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Poetry


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First Breath

By an_aspiring_writer

06 April 2006

I have written this recently as I am undergoing a spiritual awakening, what do you think?

First Breath

Earth moving underneath my feet,
My soul stirring from what I seek.
I feel the warmth of my life in my heart,
And let it shine, it is so very bright.

I have been blessed, I am awake.
I only feel what is for sake.
For now I know the time is right.
I have been blessed by a heavenly light.

He cometh to me and held me high.
My head felt as though it had touched his sky.
He told me that this time would be ok,
And that for me, my life would start today.

Who would have known?
Who really cares?
That I am true…….
And we are there……

If you want to join me,
Come on in.
I am having a party,
At the moment, it is just me and him.
There is lots of room for angel friends,
So if your heart is big, then I’ll see you there.

Namaste x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x

Reviews

Written by amboline (183 comments posted) 11th April 2006

First of all: the warmth and enthusiasm of your current experience really shines through here. The first verse is especially warm, it makes the senses tingle just reading it!

I have to confess that after verse 1, the poem doesn't really work for me. The sensations which you're trying to describe are all very abstract, which means it's very difficult for me to relate to them. You've managed to "earth" your spiritual high very effectively in verse 1, I'd really like to see more of the same in the later verses. You mention light, the sky, being woken up - perhaps explore what these images do to your body as well as your mind?

The other thing I didn't like is that from verse 2 onwards you introduce a rhyme scheme which didn't feature in verse 1. I personally think that what you're trying to express would work better as free verse - the rhyme scheme does seem to force you to choose particular words that seem a bit weaker than they might be. You also introduce archaic phrases in verse 3 ("he cometh") which don't fit at all well with the modern, slightly slangy language used elsewhere ("ok", "having a party").

It's always difficult to express profound spiritual experiences in words. You've made a very good start here, and with a bit of work, this will be a very expressive piece.

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