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Great Writing - Home > Short S. > Innit-The Girl from Yankee HR
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| Innit-The Girl from Yankee HR | |
| By BrianRobertNeal | ||||||||||
| 29 March 2006 | ||||||||||
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This is the 2nd of an occasional series of stories set in a Petro-Chemical Complex, It makes more sense if you have read "Innnit-the Boys." Innit-The Girl from Yankee HR Tall and lovely, and we hope a goer, The Girl from Yankee HR is coming And even Jim, has put on clean underpants! Hi there, it’s me again, you know, the Prof. In the background you can hear Happy Harry practising the song that he is writing to welcome the VIP visitor. It all started this morning during our first shift briefing session. Captain Birdseye (Shift Leader) was sat at the head of the long table in the Messroom. Going round the table, to his right was Jim (Shift Foreman). To his right was Happy Harry. I was sat directly opposite the Captain. To my right was Straight Man and finally to his right and to the left of the Captain was Teenage Tearaway. The Captain looked up at us, “I’ve just received an E-Mail from HR, informing me that we are to be visited by a Senior Member of HR. The woman had arrived in England last night, but because of fog, her plane was diverted and as she was nearer to us than the Tanker Depot, she has decided to visit us first. Her name is Ms. A. Augur and she is arriving at 09 hundred hours” There was a general muttering and Jim looked sad. It was his birthday and we were going to have had a shift birthday party. He thought that we had bought him an Anne Summers’ inflatable sex toy, but we had in fact bought him a robot budgie. It flapped its wings, made budgie like movements and you could “teach it to talk”. The lads knew this but Jim didn’t. The Captain continued “So Jim we’ll have to put off your party till next shift, sorry son, but it can’t be helped. Right now, all but the Prof, get yourselves round the plant and do the things we would have to do, had we not got the Prof and his box of magic tricks.” The lads wandered out and off to their various work stations. When they got there, they would check gauges, look at dials and go slowly mental through boredom. “Right now Prof, could you print out all the docs that her ladyship will want to see” “OK, I’ll put them in fancy files and tart ‘em up.” “You’re a brick Prof; I couldn’t handle all this without you.” The Captain got up and went to his office. I opened my case and turned the concealed console on. A quick flick round the CCTV monitors showed that the lads were at their operating stations. I printed out the paperwork, and put it in fancy binders. I then went to the Captain's Office and gave him e the files.The Captain was delighted with my efforts; he had just over an hour to read them. I returned to the Messroom and made some final preparations. At 09 hundred hours, the captain’s voice was heard over the Tannoy, “All shift members to report to the Messroom with the exception of the Prof, who is to go down to security door D and let our esteemed guest in.” I walked out of the Messroom and called the lift up, got in and took it down to Level Zero (Ground floor in English). The Captain was the first into the Messroom and to his horror its walls were decked with Pornographic Posters. He raced round pulling the offending items off the walls. They were very “explicit” . The rest of the crew stood outside and looked through the room’s glass wall. Happy Harry whispered, “I bet the bloody Prof was behind that” “Well it weren’t me” Jim protested. The rest just stood and laughed. When the job was over and the Captain had hidden the posters in one of the cupboards, the lads walked in and sat down as though nothing had happened. However I had left my console on the table tuned to the CCTV camera that showed the exterior of the building and Security Door D. The monitor revealed a tall, austere looking woman. Her blonde hair was in a bun. She wore sensible flat shoes, twin tweed set and pearls. To cap all this off, she had “John Lennon Glasses” Straight Man took over the Consoles controls. He at all times kept the focus on Ms. Augar. In between me and Ms. Augur was the reception area. She would have to go through Door D into the reception area and then be let into the Ground Floor Foyer, which was where I was standing. I told the Woman, “I‘ve released your door, now use your swipe card.” An irritated New England accent announced, “It won’t work” “OK, I’ll override the lock but this will then relock my door. You’ll have to go through the Search Room. When you get into the lobby, go through the door on the left. You’ll find a scanner and a security transfer device. Put all carried items into the device and then walk through the scanner’s checking frame. Ms.Augar shouted, “This is absurd, just let me in”. I replied, “I can’t, if your security pass had worked, we wouldn’t be in this predicament.” She did as she was told. Having entered the Search Room, she put her handbag and the contents of her pockets into the container. This swung into the closed position, and when it swung open it was empty. This “primed” the Scanner. She walked through the frame and the alarm rang. I suggested “Take your jacket and skirt off, for they’ve got metal buttons. Also take your shoes and your glasses off.” Up in the Messroom the Lads were having a field day. She did as she was told, and put the clothing into the security container which then shut again. However when she walked through the Frame, the alarm rang. Ms.Augar was getting very angry, “Now, what do I damn well have to do to get in?” I answered “You have two choices, you can either wait for Building Service staff to come and override the interlocks or you could remove the rest of your clothing” “How long will it take Building Services to get here?” “If we are lucky, they’ll be here in three hours.” The answer surprised me “Damn it, I’ll take the lot off” I quickly rejoined, “But to prime the scanner you’ll have to put them in the security bin” This she did and then walked through the frame. The Alarm rang again! She screamed “Now what smart-arse” My reply did not have a calming effect. “Oh dear, the scanner was set to test mode, try the door anyway” She tried the door and it swung open. Up in the Messroom, the lads switched to another camera. I tried to calm her by suggesting, “I’ll get in the lift and close the door.” This I did. A few moments later a furious but now dressed Ms.Augur entered the lift. We travelled to the Shift Facilities Floor in silence. It was a straight walk out of the lift and into the Messroom. She strode to where the Captain was sitting, and told him, “Go and sit down at the other end of the table.” (Straight man had switched the Console off, closed the case and put it into one of the cupboards.) “Well gentleman, I’ll not waste time on pleasantries, I shall be wanting to see some of you. I’ll not need to see the Shift Captain, as he is retiring in 3 months, so it would be pointless. And as for you”, she looked straight at me and continued “I think I know what I need to about you; I’ll not be seeing you either. So with the exception of Jim, please return to your posts. Captain, I shall be using your office, could you cover for Jim during his interview. Right Jim, take me to the Captains Cabin.” The lads raced out and the Captain and I remained seated at the table. We both looked at the cupboard where the console was. I broke the silence, “No, she is obviously going to tell Jim that he’s not getting your job, when you retire. We’ll leave the Console in the cupboard. Well, it looks like I’m on my way out.” Jim trudged down to the Captains Cabin with a heavy heart. He opened the door and ushered Ms.Augar in. She told him, “Right Jim shut the door and secure it.” He shut it and then swiped his security pass. This meant that the door could be only opened from the inside. On the table were the Crew’s Personnel Files and some other Shift management Data. Ms.Augar sat down, selected Jim’s File and indicated that he should sit down. She flicked through the file looked up and said “Well Jim, it says here that you still live in the council flat where you were raised and that you keep 20 Badgers.” Jim burst out laughing “No Miss Augur that should read Budgies”, Jim thought, “The prof strikes again”. She continued, “I see you were your School’s Captain of Leapfrog”. Jim was by now hysterical. The woman put Jim’s laughter down to nerousness, to ease the tension she said, “Don’t keep calling Ms.Augur, call me Archie. I’ve had an awful day”. She told Jim about her problems with the scanner. Jim made sympathetic noises and to stop himself breaking into fits of giggles, he asked, “Do you have any pins or clips in your hair, cos if so, take them out before you go through the scanner again. I think that’s why the Alarm kept going off.” “Gee thanks” replied Archie, who proceeded to remove three clips and two pins from her hair. She took off her glasses and shook her hair free. “Oh god “thought Jim, “She is so beautiful” “Well Jim, I can’t offer you the post of Shift Captain, because that’s not in my remit. But I can give you a rise.” She stood up, stripped off, undressed Jim and spread him across the desk. When they’d finished she said to Jim, “Don’t let anybody know about this, it’ll be our secret.” Jim thought “They wouldn’t believe me anyway” “Now Jim, please find the idiot who let me in and send him up here, right away” Jim found me in the Messroom and I made my way to the Captains Cabin. I let myself in and secured the door. I said to Ms.Augar, “Ginny you were brilliant. I tell you what, you look fabulous.” She laughed, “Well it makes a change from dressing up as a French Maid or having to wear bondage gear.” I gave her £500 in used twenty notes. She counted it and said “That’s £100 too much, we agreed £400” I answered, “Don’t I get a go then” She put the money in her bag, “Right, but you make sure I can get out of here without having to strip off again, it’s bloody freezing in that Scanner Room.” At about 10.45, I saw her off the premises. I returned to the Messroom and let the lads know that she didn’t want to see anybody else. We had our party and Jim got his Robot Budgie. As we were going off shift, Jim grabbed hold of me and winked, “Prof the Penny’s just dropped, God bless you; you’re a diamond. An augur is a screwing device, isn’t it? Did you send the E-Mail from HR, cos I’ve checked and there is no external communication from HR showing on Today’s Coms’ Log.” I shrugged my shoulders and smiled, “Possibly, but Happy Birthday Jim.” It all came out on the next shift, but I didn’t let them know about my “bonus”. So once again, that’s it innit?
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