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Ready, Steady, Bugger!
By givitsum
25 March 2006
Dedicated to BillyBobSurfer

Ready, Steady, Bugger!


Fern: Helloooo & welcome to this weeks edition of Ready, Steady, Bugger. So, without further ado lets meet our two celebrity arse bandits for this week. The Red Tomato team is this week captained by Jimmy Somerville of The Communards!

[Huge round of applause. Camera switches stage left to where Jimmy is filing his nails]

Fern: Hello Jimmy, welcome to the show. So Jimmy, who's arse are you going to be slipping one up on today's show? Introduce us to your has-been Z-list celebrity who wants to get their sorry face on TV at any cost please.


Jimmy: Yes this is Roger DeCorsay [introduces man standing beside him] he's 56 and he used to make a living appearing on kids shows with his sidekick, Nookie Bear.


[Roger smiles and exchanges pleasantries with Fern, seemingly forgetting he had spent the past 3 hours in her company rehearsing]


Fern: So Roger, what did you spend your 5 pound budget on?


[Roger empties a white plastic bag out onto the bench]


Roger: I bought this leather hood, 3 quid, and I bought this bridle, that was 2 quid so exactly on budget.


Fern: Well done I must say, and with a name like Roger I'm sure you know what you're doing. [Gently slaps Roger on the shoulder, much to the amusement of the audience, Roger and Jimmy alike] Jimmy; got any ideas already what you think you might do with this lot?


Jimmy: Hmmm, I think I might me tempted to perhaps doing a little kinky ensemble with the reigns, you know. Perhaps I'll wear the mask and put the reigns on Roger to give me something to hold onto whilst I'm ripping the back out of him.


Fern: Well, it sounds marvellous. If you two just wait there for a moment whilst we meet our next team.

[Crosses from the left of the studio to the right where John Inman is waiting]


Fern: Now ladies and gentlemen, please give a warm hand for John Inman!

[Applause]


John: Hello Fern, nice to be here. I'm Free! [Cue overelaborate girly giggling and bending of the right knee]


Fern: John, please introduce us to the desperate saddo you're going to be back-scuttling for us today...


John: Well, this is Noel Edmunds and he was famous for about twenty years on BBC1.


[As the camera is to the Noels left, in the background we get a quick glance of Jimmy warming up with some pelvic thrusts]


Fern: Well come on Noel, what items did you bring? Again, you only had 5 pounds right?


Noel: Yes Fern, that's right. [Empties his bag] I bought this old wooden drumstick for 50p, I bought this long blonde wig for 3 pound 50 and a packet of Durex, 1 pound.


Fern: Ok, so you too spent your whole budget. Well John, not a lot to go on, got any ideas already?


John: Ooooh! Lets see, I might let Noel use the drumstick to bite on to help him through the pain of me pounding his ringpiece to bits. He can wear the wig too, bit kinky! And I hope those condoms are ribbed? That way they'll give me a bit of extra grip in case I hit any 'mud'..... [sucks in his cheeks, pierces his lips]


Fern: Well, you better think quick 'cos it's time to start the burgling! Over into your positions please boys.


[The four of them walk centre stage, Roger and Noel get on all-fours whilst Jimmy and John get ready to 'play the back nine'] Audience, come on, together...


Ready..., Steady..........., BUGGER!

Reviews
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Written by givitsum (651 comments posted) 24th March 2006
I've also got one called Ready, Steady, Murder starring our old mates Pete & Fred if you prefer...?
pericombobulation
Written by sasquatch (125 comments posted) 25th March 2006
Ready steady murder - i can see it now. quick and brutal. 
 
Ainsley Harriot or Dale Winton host.  
 
'Ready.....steady.....Murder!!!!' 
 
the contestant is then horrifically stabbed in the face.  
 
by the way any chance of hearing from our old pal Dr Crippen? In these troubled times he is like a beacon of morility and sound ethical judgement. Perhaps he is our only hope for a better tomorrow? 
 
reminds me a bit of harry enfields dr dolittle sketch if you ever saw it. 
 
The cheesy title song would start 'dr do little; he talks to the animals' 
 
'get out of here you bloody mangy old cat' 
 
The good doctor then tips his hat to us. Class.

Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3133 comments posted) 26th March 2006
What can I say.I think you have found your forte. The serial killing was great, it was funny but it lacked the commitment that you bring to buggery.The choice of Noel was inspired, if anyone deserves to get his arse filled... If the target is right there is no such thing as over the top. As for Ready Steady Murder, love, sweetie, in fact you could run the two together bugger the guests then kill them off, pull in two types of audience 
Nice one G
What's my name
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3133 comments posted) 26th March 2006
I've lost count of my aliases I think I think I'm having an identiy crisis
Very amusing
Written by gwynn1970 (109 comments posted) 26th March 2006
I liked that. Particularly the ending, well done as usual. Do you have anymore based on a similar theme?
needs updating
Written by woody44 (760 comments posted) 31st March 2006
very original but of course totally out of date as Noel baby is really coining it again on daytime tv and must now be fast approaching getting an invite onto Richard and Judy (this may indeed have already happened as I never watch as I can`t stand the man, Madeley that is) I think the piece would have had far more bite if you had used Simon Dee. Hope you are not offended by this crit, but as Galton and Simpson once said to me..Rog if it wasn`t for you Albert and Harold might never have ridden into Oildrum Lane....
No offence
Written by givitsum (651 comments posted) 31st March 2006
No problem, and thanks for pointing that out. Fortunately I don't live in England anymore, so I have no idea who's doing what except for what I see on my occasional pilgrimages and what I manage to glean from the online papers. 
 
So he's back on telly huh? I did read somewhere he was raking in the reddies off-screen with some Internet business.  
 
Cheers.
That man is terrible
Written by gwynn1970 (109 comments posted) 6th April 2006
I will never like that man Noel Edmonds since I saw him in Wrexham one day when I had a flat tyre and he drove passed and didn't even offer me a hand. I'm sure it was him. So I like the thought of somebody shoving stuff up his arse.
Not that keen
Written by IPFaulkner (83 comments posted) 23rd May 2006
Not my kind of thing but have to say can't stand Noel Edmonds either. Only thing I can say in his defence is I wouldn't have stopped to help you change your tyre either.  
 
Good luck  
 
IP

Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 30th October 2006
This just came up in my 'Work Awaiting Review' box, and thank God it did.  
 
I am in a bad position here, no pun intended -- I don't have a functioning t.v., much to the ongoing incredulity of the telly people, and I've only been in the U.K. a scant six years. Without the telly, I'm not picking up enough culture, I realize, but the alternative (hooking up the t.v. and possibly risking getting hooked myself) is so awful I think I may be better off as I am. 
 
Still, even without the connected t.v. I have seen bits and pieces of shows that, I am thrilled to see, are just about as bad and stupid as anything we've got to offer in the U.S. I don't know who any of the people mentioned are, but after reading this, I feel that I can picture them.  
 
While I haven't seen much t.v. here, I amsure that it could not be funnier than this piece was. Or the comments on it, for that matter. Made my day.  
 

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