I’m like a Paris mannequin,
And in the hands of single God
I want to burn, to free myself,
And not to do what he had told.
Embrace me, wind, and let me run,
The flight from pain is not so long.
I’ve made myself forget your warmth,
Nobody helps me say this song.
To be the daughter of the fate –
Is not the role for tender age.
It’s too much meaning for my head,
It is too crowded on this page.
It’s hard and stuffy on the Earth
When all the bridges have to snap.
And all the days I hope to see
The road waiting for my step.
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Written by brook_rivers (484 comments posted) 26th March 2006 | It is too crowded on this page: i think this sums up this poem!! it didnt flow for me and there is too much packed into so few lines. I think you should expand upon and explain your images as the meaning was not always clear. & when read out loud this sounded very akward, for example some lines :
And in the hands of single God
And not to do what he had told.
didnt even sound like proper english to me!
- but its only a personal opinion so keep trying  |
Written by Nance (86 comments posted) 26th March 2006 | | Thank you very much for your honest and fair words, If you're able, please, read some of my stories in Short Stories section, I'd like to know your position concerning them. |
Written by amboline (183 comments posted) 28th March 2006 | There's something about this piece that I really like, although I find it quite hard to put my finger on exactly what. I like the sing-song lilt to it, and I also like the rhyme scheme - in fact if anything I like the fact that some of them aren't actual rhymes but near-rhymes, and you've been able to use the music of the poem to carry these off convincingly.
That said, there are a few places which I think could benefit from a little refinement. Your last line in particular stands out as not fitting the easy rhythm of the rest of the piece, and has a fairly obvious non-rhyme which seems like a weak note on which to end the piece. In a few places, better word choice would enhance the poem considerably: nobody "says" a song, for instance (line  , but "sings" (or a more original word with similar meaning) would fit perfectly. "Single God" is also, as brook points out, quite obscure, and I don't think you make a direct connection between this and the first line of the poem (although I think I understand what you're getting at).
I think there's some lovely imagery in here though. "It's hard and stuffy on the Earth" is beautifully expressed. I think with just a little polish this could be a really fine poem. |
Written by Nance (86 comments posted) 28th March 2006 | | Thanks, I really realize that I have to work yet and to get better with time I hope. |
Written by amboline (183 comments posted) 29th March 2006 | Very few (if any) poems are "perfect". Even if the poem looks and feels as good as you can possibly get it now, you can guarantee that in a year or so you'll look at it again and decide that there's something you want to change! This gentle tinkering, refining process is all part of the craft of poetry and it's something that all poets will do, regardless of how new or how experienced they are. Think of it as a labour of love
Looking forward to reading some more of your material. |
Written by Nance (86 comments posted) 29th March 2006 | | Thank you for your attetion, it means so much to me. You really want to help, you see, I rarely meet such people. | I'm Like a Paris Mannequin
Written by Josie (2722 comments posted) 30th March 2006 | | Nance, Two things. The first is that, from my point of view, if the poem isn't simply put, then I (perhaps a bit thick) don't understand it - - and if I don't understand it, perhaps lots of others don't either. I think that really good English is the use of words which really convey the meaning in its simplicity. This poem doesn't for I don't understand it. The other thing - only a very small thing - is that God doesn't rhyme with told. You know how my poetry is with regard to rhyme: I think if you are going to do rhyme (which I love) - you must really use words that rhyme, and that sometimes means twisting everything round and round until it does. I find it very hard indeed. (Use Rhyming Zone, ha ha). Rhyming Zone also gives you words which are similar in meaning, so that you can sometimes use another word - but really work at making it rhyme because it is worth it. Josie |
Written by Nance (86 comments posted) 30th March 2006 | | Ok, Josie, thank you very much, I will work on this poem yet, and will try to make it better. Hope you're well. |
Written by amboline (183 comments posted) 31st March 2006 | | Actually one of the things I really liked about this was the fact that the rhymes weren't rigid. Apart from the last line, which I commented on above, the other "imperfect" rhymes in this piece are all very close near-rhymes whose music chimes in so well with the rest of the piece that I don't think it *matters* that the words chosen are not exact rhymes. I'd far rather see a really good, musical near-rhyme in a piece like this, than see the meanings and word orders distorted so as to force an "exact" rhyme into the text. |
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