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Summer Sparkles
By FelicityFaith
19 December 2009
 The sun is low among the branches...
 
 

The sun is low among the branches
Of my emerald picture tree,
And there among the leaves it dances
With the summer breeze set free.

The light then shines through curtain lace,
Which lets beams in in flashes,
Falls upon my upturned face—
Makes rainbows on my lashes.


Reviews

Written by Josie (4035 comments posted) 19th December 2009
On the whole I liked the images within your poem. The metre was a little out in the last verse though. It started going wrong on line two. perhaps if you had said: Allowing beams to burst in flashes etc. You seem to be one little beat out in your rhythm. The last line also needs one extra - eg: Making rainbows on my lashes. Otherwise a nice little poem I thought.

Written by Brett (2419 comments posted) 19th December 2009
Welcome to GW.  
On the whole I must say that the content doesn't grab me, but that is just personal taste.  
I keep wanting to read 'which' rather than 'with' in the final line of the first stanza, but perhaps I am misreading you. 
 
Regarding metre - perfect 4/3 ballad; no problem there. 
 
Cheers

Written by Josie (4035 comments posted) 20th December 2009
No, I'm afraid that the first verse has four beats (feet) per line, and the second verse did get thrown off its metre in the lines I mentioned. You can see it for yourself. I didn't need Brett to follow me up and correct me.

Written by Brett (2419 comments posted) 20th December 2009
Then you won't need this either, Josie; 
 
You confuse 'beats' and 'feet' (They are not the same at all - a pyrrhic foot has no stresses, a spondaic foot has two, meaning pentameter may be achieved with four feet but still five stresses). This is as ballad - as you well know. How do you often show people; 
 
 
The SUN is LOW aMONG the BRANches 
 
of my EMerald PICture TREE 
 
and THERE aMONG the LEAVES it DANCES 
 
with the SUMmer BREEZE set FREE 
 
 
The LIGHT then SHINES through CURtain LACE 
 
Which LETS beams IN in FLASHes 
 
FALLS upON my UPturned FACE 
 
Makes RAINbows ON my LASHes 
 
Seems you do need correcting though, Josie. 
 
Cheers 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

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