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Comedy
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What do you want??
By paulwalker
08 April 2006
Hi there first go at this. This is one of the characters ive been working on and have developed into a workable form. Ive other sketches featuring this character but this is my favourite.
Just don’t say its like Al Murray please !! : )

The sketch is called ‘What do you want??’

A sketch involving an unpleasant barman called mike with annoyingly loud catchphrases:

A man walks into mikes bar

‘ WHAT DO YOU WANT??????’

Yells mike

The man is quite shocked. ‘Er, just a half please’

Mike pours the drink ‘THERE YOU GO!!!’ he booms right in the mans face ‘ANYTHING ELSE????’

‘Er yes, some pork scratching please’ replies the timid man.

Mike gets him what he wants ‘THAT’S 1.90 PLEASE…..GIVE ME THE MONEYYYYYYY!!!!!!’ yells mike at impossible volume.

The man pays then takes his drink and snacks and scurries off just as another punter approaches the bar.

‘WHAT DO YOU WANT????????’ screams mike.

‘A pint of lager’ says the frightened man.

Again mike pours the drink ‘THERE YOU GO, NOW (huge intake of breath) .GIVE ME THE MONEYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!’ this last bit is so loud the whole pub shakes and dust falls from the ceiling.

The man pays then runs for shelter.

Between serving people Mike polishes a baseball bat he has behind the counter with the word ‘Sally’ written on it.

Another man approaches the bar.

‘WHAT DO YOU WANT??????’ belts Mike.

‘Just an orange juice’ mumbles the man, clearly overcome by Mikes behavior

‘AN ORANGE JUICE????? ARE YOU GAY??????’ this last bit is screamed at point blank range into the mans face, who just manages to shake his head.


Mike pours the drink, hands it to him, then prepares himself as he does a huge long inhale, his lungs filling right up.

‘GIVE ME THE MONEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!’ the blast from his voice throws the man backwards into a heap on the floor.

The man runs out of the pub in fear as mike starts smashing the place up with his baseball

Reviews
The spirit is willing but....
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3590 comments posted) 8th April 2006
I'm sorry but as much as I tried I could not get Al Murray out of my head I could hear him saying it. Youre' going to have to give your character some other traits,rather than just boorishness and homophobia. The other problem is the humour is all in the character and not on the page. It could be funny if you got the right actor to do it but there is no identifyable joke on the page.. I'm saying this before others do as I made the same mistake in a post and had it pointed out to me. Its a tricky business,humour.
hmmmm
Written by Iheoma (20 comments posted) 8th April 2006
Okay, he is funny but he needs to be alive a bit more. What do you think? Add a few quirky mannerisms coupled with the shouting you should have a whole dude. Not so. Tweak it abit and post it up again.  
 
going nowhere
Written by woody44 (777 comments posted) 9th April 2006
Sorry Paul but this did nothing for me. The character appears to have nothing going for him but a loud mouth. Perhaps if you could develope him a bit more or have some REAL interplay between the characters. I always hesitate to crit comedy pieces because I appreciate how hard it is. At least you have had a go!

Written by paulwalker (42 comments posted) 9th April 2006
Thanks Woody 
 
I agree, this character certainly has a lot of potential. 
 
In retrospect i think if i had described the shouting as being even louder, and if he had used the 'what do you want?' line a few more times it might have been even funnier. 
 
I'm thinking of including details such as Mike being a chain smoker and wearing zany ties in each sketch
Zany ties?
Written by givitsum (651 comments posted) 9th April 2006
I don't think a zany tie would add tremendously to the comic effect. Now a pair of half-mast trousers? Brilliant! Unfortunately you'd never see them, as he's behind the bar most of the time.  
 
Sorry, but I think this blokes got about as much comedy potential as my mother-in-law.
course of leeches
Written by sasquatch (125 comments posted) 10th April 2006
paul, 
 
id have to go with the crowd on this one. Not even the zaniest tie known to mankind (a mythical garment known as the sacred neck scarf of babylon) could stop this ship from sinking. 
 
As someone probably once said; the shouthing maketh not the man. 
 
Nice try mate. 
 
Brilliant
Written by gwynn1970 (109 comments posted) 10th April 2006
Paul I think your comedy is very good judging by your first contribution just what this place needs its all been about arses and stuff lately. I also have a couple of hilarious comedy characters called Billy & Bobby and one's a cockney. 
 
I think its a good idea to introduce the funny ties and chain smoking that would really put the icing on the cake! 
 
Well done to you boyo. 
 
This is almost as good as Fasten Your Seatbelt. 
 
Gwynn
chuffed
Written by paulwalker (42 comments posted) 11th April 2006
Thanks Gwynn, thats really encouraging. 
 
I've had some mixed reviews but overall i think everyone really enjoyed the character and would like to see more. 
 
Well, i wont let my public down. 
 
I really enjoyed Fasten your seat belt too and your cocknet stuff, the one about the deep sea diver! 
 
Ive got another character which i plan to post. 
 
thanks everyone!!

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