It is what it is.....
I don't write because I enjoy it, I write because its something different to do. Everyone here seems to talk about their love of writing and the thrill that it gives them. I couldn't give a shit for it. I cling to it for fear that without it I wouldn't be able to distinguish myself from all the other people that surround me.
The passion that everyone else talks about is something I sorely lack, something that is probably evident in my writing. I want to love it, get immense pleasure from it but I don't feel a thing. I write something and once I feel it's complete (or as complete as I can be bothered to make it) then I either post it here or just file it. Normally I just file it. I have over 100 short stories, 4 semi-written novels and a plethora of lyrics written and neatly filed away in their appropriate folders.
If I had the passion, I would work on them with all the spare time I had, try to perfect them, make them the best I could, but at the end of the day, I get the idea, I write it down, maybe edit it for a wee while and then just post it or file it. Once that's done I no longer care. Getting good reviews is always nice but it doesn't excite me like it should. Similarly bad reviews don't really bother me either. I wish I could just say I didn't care about writing and leave it at that, but the truth is I don't really care much about anything. I lost my passion for life a long time ago and nothing seems to matter anymore. I know exactly when it happened but the reason isn't important, only the result. It's something I've tried to fix but its bloody hard work faking enthusiasm for something you care little for.
Now don't get me wrong, I really enjoy reading anything I can get my hands on. I have a mini-library of books at home, I've books on my computer, on my iPod and several hidden away at work in case I get bored. This is not a passion though, this is escapism. I read a lot because it takes me away from my suburban, 9-5, dull and indifferent existence. What makes it worse is that I have a good, well paying job, so I'm very comfortable. I should be grateful but I just can't help but feel like something's missing. I feel like I missed some kind of opportunity years ago that would've taken my life in a meaningful direction. Now all that's left is me drifting along with no direction and no reason.
I feel like I'm starving to death on a diet of apathy and one day I'll just simply vanish. Eaten up by my own self-disgust. I want to feel, I want to love and be loved but I just think that's something so far out of reach, like trying to catch a shooting star. It's so beautiful but so unattainable. It sounds like I'm depressed but to be honest, it's just a bit of melancholy.
I can still feel happy (see my last non-fiction post) and I can still get depressed (see piece before that) but mainly I just plunder my way through each day, trying to get something meaningful from it. Mostly I just end the day feeling like I wasted it.
I guess the reason for writing (this or anything) is to express myself and try to find something I can throw myself into with my whole head and heart. It's not working.
Will I stop writing? Probably not – it's just another way to kill the time. Will I ever write anything worthwhile? Probably not – even if I was a good writer (or even a competent one), I know my stories and ideas lack originality and that's maybe what it's all about. Originality sets off sparks in my imagination, makes me feel like I once did back when I was young, unfortunately it's never enough to light the fire but it makes me believe there's hope after all.
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Stark
Written by Katanga (4169 comments posted) 31st January 2010 | and honest piece.
You deny that you're depressed, saying it's 'melancholy'.
But for me, this is the most achingly real description of true depression that I've read.
I wish you all the very best.
You write really well - hope it continues to help.
John
| astonishing
Written by fellpony (2924 comments posted) 31st January 2010 | You write very clearly, so I am astonished that you don't enjoy doing it. I was glad, for instance, to read your last piece about happiness.
Reading this one, I wondered two things: are you so comfortable that you are utterly bored? and do you ever get angry about anything, at all? Maybe the second might be the key to passionate writing (or living)... and possibly I'm talking through my hat. |
Written by wendycat (2302 comments posted) 31st January 2010 | I echo sue in that i'm amazed that such a natural writer as yourself doesn't enjoy it.
You say in your piece that you 'know exactly when it happened but the reason isn't important, only the result' but I would say that if you are able to pinpoint the exact place where your life lost meaning then it is both significant and possibly worth talking to someone about, it's obviously completely changed your out look on life completely.
Life is too short as it is, without being immune to it.
Good luck, I feel for you, I really do.
Wendy | Good honest..
Written by penstroke (429 comments posted) 31st January 2010 | ..writing Nick. Honesty and clarity, that's your strength. From just a few words I get the big picture; you do not resort to flannel and fluff.
I experience depression from time to time and sometimes I try to call it other names that sound a little grandiose like melancholy but I also know the difference. Melancholy feels like I have the choice, I wallow in it a little. Depression feels like a f*ckin' pikey has parked his van in my living room and any complaining just gets sympathy for the pikey, not me. I agree with John that you sound depressed as I can feel a sense of despair, a hallmark of depression, in your writing. I can also sense a longing for connection, which is one of my main reasons for reading and writing. I do not always want to be entertained or be saccharin happy but I do want a real connection. Reading your piece helped me connect a little.
Thank you,
Clifford. |
Written by Nick (786 comments posted) 1st February 2010 | Thanks folks for the feedback. I wasn't really sure what purpose posting this had, but I think it was just to express myself.
John - Cheers for the kind words.
Sue - You might be right about the lack of anger - I've noticed that in recent years - A complete lack of any extreme emotion - slightly worrying but I'm working on it.
Wendy - I know when it was that I lost something (3 things actually) but there's nothing I can do to change it. The first was when my sister died, I was 14. The second, when my hip joint was destroyed by infection, I was 19 - took 10 years and 7 operations to sort. The third was watching my mum die of Breast Cancer a few years ago. No amount of talking or writing can change the facts or the way I now feel - I guess I'm still trying to deal with it all. Somehow I thought with the passage of time, I would accept these things and get back to a normal life but it hasn't happened. Sorry didn't mean to go on, just trying to justify myself I guess.
Clifford - Bloody Pikes!! But you're right - a connection with people who have similiar interests to myself was one of the main reasons for joining this community. None of my friends read that much or have much interest in literature outside of Dan Brown and Harry Potter.
Nick |
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (5077 comments posted) 1st February 2010 | What a refreshingly honest piece of work. I'm so cheered to hear from someone who doesn't bang on and on about how they love writing and are so passionate about it. The trouble is passion often blinds you and prevents you from seeing your work with a critical eye, consequently the writing is self indulgent. The fact that you are not so passionate about it is probably one of the things that make your work so accessible and readable. You write to communicate.
I'm not sure it will ever help you exorcise your demons or ghosts .At least not if you want your writing to communicate to others. Writing as therapy is not for public consumption. Everything you say here only goes to point out that you have a reasoned attitude to writing.
And you write for a very good reason- because you can.
I"ll leave you with two quotes by Dr Johnson
"No man but a blockhead ever wrote, except for money."
"What is written without effort is generally read without pleasure"
With your attitude and ability you'll get there [if you want to]
jane |
Written by Nick (786 comments posted) 2nd February 2010 | Jane - Thanks for the kind comments. I wonder if being passionate about your writing is the only way to become successful at it?
If you're that passionate then surely you would learn develop your skills as a writer. Not a universal truth obviously, but I would've thought you would really need to care about something to become a success at it. I wonder how many successful authors hate writing?
Nick |
Written by Fledermaus (4146 comments posted) 2nd February 2010 | I call I do think you must have some passion for writing somewhere, for else you would simply stop doing it. Playing table tennis, mountaineering, boxing, playing a trumpet, gardening, knitting and bungee jumping are also different things to do, and yet you chose writing :-)
Melancholy isn't an unhealthy thing, as long as you don't forget there are also other feelings and there's a huge and beautiful world out there. Just enjoy the small things. People do so many things on auto-pilot they forget to look around. There are so many funny, touching and beautiful things around it's a shame to let them go unnoticed...
So hopefully you'll climb out of the gloom soon. |
Written by Fledermaus (4146 comments posted) 2nd February 2010 | Err. Sorry for the grammatical errors. I'm a bit sloppy in my writing lately; Especially if I change things. Let's blame it on to much passion  |
Written by Nick (786 comments posted) 3rd February 2010 | Thanks for the comments Ron. I may have some sort of passion for writing or it could be that it's one of the few hobbies I can do while sitting on my fat arse! Well I guess I could do knitting but that looks more complicated than writing!!
Nick |
Written by wendycat (2302 comments posted) 7th February 2010 | Knitting is really easy.
I just wanted to add to what I said before, it may or may not be of any help, but I thought I would just stick my nose in again and say that the things you describe are life changing events.
I've a history of depression myself (why are there so many depressive poets, writers and artists?) and have had some fairly intensive therapy over the last few years, what they call 'talking therapy' (seeing a shrink) mostly because of something in my past which had affected me far more than I realised. The thing about therapy is that it isn't the talking bit that helps, you're right, talking doesn't really change anything, it's more about the rearrangement of your own attitudes and reactions to said events.
It might be worth a try, what have you got to lose? If you don't like it or don't think it's working then don't go anymore.
I shall remove my nosey attitude from yor life now. |
Written by woody44 (876 comments posted) 8th February 2010 | You seem to be in somewhat of a cleft stick situation here Nick. You obviously have the ability to write but don`t feel any strong passion about it. Do you always feel this way or only when you are in a depressive state of mind?
I think to have a reasonable chance of `making` it as a writer one has to have a certain amount of passion and self-belief to get over the hurdle of rejections. Every writer will get them, from the most literary to Jeffrey Archer (!) I suspect you are looking for something which fires you up, but have not, as yet, found it. Maybe you never will, and will just dabble in different things, getting a little something out of each. If that is to be the case then maybe you can settle for this, at least you will not be filled with angst each time a rejection letter pops through the door. Meanwhile don`t give up on your writing, who knows, one day you may pen something which does get you truly excited. It may or may not receive a wider audience but at least you will have got a deep satisfaction from writing it. I wish you all the best, whichever way your `hobbies` take you.
Roger |
Written by Nick (786 comments posted) 8th February 2010 | Wendy - Thanks again for you comments. Your nose is welcome round here. I did see a 'Pain therapist' years ago for the problems with my leg but got annoyed as his first question was 'Are you on drugs?' He meant illegal ones. I'd barely said 'Hi' and he just went off on one. Pissed me off and I never went back. My doctor did recommend I see a shrink/therapist/someone to bitch at, last year but I never took up his offer. Maybe something to think about.
Roger - Thanks for the comments and I do normally feel like this - I can't write when I'm totally depressed.
I don't really have to worry about rejection letters as I never submitted anything to be rejected. Might do it sometime if I think anything I've written is worth it....
Nick |
Written by Nick (786 comments posted) 18th February 2010 | Mmm I kind of lied in my previous comment. I had actually submitted a story to a magazine at the start of the year. I didn't totally forget about it, but I just didn't always remember. That is until I got the rejection letter (email) through a week ago. Oh well better luck next time!!!
Nick | I agree...
Written by CarlHalling (50 comments posted) 19th February 2010 | | ...with much that's been written elsewhere about Nick's writing. Nick, you're a naturally gifted and fluent writer, I hope you can develop: I suffer from depressive and severe lengthy lethargic spells, so can identify to a degree with what you've written here; but I do love writing I have to confess. Good luck anyway mate. |
Written by Nick (786 comments posted) 21st February 2010 | Carl - Thanks for the kind words, although I think 'naturally gifted' and 'fluent writer' are a few praises too far but I appreciate the sentiment.
Nick |
Written by NoHoldsBard (107 comments posted) 21st February 2010 | Enough has been said about the depression - it's a bugger, but you have to live with it. I've had it for so long it's just being normal for me.
The drugs thing always makes me laugh. When asked, I tell them I take alcohol. They don't like that. Alcohol is a greater killer and f*cks you up more thoroughly than any illegal drug. But they like to take alcohol themselves, and therefore it must be blameless. Only illegal drugs can be linked to depression. Depression, presumably, knows the law.
Sixty years ago, doctors got equally annoyed when anyone questioned te wisdom of smoking. Most doctors smoked, they liked smoking, they didn't want to stop, so how could there possibly be anything wrong with it?
For the writing - some people can write; others can't. Those who can't think there must be some trick to it, and if they read enough books and do enough courses they'll find out what it is. Fat chance! But this is the source of the earnest exhortations to polish your prose. You can write. You'll instinctively know when things are right. Don't be dragged down by those who can't!
Don't listen to anybody. Write your own stuff in your own way, and if it's any good, people will like it. The great thing about internet writing is that it doesn't have to be suitable for submission to X, or be the sort of stuff that pleases Y, you can write anything you damn well please in any way you please. I find that very liberating.
Good luck, write like a maniac, never look back, and never stop!
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Written by Nick (786 comments posted) 26th February 2010 | NHB - Thanks for the review and advice.
As for writing like a maniac, I do sort of do that. I won't write for a few weeks and then in one evening I'll get out the 2 or 3 stories running round my head. They will then just sit on my laptop until I get round to editing them (normally never).
I'd love to have the passion to write everyday but I don't and if i try to force it I just produce drivel (possibly what I normally produce but the drivel I post on here is slightly better than the drivel I don't!!)
Nick | I feel the same.
Written by Wildman (10 comments posted) 31st March 2010 | God, I feel exactly the same as you mate, especially today. And yet I know that my thinking is nonsense. Just have to let it pass, which it will, like every other experience.
As regards your writing, I enjoyed reading it. I tell you why; because you spoke like you were talking. Which is always the sign of a good writer, I think. And although the subject matter was unhappy and discontented you didn't come across as full of self-pity, which is refreshing. Too often I read something by someone who really believes that they must be the centre of the Universe.
What else? Oh yeah - you sound to me like you're on the brink of a spiritual awakening. This sort of blackness and despair usually comes first.
Keep at it. Writing, I mean. And trudging, like we do. And if it no longer works drop it. Peace. |
Written by Nick (786 comments posted) 31st March 2010 | Wildman - Thanks for the review and welcome to GW.
Mmm the brink of a spiritual awakening - sounds quite nice, sounds like it could change my whole world - do these cost much or is it better to get a second hand one on ebay?
Only kidding - a spiritual awakening, an epiphany or just a reset button on my soul would be bloody marvelous - most days I'm just sick of being me, but then you always get those infrequent days when everything just seems to come together and be me is ace - hopefully one of those days will come to pass soon!!
Cheers again.
Nick |
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