It feels like I've been wandering around aimlessly these past few months.
Before the deaths the days fell into place like a child's playing blocks, I think somehow
I've strayed from the path I was on. The hours feel long but within a blink of an eye it's already been 20 minutes since I stared at my alarm clock, nothing makes sense anymore.

I've tried watching movies like the Virgin Suicides...It just leaves me with a sense of calm cool warm summer days before I left my birthplace and a strange but familiar sense of lost and hopelessness.

I feel like a small defenseless little goldfish out of it's bowl.

I am tired of snow. That's all I see and hear is that horrible fluffy freedom of school childern, I feel like up-chucking. It's there and it never goes away. My upper back and shoulder blades ache and slide uncomfortably under my skin, it's small but nonetheless a sharp hurtful pain.

I debate on taking a bath and that sounds too wonderful to be true, the way hot water prickles at your skin when you first plunge your foot into it and how it tricks your nerves for a split second making them believe for an instant that it might be actually cold.

The headless dolls with wire for arms meant to hold bracelets and rings stare at me from the opposite wall, I'd never wish for them to come to life, I do think they would be actually mean or spiteful since a few times I flung them into walls and knocked them over with a swing of my arm a few times before.

They would want revenge.

I have fifty-four cents to my name. I am a little ashamed.
Usually I do spend cash for pants (I was obessed on getting jeans) and new issues of comic series that I like to keep up with and some novels here and there but, it's been awhile since I actually spent everything in my poor little bank account. I don't save much as you can clearly see and I just barely climbed out of my hole.

Now I am resting near it, trying to inch away slowly as I catch my breath.

Damn gym membership...I forgot I had to pay so much a month for something I don't even use anymore.  I already tried canceling it.
I also blissfully forgotten that I signed a year contract with them that isn't up until mid November. Gay, my life is really gay.

I guess there is only one thing to do now.

Use that damn membership to run my self ragged for a few weeks, build some muscle, go to work and try to convince the new company that I can be part of their Communist China Regime before quitting and going to work with my brother over at Geek City.

Life is a beautiful thing.

It's like a fucked up step child of Trouble and Monopoly.
I am just glad I don't have worry about school.