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Poetry
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green-jaded emotion
By brook_rivers
28 March 2006
 

 

Gazing into the piercing depths of the green-jaded gem,
Memorized by the dazzling brightness and gleam of its immediate appearance,
Drawn into the depths of its unforeseen fiery-abscess,
Weakened by its marshmellowed centre,
Hardened by the sharp, striking exterior of the precious jewel.
The glistening gem is worth the world and more.
 

Just like the sacred intensity of gazing into your lovers’ eye.
This priceless passion is irreplaceable.
The lavering rage rises and boils if this pure happiness is pilfered away, by an undeserving rival,
The heightened jealousy absorbs fear and paranoia,
Cooling into inconceivable consequences,
Imprisoning and incarcerating the cherished charm,
Transforming the beautiful treasure into solid stone and rock.

Reviews

Written by amboline (183 comments posted) 30th March 2006
Hmm... There's some really lovely word usage in this piece. I particularly love "its unforeseen fiery-abscess" and "cooling into inconceivable consequences". However, to me this doesn't read like a finished poem - more like a first draft where you've assembled your ideas, but where some fine honing and careful craftsmanship is now needed to tidy those ideas up and make them really poetic. 
 
My top tips for polishing this would be: 
 
(1) The lines need more shape, and some consistency in length and rhythm. Lines 2, 5 and (especially) 8 have a LOT more syllables in them than the rest of the piece, and read very heavily at present. 
 
(2) You have far too many adjectives. Work out which ones are really necessary and cut the rest. A poet I know always repeats the rule "Make your words work harder for you", and I think that is what's needed here.  
 
(3) Cut down on repetition ("worth the world and more... priceless... irreplaceable") and tautology ("imprisoning and incarcerating"). 
 
(4) Work on your ending. I had to read this two or three times before I realised that in the last line you're telling me that this "priceless" jewel has become worthless. This could be much more forceful - much more chilling. 
 
I hope these suggestions are helpful and I'll look forward to reading a second draft!

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