[ CUE ANNOUNCER ]

Announcer. ' And now its time for ROTWEILLER RADIO --- " In the News" Celebrity Interview. [ CUE APPLAUSE ] And the news this week is that a truly Olympian Sage has been rightfully plucked to represent our nation as the voice of The 2012 Olympics. And what's more, he is here tonight! To share his prodigious, his superabundant, his truely gargantuan intellect with us his most fanatical admirers!!! SALVE! SALVE! VERITAS VICTOR LUDORUM!!!!.......[ HUGE APPLAUSE ]

And who better, more fitted to present our star guest tonight than that Colossus, that  Titan amongst Presenters......A legendary Celebrity, that Celebrity of a Legend himself......I am talking the Prince of Presenters.... I'm talking the King of Kings and Lord of Hosts....I'm turning the oh so icy cool dial up to ELEVEN.... because its ....STEPHAN!..... FRY!!!!!!! [SOUND OF ALLELUHIA CHORUS ]

Stephan Fry [1] Hello there.... Hilllllllllllllo there! Oh how lucky you are you most fortunate chosen ones!! For a whole half hour you get to gaze fondly, not at one : BUT AT TWO OF ME!!! Because I am called upon to introduce to you tonight someone whose name you know all too well already. Someone of towering substance! Someone whose very name is synonymous with.... with.... sublime... celestial, nay, gnostic erudition! Need I say more? One who needs no introduction. I'll just say two earth shattering words! STEPHAN FRY!!!!! [SOUND OF HUGE ADULATORY APPLAUSE ].... Stephan..., Blessed Vision,...Welcome to the programme.....

Stephan Fry [2] Thank you! Thank you, Stephan, for such lavish praise. Though I have to add it is no more than I deserve. I really am such a frightfully, frightful gifted fellow!

Stephan Fry [1] Oh I say! Stephan! What a sparkling riposte! A hit! A very palpable hit! May I kiss you feet?....Then maybe your ar....[ HE GETS NO FURTHER AS FRY[2] CUTS HIM SHORT ]....

Stephan Fry [2] Oh! My word! You naughty, mischievous infant, you!! [ WHISPERS ASIDE ] Later, Darling. Later.

Stephan Fry [1] Never mind, then. But maybe later...I shall hold you to that! Just your feet for now. [SOUND OF DISGUSTING SLOBBERING ] Oh such wit! So rapturously eloquent! And so charming with it! My and you're so devlish handsome a brute to boot ! You could have come to us from.... from.... Fairyland!!

Stephan Fry [2] Touche! [WHISPERS ASIDE ] You don't know th' arf of it, Duckie! Step round th' Kazi, 'bout 'arf an hour? I'll give you Fairyland!!! [THEN RECOVERING HIS COMPOSURE ] Oh!!....Please do excuse me! Meant to say.. Oh really!?... I hadn't really thought of it. No. I tell a lie! I think about it all the time. As a matter of fact, I'm quite obsessed. TOTALLY....TOTALLY....OBSESSED!!!

Stephan Fry [1] Really!? Stephan, you shock me. Such a frank admission of modesty. We are unworthy of you...

Stephan Fry [2] Sadly true. Too true.I look in the mirror each day.. No actually every hour or so... Well , to be candid, every five minutes in fact, and think, God, Stephan! You are so wonderful! So intelligent! So beguiling and adorable!! And quite utterly, utterly ravishing....How is I could have come to earth in human form?

Stephan Fry [1] Stephan, Darling. It must be so, sooooooooooooo difficult for One to live with Oneself?

Stephan Fry [2] Oh its hell, Dearest Boy! Sheerest Hell!! But One struggles on... As One must...

Stephan Fry [1] I believe you are trying to come to terms with your worldwide renown by writing.... starring in....producing and directing a new Motion Picture : STEPHEN FRY: THE MOVIE?

Stephan Fry [2] But of course. And also distributing it through my Production Company,  'GREASY FRY UP '.

Stephan Fry [1] And my Hollywood spies tell me the word ' Oscar ' is being whispered more often than when a certain Mr Wilde went wandering, cruising on Clapham Common?

Stephan Fry [2] Simply a matter of turning up to take it, Dear Boy. As I have done on countless occasions; if not otherwise engaged. One frets for other nominees. Poor Sweeties. How luckless to have to compete with me!

Stephan Fry [1] Oh Stephan, so self effacing!! I am humbled!

Stephan Fry [2] But naturally! And I am bringing out ten sequels at the same time -- or contemporaneously -- as I prefer to say. You see I feel I owe it to the lowly plebeians to satisfy their insatiable lust, thirst and craving for me....

Stephan Fry [1] Indeed. And I hear from your publicity company ,'OUT OF THE FRYING PAN ' , you have a fifteenth follow up to your autobiography, ' A Life of the Incomperable Stephan Fry. In His Own Exquisite and Unmissable Words '

Stephan Fry [2] Ya. Its a spin off from ' Everything You need to Know About Everything. Particularly Stephan Fry ' which was published for the consumption and education of the Sansculottes under my populist pseudonym, Nobby Narcissus.

Stephan Fry [1] Oh my! You thrilling and accomplished thing! I beg you tease us with tales of your boundless, effortless genius!

Stephan Fry [2] Oh this is so tedious! But I owe it to my public. [ CALLS OUT WITHOUT A HINT OF IRONY  ] Coooeee! I'm ready for my Close Up, Mr De Mille!. Quite honestly, I have to say, I find all this intergalactic universal mega stardom heaped upon me so terribly, terribly boring. I find I awake and cry out like Hotspur : 'Fie upon this quiet life! I must needs have action! '

Stephan Fry [1] Is that why you are launching a Twenty Four Hour Round the Clock  '
STEPHAN FRY ' Television Channel?

Stephan Fry [2] Stephan, rapturous angel! You are so perceptive! So deliciously perspicatious! Your probing is fraught with tantalising ' Je ne sait crois '!! Yes.... I have discovered that the public cannot get enough of me. I'm even doing special translations of my eppigrammatic esprit d' escalier, searing verbal banter and totally engaging anecdotes in the fifty two other languages I speak for those idle Johnnie Foreigners who long to devour the quitessential ' Stephan Fry ' experience. Its to be named ' STEPHAN FRY : WISDOM INCARNATE : A WORD FOR THE WORLD '  Beginning with French.

Stephan Fry [1] French Fries?  [FORCED LAUGH ] Ha Ha! [ TAPERS OFF TO TO DEAFENING PAUSE ] Ha...H.......

Stephan Fry [2] Pardon? were my delicate ears, attuned only to aesthetic , angellic sounds, assaulted by an ugly, unpleasent and cacophonous braying?

Stephan Fry [1] [ GROVELLING ] Joke? Just a simple joke! Forgive my impudence, Oh Scion of Zeus! May ten thousand vengeful swords fall from the angry skies and sever my vile head from my criminal and worthless body!

Stephan Fry [2] Sorry will do. Granted. Yes. It was exceedingly gauche humour, often associated with the those from amongst the Manufacturing Classes. [ASIDE WHISPERS ] Listen, Bozo. I'll do the funnies. Your job is to laugh when prompted and make sure the brainless Oiks in the audience laugh as well. Got it? Good. Carry on.

Stephan Fry [1] [ RECOVERING COMPOSURE ] To continue.... I gather there is to be also. ' STEPHAN FRY : THE OPERA '?

Stephan Fry [2] Absolutely. Hugely embarrassing really to be so, so comprehensively and completely worshipped. But when One is so talented as I, what can One do?

Stephan Fry [1] Oh, Quite so! Quite so! But may I ask you, you dashing young Buck... May I...

Stephan Fry [2] [ WITH IMPERIOUS HAUTEUR ] You may...

Stephan Fry [1] You are too, too kind...Is it correct during your brilliant, glorious, illustrious career at Oxford you were known as Two Brains?

Stephan Fry [2] Three actually. And I'll let you into a little secret.... Its true! I'm sure it will come as no surprise to you to know that I have several times turned down the Nobel Prize for  'Just About All there is to Know About the Universe and Everything '. One must be bereft of vanity. Allow others a chance. One learnt as early as One's Prep School to afford opportunity even to those engaged in trade. Indeed even to stoop as low as to notice.......[HE HESITATES AND PROUNCES THE PHRASE WITH OBVIOUS DISTASTE ]...Common People....!!

Stephan Fry [1] Quite so. How benevolent you are, Stephan. How typical of you one so clever so given to sapience,  to admit to noticing those less blissfully endowed than yourself. Now.... Might I be somwhat forward and suggest you must find yourself irresistible to women?

Stephan Fry [2][ WITH CLEAR ANNOYANCE ] Mmmm. You are right ,of course. Fortunately I find them ..... [PAUSE THEN WITH CLIPPED EXACTITUDE ].....Quite the opposite....!

Stephan Fry [1] Ah.... Yes. Forgive me....An immeasurable pardon!!! [ WHISPERS ASIDE ] Less said about that the better, eh. Make note. Sack Researcher!! [ RETURNING] Let's Hurry on...To conclude, as sadly we must. Ah! too, too soon! May I entreat you to bestow on us mere mortals some morcel, maybe? Some crumbs of deified enlightenment! I beseech you, Speak!! Divine Creature! I implore you, step down from Olympus, Deus Ex Machina! Cast your wand upon the rabble and Utter!!!.... Utter......[ SOUND OF STEPHAN FRY [1] FALLING OFF HIS CHAIR ] Words....

Stephan Fry [2] Pearls before swine, Dear Boy! Pearls before swine!!!... But.. Oh [HUGE SIGH OF REIGNATION ] ... if I must...Guard this golden nugget! Cherish this exquisite gem of knowledge as the child clasped to the boosom.....My name is not really Fry.

Stephan Fry [1] I am overcome! So what is it?.... Maybe Titania... Queen of the Faries?

Stephan Fry [2] PRATT!!

[ REPEAT ALLELUIAH CHORUS AND CUT ]