Please, if you have any suggestions - go on!
The sunrise in your eyes.
I belong to its start.
In the middle of it
I begin to count seconds.
Unpredictable truth,
That you give me for free
Which I drink to exist.
I am standing the racket.
We are under the bridge,
And we let it collapse
When the racehorse of yours
Will have conquered my lands.
We set out through wind
To the highest degree,
That is like our bliss,
We won’t shake off the hands.
The sunrise in my breath,
Makes me warmer and meek.
And I see in your look
That you want to prolong
The exceptional trust
The incredible day
And the passionate strength
Which is up and goes on.
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Review from Thomas Hinyard, on "The Sun
Written by X-Knowledge (1 comments posted) 31st March 2006 | | I believe that this poem was excellently written, and a strong compostion. It had a lot of soul, a lot of definition, and when I read it, I could see that it had imagery, and many of my poems have imagery. So, I would like to commend t you, the writer, on such an amazing work of creativity. I loved it, and I hope the rest of your public will. |
Written by Nance (86 comments posted) 31st March 2006 | | Thank you very much, actually, I have written it when I feel very sad but romantic, and some uncommon feelings have appeared in my soul. When I have finished, I felt myself much better. Thank you for the kind words, I am so pleased. |
Written by amboline (183 comments posted) 4th April 2006 | I have to admit that I found this very hard to read. The flow of words and phrases is extremely unusual and I couldn't decide how much of this was deliberate twisting of English language (a great thing to do in poetry, if you can do it well) and how much of it was unintended. Phrases such as "I belong to his start" and "Which is in and go on", I'm afraid, didn't make sense to me. The imagery is very vivid, certainly, but I did find that it was a little bit arbitrary - the racehorse in verse 2 seems to pop up out of nowhere, I found it hard to connect it with the rest of the poem.
I don't want to be overly negative though. You really do have a poet's sense of imagery and metaphor - lines like "We are under the bridge and we let it collapse", and "We won't shake off the hands" are incredibly vivid and well expressed - there's a lot in here for the reader's imagination to unpack. With a bit more care to the phrasing of your sentences, this poem (and others of your work) will be very powerful, very satisfying. |
Written by Nance (86 comments posted) 4th April 2006 | amboline, thank you, you always strive to help me, or to give some advices. Some structures may be pretty strange, I know, but it's just because I am a Ukrainian, and English is not me first language.
hope you're well |
Written by amboline (183 comments posted) 4th April 2006 | Ukrainian? Well for someone not writing in their first language, you're showing a love of English that puts a lot of us to shame! Yes, that would explain some of the phrasing, no doubt. Don't worry, that will come as your familiarity with the language grows.
So keep reading, keep writing  I look forward to reading more. |
Written by Nance (86 comments posted) 4th April 2006 | Amboline thanks.
I am trying. I hope I will grow, and thank you for helping me. These are my first steps. And I have time to improve. You'll see, I'll be better in English!  |
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