Sometimes people are scared to get too close
You made me despise your boyfriend
with your stories of his cruelty,
your poor limp and dimpled scar
from the time he smashed your knee in the door.
When I met him
the soles of his feet were yellow,
and I couldnt understand why you
stayed with this person who hurt you so.
I vowed to tell him
that when I took you away from him
he'd never spit in your face again,
your freckled bewildered beauty.
Until one night we slept
Curled together, and in the morning
And in the days that followed
you wore a different face,
One I no longer recognised
because it twisted in passion against me.
And now this horrible distance between us;
You cant cope when someone loves you right.
.........................................................................old verse four:
Later, you scared me with your duplicity
and showed me just why he did it and how you liked it;
I cant look at you the same now
Ive seen your other face.
|
So personal
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3298 comments posted) 8th April 2006 |
| I feel like I'm reading someone else's mail. This seems like it was written for only one person to read. I'm not sure it's for public consumption. |
Written by shirley_keeldar (67 comments posted) 10th April 2006 |
There is, to my knowledge, no all-encompassing definition of what poetry should be... here is one, from my humble dictionary: poem; a literary work usually dealing with emotional or descriptive themes... but who are any of us to decide what does and does not constitute poetry?  |
Written by amboline (183 comments posted) 11th April 2006 |
I think that what Bottleblonde meant is that a lot of poetry is written for a particular purpose - to address an issue of concern between two people, or an unresolved grief in the heart of the poet. Those poems are important, but they don't necessarily make a lot of sense when read by somebody who's outside the situation being described. It can be hard for a reader to relate to the poet's experiences, in fact it might even feel like we're intruding into somebody else's private life if we attempt to do so. There can be sense in not sharing such work with an outside audience, particularly if you yourself are still tender from the experience you're describing.
Having said that, sometimes such personal pieces can work very well if they manage to strike a chord with a reader - perhaps somebody who's been through something similar, and can relate to your feelings or to the subject of the poem. In such circumstances, this kind of poetry can be quite healing for the reader - it's as if somebody else has found a new way of expressing what the reader can't quite put into words.
I have a sneaking suspicion that this poem is a mixture of the two. I found the first three verses very powerful, you've used small (but significant) details to give a far more effective snapshot of the subject of your poem than you would have achieved had you just described them. The dimpled scar and the "freckled bewildered beauty" convey so much of this person's personality, and these details drew me into the story very well.
It's when I reach verse 4 that I start to be uncomfortable. Here you switch from this kind of lovely descriptive writing, and suddenly start on aggressive value judgements which the reader is in no position to be able to understand. You've called the person in the poem duplicitous, but not explained why. This is where the poem begins to look less like a piece that others can relate to, and more like an excerpt from an angry letter.
There's a lot in this that's very good, and in the first 3 verses you've demonstrated that you DO have a gift for conveying personal, deeply emotional material to an audience. But I really think that verse 4 needs a serious overhaul before this can be marked for public consumption.
I hope these comments are helpful. If you want to revise the poem at all, do post up the new version, it will be interesting to see where you take it from here  |
revision, and thanks
Written by shirley_keeldar (67 comments posted) 11th April 2006 |
thank you amboline for the constructive criticism, it was helpful...
truth be told verse 4 felt wrong even to me when i read back over it; i was in a funny cynical place when i made the poem, and rushed the end, it never looked comfortable just tagged on the end there...
im new to writing poetry so perhaps this is why much of what i say is so personal...
have left the original verse on so people can see what we're talking about! |
Written by amboline (183 comments posted) 12th April 2006 |
I like the new ending - it fits much better, and you convey the message in the imagery rather than in value judgements. Very effective.
All poets use their most personal experiences to fuel their poetic output. The trick really is to do it in a way which connects with other people's personal experience, or with their emotions, hopes and fears. It can be very difficult to edit and revise material that starts life as such a personal piece, so much respect to you for being willing to give it a go |
no offence
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3298 comments posted) 12th April 2006 |
"but who are any of us to decide what does and does not constitute poetry?"
I didn't comment on whether it was poetry or not I am in no position to judge. I was just reacting to the words, it was not a crit just a personal reaction with no value judgement.Amboline was very perceptive in her review that last verse was too exclusive and i responded to it. I may well have been at fault.I make no claim as a writer my own stuff has little literary merit and has been severely criticised. But if you post something up it will be read by total strangers and you need to address that. |
thanks..
Written by shirley_keeldar (67 comments posted) 2nd May 2006 |
| ...as everyone its just hard receiving criticism, especially when the subject matter has been personal, but I shall take all opinions on board |
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