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Poetry
She won't see.
By hafutota
08 April 2006
i wrote this more as a song, though, during a train trip home, but since most of my friends already regard it as poetry i thought i'd post it here.

thanks in advance for reading and reviewing. i look forward to improve my poetry, so drop in any comments.


I sit around the usual place,
At the corner in the train,
Wishing that these things would be,
A little more of what i dream

I just want to see her smile,
Nothing more is worth that while,
Hug her when she's sad and down,
And joking when i see her frown
but
Why won't she see.....
Why won't she notice me....
Why won't she smile....
Nothing else is worth that while.

Take me away,
Take me away from my mistakes.
All i wish are things would be,
A little more of what i dream
but
Why won't she see.....
Why won't she see me.....


All i want is just to say,
"I miss you every single day."
Hold her hand when we are close,
Cover her when she is cold.

Help her out with college work,
Laugh when she says i'm a jerk,
Stroke her hair when she's asleep,
Hold her gently as we kiss
But
Why won't she see....
Why won't she look at me...
Why won't she smile...
When i'm close around...

Take me away,
Take me away from my mistakes.
i know that we could never be,
At least, God, please notice me
but
Why won't she see....
Why won't she see me...

Day by day,
I look your way
And i hope
That someday
Just someday
You would say

"heys"
and smile....at me

And here i'm now, off this train,
Walking down this solemn rain
Wishing that these things would be
A little more of what i dream

but

She won't see....
She won't notice me
She won't see
And she will....oh she will...she will never...

love me....

Take me away,
Take me away from my mistakes.
Hug me when i'm sad and down
Kiss me when i wear a frown
But
She won't see.....
She won't see me.....
Cos she can't see....
Someone, oh someone

Like me......

Reviews

Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3362 comments posted) 9th April 2006
I've just read it and to me it reads like song lyrics And for me a song carries more power and emotion than poem. So if you have a tune use. I say this because it is a very simply expressed emotion and has a strong rhythmic structure. Just an opinion feel free to ignore it.

Written by amboline (183 comments posted) 10th April 2006
I agree - it's definitely more of a song than a poem, simply because poetry (although designed to be read aloud) also has to be able to stand alone on a page when you read it. I definitely felt that this was missing something by not having the melody to accompany it. I imagine a busker at a railway station, with an acoustic guitar to accompany this piece. 
 
Another difference between song lyrics and poetry is that you can get away with more in song lyrics! In poetry, very often the rule is "less is more": a poignant sentiment often stands out far more by being stated just once, leaving room for it to grow and develop in the reader's mind/heart/gut, whereas in a song you'd probably make the same sentiment into a chorus or repeated hook (as you've done with "Why won't she see...?").
Song lyrics and very nice
Written by Josie (2785 comments posted) 2nd September 2007
But I'm afraid that the subject's always the same, ha ha. When you are an old married woman, (as I am), it seems a long time ago that you wished like that - but we all did it. It was a long time ago when you wrote this. How's your poetry coming on? Time for another one.

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