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By k_l_a
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01 April 2006 |
a little piece I wrote when I was feeling a little bit upset over a break up. Oh and please take the time to rate this if you will, as it is the first poem i have submitted on to this site, thank you!
Trying to hold on to that long lost love I grasp on hard to the thought of you
The perfect image I hold on to But you are not all that you seem
Your just a long lost distant dream. I never thought I would feel like this
This feeling is just too hard to resist I need to hold you, I need to touch
I want to be with you so much
But I cant change what fate has in store
I cant change gods law
I know its wrong of me to say this
But I wish for just one last kiss.
When we kissed it blew my mind
And when we kissed everything else got pushed aside
Because there was only me and you in the world
At that time Only you and me
Not a world apart.
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Written by Josie (2496 comments posted) 1st April 2006 | | Of course this is a sad poem. I like the way you have tried hard with the rhyming. You probably found it difficult, as I do. Loving someone is hard when the relationship comes to an end. But being 'in love' is not the same as loving someone. In my next poem I write that dogs are much more faithful. Perhaps you may have discovered this. Love for humans means not "possessing" them, but learning to let go sometimes. "Not a world apart" is quite apt - because when you love someone you should be in regular touch with them - not just a Christmas card remembered at Christmas. Or a "mothering Sunday" card sent without reading the words in the message. That's not love at all. I think your poem puts over "not a world apart" very well. There are some English mistakes. God (capital G). Nights with a small n. can't (apostrophe). God's (apostrophe - the law of God). You need your commas and full stops - otherwise it is difficult to read. Good try. | More than a little?
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3133 comments posted) 1st April 2006 | "little bit upset over a break up."
Well I think it was way more than a little judging by the poem. Your writing only goes to prove that it's what we do to ourselves rather than what others do to us. It was clearly expressed, but for a poem maybe it should have been expressed more "poetically"to give it more universal appeal; at the moment it seems a bit to personal ,but other more expert poets here may disagree.You did ask for feeback and that's my response. |
Written by amboline (183 comments posted) 4th April 2006 | I agree with Bottleblonde. It's difficult to know how to review such personal pieces of work - there's always a sense that you have to "tread lightly for you tread on my dreams (or nightmares)", to misquote Yeats. These emotions are really important to you, and expressing them through poetry is certainly part of the healing process. But I'm not sure how far such material may be suitable for an external audience, not while it's so raw.
My advice would be to leave this poem alone for a year or so - or at least, enough time for your life to have moved on - and then revisit it. See if it's still meaningful. See if there's anything in it that still resonates - and if so, use that as the starting-point for a second draft. In the second draft, think about a potential audience. What sentiments and images might they respond to? How can you make the connection between yourself and them? Is anything in the original simply too personal to you and your ex, so that an external observer wouldn't be able to appreciate it?
I hope these comments are helpful. Do keep writing, because it will help you find a way through. But remember that a lot of what you write, as a result of this, may have to be marked "not for public consumption". |
Written by k_l_a (5 comments posted) 15th April 2006 | Thanks for your responces, I appreciate it alot!
I did write this poem quite a long time ago, and am completely over all of it. However I know alot of people feel bad after break ups and I was just pointing out that everyone goes through the same process.
You revisit every memory of that person you had, and wish there was a way to change things, even though you can't.
I know I'm not the only one who feels this, so I dont think its all that personal. I do appreciate your comments though!
Thank you! |
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