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Poetry


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I want to be your longest autumn

By Nance

26 March 2006

I want to be your longest autumn,

And when this life is breaking down,

I see that you are at the bottom,

Just feel my shoulder, it’s your town.

I want to draw your lightest smile,

To bring your flight into my heart.

Suppose you’re growing now and while

I will be waiting for your start.

Perhaps your pain is just a bottle,

Until you drink it, don’t you run.

I want to be your brightest autumn

Because your winter has begun.

Reviews

"I want to be"
Written by Sammyjoe (1 comments posted) 26th March 2006

Hi , I like this very much - it's so well crafted , the rhyme scheme is a delight to the ears . :grin

Written by Nance (86 comments posted) 26th March 2006

Thank you a lot, these are my true feelings in this verse.

Written by amboline (183 comments posted) 29th March 2006

I love the title of this piece!

I wasn't quite so keen on this as I was on "Paris mannequin", though. The rhymes didn't seem to flow quite as easily and a couple of them were a bit contrived. The "while" at the end of line 7 seems to be added only to rhyme with "smile" - I found it actually disrupted the sense of stanza 2, so that I wasn't quite sure what you were saying here. Also, lines 1 and 2 don't immediately have any connection between them, so although they sound lovely (and sincere) they also sound like two unrelated ideas that just happen to have been put together. However you do make that missing connection very well in the final 2 lines of the poem.

As with "Mannequin", I think there are some lovely sentiments here and some quite beguiling imagery - and I love that sing-song voice your poems have, it's very distinctive. I hope my suggestions for polishing it have been helpful, and remember you can always post updated work on here too once you feel that you've got it even better than the original!

Written by Nance (86 comments posted) 29th March 2006

Thanks once again for your interest, Amboline, I hope to hear you soon. You give useful advices. Thank you.

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