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By Geoff
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08 February 2010 |
It took me a long time to put this forward as it seems very pretencious, but it is the opposite, when there is no self, no ego.................. I'm sure it will be slaughtered, thats OK I can take it! I am spring’s soft rain against your face
I am the warmth of love’s embrace
I am the smoked autumnal mist
I am your raised and angered fist
I am the cry of the newly born
I am the greatest love you have ever known
I am your desolation and your pain
I am the blood flowing through your veins
I am the office worker’s pounding feet
I am the commuter’s mundane beat
I am the wolf that roams the night
I am the cobalt lightning strike
I was your birth I am your death
and I will be your final breath
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No slaughter, okay?
Written by Katanga (4169 comments posted) 8th February 2010 | Sorry, Geoff, but your rather defensive intro makes it difficult for people to comment on with honesty.
I seriously like your overall meaning here, however . . .
I think you could tighten it by getting rid of the repetition of 'I am'. Suggestion: entitle the poem 'I am', then no more repeats, i.e.
I am
spring’s soft rain against your face
the warmth of love’s embrace
the smoked Autumnal mist
your raised and angered fist
and so on?
I find some phrases / lines very striking. e.g.
'smoked autumnal mist' (drop the capital 'A')
'cobalt lightening strike' ('lightning' BTW)
but I would take a look at some rather worn cliches, e.g.
'the greatest love you have ever known'
'the blood flowing through your veins'.
I love your final line:
'and I will be your final breath.'
'final breath'is perhaps cliched, but combined with 'I will be' lifts it into originality, IMHO again.
Sorry if all the above seems picky!
Cheers!
John
| stolen thunder!
Written by toggle (141 comments posted) 8th February 2010 | | But then again, perhaps not. I have just about finished a poem with the same 'I am' theme - although different sentiment - and will post it soon, Perhaps we could compare notes! | Not picky
Written by Geoff (676 comments posted) 8th February 2010 | all John, if could see the number of cliched lines in the bin, but you have hit on one of the reaons I was reluctant to post this. I think I will go off into a darkend room and try again on those!
Sorry Toggle if a prempted you, how spooky. Would love to see yours and compare notes. I dtill quite like the repetitive !I am" theme, though I do take Johns point
thanks
Geoff | Hey! No gripes!
Written by Katanga (4169 comments posted) 8th February 2010 | Apologies!
Let's see what happens, eh?
I write a load of crap more often than not.
The well-meant flak is comforting . . .
John |
Written by wendycat (2302 comments posted) 14th February 2010 | Inspired by 'do not stand at my grave and weep?' (Mary Elizabeth Frye)
'I am a thousand winds that blow/I am the diamond glint on snow'
I think there are a few cliches in this and if you use a very strong repeat I think you need to keep the rhythm tight.
It doesn't give me a way to attach to it, if you see what I mean, there's not enough to tell me 'why' you are all these things to this specific person, and because of this I find it difficult to connect to.
It's a very solid piece of writing, there's no leeway to think around it, if you see what I mean, but that makes it hard to connect to.
Hope that was helpful 
Wendy | Thanks Wendy
Written by Geoff (676 comments posted) 14th February 2010 | that has helped a lot, I think I see one of the major problems now and will need a major rewrite. However for now I'm going to put his to one to put one side for a rainy day as I've got so frustrated with it !
cheers
Geoff |
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