Hey, this is my first posting on here, just wanted to give it a go!! Krissy sat on the cold floor of the corridor with her back against the wall. This was the fourth day she’d sat here and things weren’t looking any better. She had received the call late last Friday night, some drunk teenager driving his dads car had pulled out in front of her boyfriend, Jake, causing him to lose control of his car and go off road straight in to a tree. She’d spent everyday and night since, sat here in this same spot. Occasionally she would stand up and look through the window at him, but she tried not to do that to often, it hurt too much.
Jake had already been in a light coma when the paramedics got to the scene and he was still in it now. Krissy was usually a positive hopeful person, but she was starting to lose all hope now. She couldn’t bear to think of what she would do if anything happened to Jake, he was her whole life, and she knew she would just be empty without him. She looked at her watch, half 4, the Dr would be here soon. He came everyday at this time, he didn’t really say all that much, mostly he just smiled and went straight into the room. He was only ever in there for about ten minutes, he would rest his hand on Jakes forehead while he pressed various buttons on the support machine Jake was wired up to. Surely enough as she looked up she could see him walking down the corridor, he was quite tall and olive skinned with jet black hair. She quickly wiped her eyes and stood up, she could see him smiling as he got closer to her. He stopped by her side and cocked h is head to one side, “You do know there are private family rooms where you can stay don’t you?”Krissy looked at him shocked, this was the most he’d spoken to her in four days,“Yes, yes I do. I just, well I prefer to be here” he put one hand on her shoulder and smiled again. At that, he opened the door and stepped inside the small hospital room, closing it tight behind him. Krissy turned round and looked through the window curiously, she watched as he put his hand gently on Jakes head and turned his attention to the support machine. She longed so much to be in that room with him, but for some reason she couldn’t bring herself to do it. She wasn’t sure if it was because she would be to upset or because she had already given up hope and was preparing herself for the worst. The Dr turned around to the window and met her eyes. He took his hand back and walked towards the door of the room. Krissy turned back around and lent her back against the window, he stepped outside and closed the door, he smiled once more and began to walk away.“Wait” Krissy ran up behind him, “Yes?” he stopped in his track and looked at her.“Things aren’t looking too good are they? I mean, he’s not going to be okay, is he?” she swallowed hard to clear the lump in her throat and tried her hardest to keep in the tears. The Dr put his hand on her shoulder again; his faced looked concerned, almost as if he was worried. She knew that was her answer. “Never give up hope. That is the worst thing you could ever do” He gave her shoulder a slight squeeze and walked away.
Krissy headed back down to the corridor, she stopped and looked through the window, he had tubes and wires covering his body and a drip going in h is arm. She thought again about what the Dr said, never give up hope. She knew she already had. She felt a sudden waive of disappointment in herself, what was she doing? She hadn’t even been brave enough to go in the room because she was worried about how she would feel. She knew if it were the other way round Jake wouldn’t have left her side at all. She took a deep breath and opened the door, stepped inside the room and walked over to the bed. She sat down on the small plastic chair and took hold of his hand. His hand was warm and his skin felt so soft. She looked down at his wired up face and felt a sharp pain in her stomach, she never knew love could hurt this much. She pulled the chair closer to the bed and rested her head down on his chest where she used to fall asleep every night. “Krissy… Krissy” was she dreaming? She opened her eyes and squinted at the brightness of the room, she was confused for a second about where she was. Then she remembered where she was and why she was there. That awful sharp pain stabbed through her stomach again. She lifted her head from Jakes chest and looked up at his face,“Jake? Oh my God, Jake!” His eyes were open and he was moving his fingers. She stood up and leant over the bed stroking his face, “Can you hear me? Jake?”“Yes, yes I can hear you”. His voice was husky and dry, she poured some water from the jug that had been left beside him incase he should wake up and carefully lifted his head to the cup. He took a sip from the cup and lay back down; she took hold of his hand and squeezed it hard; he squeezed back. The sharp pain turned in to a light ‘butterflies’ type feeling. She pressed the buzzer on the wall for the nurse. The nurse was there within a few seconds with a Dr, they hurried in the room and started pressing buttons on the machine and removing wires. The nurse took hold of Krissys arm and led her out of the room,“We just need a few minutes to check things over and then you can come straight back in”.Krissy stood outside the room and watched as they ran various tests and took blood samples. After a while they came back out, the Dr smiled and stopped beside her,“Good new, he’s going to be fine. It’s like a miracle, people don’t usually pull through this quick, and especially not when they have serious problems like Jake did”.Krissy couldn’t believe what she was hearing; only last night she thought she’d lost him forever and now he was awake and talking to her. She remembered the Dr who had been coming to see Jake everyday,“Is it possible for you to say thank you to the Dr who has been checking in on him everyday?” The nurse looked at the Dr, confused, and then back at Krissy.“This is Dr Smith; he’s the only one who has been looking in on Jake”,“No, the other Dr, he comes at half four each day, he’s only there for a few minutes and then he goes”. Krissy looked back at the nurse who now looked more confused than before. The nurse took hold of Krissy’s hand and smiled at her, “It’s been a hard time these last few days, your probably really tired, it’s easy to imagine things when your in this state. Maybe you should get some rest”. She let go and her and the Dr walked away from Krissy. Krissy lent against the wall and looked down the corridor, there he was. He was walking towards her, she started to walk forward, before she knew it he was at her side.“You, you’re, nobody knows who you are”, she blurted out at him. He put a hand to her shoulder again,“No you’re right, they don’t. They didn’t need to, only you did. But you don’t need me now, you won’t see me again”. He smiled one last smile and headed back down the corridor. Krissy watched after him until he disappeared into nowhere, just the air. |
Written by Nick (706 comments posted) 19th November 2009 | I quite like this. Not exactly an original story but done with a lot of emotion and a steady pace to keep the story moving.
You might want to split the story into smaller paragraphs as big blocks of text are hard to read on the internet.
Anyway, I enjoyed your first post and will look out for more.
Nick |
Written by Ahndee (105 comments posted) 21st November 2009 | Hey! First of all welcome to the site, and congrats on your first post! It's a good'n!
I agree with Nick that it isn't a completely original story - what is these days though, seriously? - but what makes it unique is the author's way of telling it. When I was reading this I was so absorbed I totally didn't even expect the twist about the doctor - which I think is a good thing. So your story didn't feel familiar or 'over done'.
Basically, I reckon there's a pretty good skeleton of a story here, though I think it could benefit from a bit of fleshing out (e.g. more detail about the boyfriend/the accident, where are his family? maybe start off the day before you have, so that the reader gets an actual feel for the 'doctor's' routine, rather than you just telling them etc) and a bit of a revision on sentence structure (a few too many commas when there should be full stops etc!). But these are just basic things, and only opinions. It's your story, so you should decide what to do with it.
I really enjoyed it though - lovely concept.
Good luck with future writings!
Rosie | Greatly enjoyed!
Written by Katanga (4072 comments posted) 21st November 2009 | I don't often venture outside the poetry section, but I'm glad I did this time.
Call me naive, but I didn't find it unoriginal. But then I'm not very widely read.
With the abobe, more paragraphing would make it easier on the eye, and help to signpost 'turns' in the story.
You write very well, IMHO, and I was gripped from the start.
Nitpick - you need to thoroughly proofread this for small typos etc e.g. your title needs an apostrophe, 'An Angel's Touch'.
Much admired!
John |
Written by Fledermaus (4146 comments posted) 21st November 2009 | | At first I wondered why you wrote 'Dr' instead of 'doctor', but considering the end, I think that's fine, as it's almost some sort of name now. In spite of the title, I had not expected this end. I imagined all sorts of more predictable stuff (Jake dying, girl falling in love with handsome doctor etc)... Loved this piece. |
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