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By Bernie
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26 January 2010 |
This is about a relationship which began in autumn (but ended). Any comments welcome thanks...
Autumn leaves falling, falling leaves, autumn leaves
Falling in love
Every season has its end
But when it dies it is then
Something new begins
We lose our hearts but win a friend
We lose at love then make amends
Tears fell like rain but the sun shines again
Autumn leaves falling, falling leaves, autumn leaves
Falling in love
So summer's gone, we will not cry
The colours of autumn will never die
But live in our memories a lifetime long
Like a photograph
Like a beautiful love song.
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Written by wendycat (2180 comments posted) 26th January 2010 | Hi Bernie and welcome to the site.
I hope thi sis helpful rather than hurtfl, it is meant to be! I don't think the repetition of 'autumn leaves are falling, falling leaves, autumn leaves' works, to me it seems superflous and a bit clumsy to repeat that in one line.
I think your line breaks are good but found the seemingly random rhyme scheme quite off putting, and felt that some of your rhymes were a little obvious.
The comparison between the seasons and the ebb and flow of a relationship is quite a well used one, so maybe something more striking would help to jokt the poem into something new. I do like the rhythm of the piece, especially the last line.
Sorry it's not a review full of praise, but I'd much rather be open, honest and constructive, it gives the writer something to work with.
Wendy |
Written by Bernie (9 comments posted) 27th January 2010 | | Thanks for your review Wendy. No it's not hurtful. I'd like to point out though that the first line is not 'autumn leaves are falling' but 'autumn leaves falling, falling leaves, autumn leaves'. The second part of the line is the first part backwards. I take great delight in doing the same thing when I write music LOL. Perhaps it's more effective musically! 'Leaves' has a double meaning ie something going or on its way out. I did not spend loads of time writing this, just ten minutes one afternoon at work when I was feeling very emotional and the words just flowed on to the page. I do not consider myself a poet by any means. I'm a beginner really. I'm more of a songwriter and lyrics are quite different from poems I guess. I've read some of your work. Great stuff! Bernice :-) | :-)
Written by Bernie (9 comments posted) 27th January 2010 | | 'Falling' also has a double meaning. Actually I think it was more like twenty minutes that it took to write this poem which was a bit naughty as my tea break doesn't last that long! Just trying to sound like a smart aleck. "Oh, that only took a few mins!" I'm embarrassed as some of the poems on here are brilliant and mine aren't LOL. |
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