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Poetry
Fifty years apart
By patterjack
05 April 2006
These poems make up the sum total of my published work , one in an anthology and one in a another place It may give GW readers something to speculate about as to which is the earlier

Acceptance

Let us not then meddle with eternity,
but let me promise you a half-feigned love
for one short night and for a shorter day;
since in that time the full complexity
of all our tangled thoughts will move
to one grave end, why should we pray
that it might last forever?
Some seconds pass , and we have spent
a lifetime in a shaken moment's fever;
this was a love that neither could prevent
though we have only acted it in mime,
but it might save us from the frantic fear of time.

Hills Under Rain

Over the hills the rain monotonously spreads,
no wind to drive it; vague and vertical lines
that wash the colour from the landscape.
Only the closer trees retain their green;
on the hills’ rim the gums are greyly drab
fading to a line of drooping wraiths
as the hill fades to an achromatic merging with the sky.
Flat and grey , my thoughts narrow with the landscape.
What’s here and now I can see, a little blurred perhaps
but under the lowered cloud
what was is washed away
together with what will be .

Reviews
thoughtful
Written by Bagheera (685 comments posted) 5th April 2006
I'm deeply envious of anyone who can pen verse - something I'd love to have the confidence for myself (nb. I don't count song lyrics - which I CAN write! - as 'verse') 
 
I liked the way the (expected) rhythm of the Iambic Pentameters is (deliberately?) broken in both these poems, at lines where I feel you wish to underline a thought or emotion. For no reason I can immediately define, I prefer the sentiments and style of the second poem, "Hills Under Rain"

Written by Josie (2849 comments posted) 5th April 2006
I feel the same as Bagheera. However, I do question the use of the word "love" in your first poem. "A half-feigned love", though, is what you say. Women of my generation would not want that; they want lasting love - and with it security. I think that today we think it is different - but deep inside everyone, they want a lasting love. - - - "that was a love that neither could prevent" - probably not love but desire. I think that this would be a better word here. 
 
Your second poem aptly describes the weather we have had in the last few days, and I look from my window towards Ilkley Moor. But I feel it is the last of winter, which seems to be lashing furiously against the advance of spring in all its glory, and I am glad that this poem is next to mine "The Bride Named Spring" because eventually, The Bride Named Spring does show herself, and how we rejoice!

Written by amboline (183 comments posted) 10th April 2006
Two very interesting pieces, which show two sides of a poetic craftsman. Of the two, I think I preferred "Acceptance"; it wasn't an easy read at first but repeated reading seemed to pull out a richness of rhythm and a depth of subject matter. I like the way you've played with the conventions of the sonnet here, lengthening and shortening lines for emphasis without ever disrupting the rhythm of the piece; for me this made a slightly "freer" and more expressive piece than some of the more formal sonnets you've posted on this site. I also like the way you never explicitly mention the subject of the poem, but leave it to the reader to visualise the event and unpick the truth (or otherwise) of the emotional implications that you hint at in the last few lines. My only criticism really is that the first line of the piece is very abstract, given such earthy subject matter! 
 
"Hills Under Rain" reads as a slightly less mature work. The imagery is striking but I've seen you use similar imagery much more creatively in other pieces, and the repetitions ("fades", "washed") and adverbs ("monotonously", "greyly") for me weaken the impact of your description. 
 
On the whole, though, very good stuff. You should definitely be submitting more material for publication!
Hmmm
Written by NuttyWithIt (38 comments posted) 23rd August 2006
These are both very good poems. Not at all like I usually write. These have been much more thought through. I'm afraid I can't do reviews as well as the others here!! I can only say that these are obviously quality work and I enjoyed reading them, which is unusual for me!! Deep thought scares the hell out of me!!! I think Acceptance was written first, but only because I'd prefer to imagine a younger you having those kinds of thoughts (I'm so ageist!!), and your vision being blurred as you watch the tapestry before you being washed away!! I'm probably way off the mark though!! This is why I hardly ever review!! I think I should stick to what I know.....I'll just say, I LOVED IT!!! :roll

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