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By Geoff
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08 February 2010 |
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When I feel, it is in colours
when I think, it is of lovers
when I listen, I hear the sea
when I look, all I see is me |
Intrigued!
Written by Katanga (4169 comments posted) 8th February 2010 | I think you need a comma in the first line, after 'think'?
i.e. 'When I think, it is in colours . . .
Then it makes sense with your line 2:
'and when I think, it is of lovers.'
The slant rhyme of 'colours / lovers' is excellent, IMHO BtW.
The second two lines? Not so sure . . .
You need a comma to be consistent with lines 1 and 2:
'when I listen, I hear the sea'
The final line?
Hmmm! I find the change of rhythm a bit awkward.
Maybe lose the two 'and's and the word 'all'
Dunno - just thoughts! Like your idea.
Cheers!
John
| Thanks
Written by Geoff (676 comments posted) 8th February 2010 | John on spending time on this, much appreciated. I'll tighten the rhythm, i like your suggestion. Apologies for my sloppy grammar!
cheers
Geoff |
Written by wendycat (2302 comments posted) 14th February 2010 | Not sure about this one geoff, I think it is a little bit too simplified. You don't really give me anything to relate to so it doesn't hold me. I want to be intrigued, but there isn't a hook to pull me into your idea.
Sorry
Wendy | Thanks
Written by Geoff (676 comments posted) 14th February 2010 | Wendy, can't win them all! I take your point 
Cheers
Geoff |
Written by wendycat (2302 comments posted) 15th February 2010 | Hi Geoff, That's just my own personal opinion, if we all liked the same thing the world would be an awfully bland place.
Wendy
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