' Denis Donaldson was given a phone number to ring if he felt his life was in danger.' [An Taoiseach ' Bertie Boy ' Ahern in The Irish Times] His funeral was sparsely attended. None of his old comrades from the West Belfast Brigade were there.
I have posted this in Comedy Scripts as there is nowhere else suitable. Strangely, it is a not inappropriate epitaph. Though I fear it may be far, far too near the truth actually to be funny.
It is nightfall in a remote Guardai Siochana station in West Donegal. These are dangerous times and bordering the bandit counties of the North, the Guardai have on standby officers of their most experienced crack divisions. Midnight approaches. And these vigilant sentinels, Guardians of the freedom of the Irish Republic, like lurking leopards taut ready to spring to the defence of their Motherland, are deeply engaged on matters of national security.
Guard Mulcahy. Two Jacks! I'll see yous an' I'll raise yous four.
[Superintendent] Guard McDiamarda. Three kings trumps yer brag. That's ten dabs yous owes me.........Jeeeeeze, where th' feck's that dumb lig Finnegan wi' th' brew!? Has th' fecker gone t' Ceylon f' it or somethin'!? [TELEPHONE RINGS] Mulcahy, how often do I have t' tell you t' switch that blower off of an evenin'. Next off yous'll have us at th' beck an' call o' every shagged up donkey that's learned t' speak. See who that is now. An' if its any bastard f' me, I am away out on covert operations and cannot be contacted. An' if it's that dandy bit o' jazz I slipped it to last night, tell her I've left th' planet.
Guard Mulcahy. .........Chief, it's some barmy loafer sez his name's Donaldson. Some daft runt's give him yer number. Sez he's t' give yous a bell if he gets th' shits, or somethin' like that?
Guard McDiamarda. What th' feck yous on about yous buck eejit!? Call me!? What th' feck do I know about some runt wi' th' runs? This is a police station not a public lavatory!
Guard Mulcahy. No Chief. Tosser sez he needs protection.
Guard McDiamarda. [Lighting a rollup] Protection!? Tell th' feckin' runt t' use a ratsack th' like o' any normal man. Yous can get a pack'' six flavours f' any church porch these days.
Guard Mulcahy. Sez yous t' help him Chief. Sez he's hearin' voices!
Guard McDiamarda. Hearin' voices!!? God's feckin' bare butt! Mulchay, If I went th' distance f' every do lally drop head what's started hearin' voices, I'd be liftin' every feckin' Government Minister from Cork t' Colraine.Tell th' crazy fecker t' stay off o' them strong foreign lagers. That should do th' trick. Either that or ten pints o' treacle plain. Lastways at least feckin' lig can join in th' conversation.
Guard Mulcahy. No Chief. Bastard sez these is real voices. Outside.
Guard McDiamarda. Voices? Outside? No problem. Tell th' dope t' relax. It's when yous start hearin' 'em inside yous need t' get t' worryin'.
Guard Mulcahy. Chief. This fecker's gettin' deranged. Sez they were in his head. Sez they is human voices, Chief. Angry human voices from centuries ago. Sez they've bin in his head forever, but now they've come out....An' they're real?.....
Guard McDiamarda. Human voices!? Jeeeeeze,..... can a man not get no rest in this world f' bein' plagued wi' every maudlin' idle cropheen what ever drew breath!? I'm here tryin' t' run a police station. Prevent th' good people o' Ireland from pissin' all over eachother's boots. Now I've t' grease me arse on th' road t' nowhere t' succour some gormless gag what's gone headstaggers wi' th' feckin' fairy folk!? Has th' world gone mad? Voices!? Ask th' lig. What voices? What is these voices sayin'? So help me! Be specific !
Guard Mulcahy. Seems Chief they is sayin'......DONALDSON!..... YOU FECKIN' SNIVELLIN' STREAK O' SHITE, ITS DOMINIC MAD DOG McGLINCHY HERE ON AN ERRAND F' TH' BHOYS IN BELFAST. TURN YER HEAD YOUS SNIVELLIN' STOOLIE RUNT AN' LOOK IRELAND IN THE FACE. F' TH' PAST IS TH' PRESENT HERE, AN' TH' PRESENT IS TH' FUTURE. SO HERE'S A PRESENT FROM TH' PAST F' A MAN THAT'S GOT NO FUTURE!........Hang on, Chief. There's a spot more. Postscript or somethin'. BANG!... BANG!...BANG!.......Sounds pretty specific t' me, Chief......Line's gone dead, Chief.....Seems like he has too....
Guard McDiamarda. That so....?
Guard Mulcahy. Uh...ho.. Wait on a mo now, Chief. You've a message f' Mr Mad Dog. Sez not t' bother gettin' in a tiz an' flyin' up there. It'll keep till mornin'. He just called round t' tidy up...... Sends his regards.
Guard McDiamarda. Grand. I likes a man wi' a tidy mind. Good t' see th' cleaners workin' late, th' like o' ourselves.Not like them fancy Dans up in Dublin, eh? It's th' workin' man keeps Mother Ireland buzzin' . Now get off that blower. Haven't we pressin' police work needs doin'....... I'll shuffle this time an' yous can deal.......Where th' feck is Finnegan wi' that brew. Do I have t' do everythin' myself.....
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needs work
Written by paulwalker (42 comments posted) 9th April 2006 |
Hi gerard,
good try however it comes across as a bit incoherent and senseless throughout, sort of garbled.
You need to work on your style a bit,
try thinking more about what you want to say and pacing it with more care.
keep trying!
Paul  |
Where do they get them from...!?
Written by gerardconnolly (1186 comments posted) 9th April 2006 |
That so? I gather you are the author of that juvenile, soi disant Comedy Script thing below me, about as comic as a kiddies' cracker quip, and on which I have decided to decline to comment further on the grounds of decency and on offending you.
Let me give you some advice however.You have a problem understanding do you sunshine? Well...
1 Try learning Irish- or at least something about Ireland. Its easy. It's under 'I' in The Children's Picture Dictionary.
2 While were on the subject of dictionaries. go and look up 'Irony' in the Big People's Dictionary. That's under 'I' as well.
3 Oh yes. And to save me the time and bother of repeating myself, while you are there look up 'IMBECILE'!!, that's under 'I' too.
If you get stuck, just choose Option3. It's likely to be the most accurate.
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feck face
Written by paulwalker (42 comments posted) 9th April 2006 |
wow, how graciously you take advice. I notice you enjoy giving it though. The mark of a true fool.
Youre pretty hung up about being Irish arent you!
How strange.
Words beggining with 'I'?, hmm.
How about Incomprehensible Ignoramus.
You should be able to find them in the Irish, sorry, the English dictionary. |
When Irish eyes.......
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3590 comments posted) 9th April 2006 |
Your'e just misunderstood,Gerard. I just love it when you're angry, you're just so sexy, Sure that fiery Irish temperament would just melt a poor girl's heart....Take me now you wild Irishman while the passion still burns bright!!!
Review to follow then the valium kicks in |
Ta Mrs.
Written by gerardconnolly (1186 comments posted) 9th April 2006 |
Thanks Mrs B. Generous as ever. My regards to yer Man who b' th' sound of it will be reinin' you in tonight.
As you and all of those who know me on this site will doubtless testify, I have no problem with informed criticism from those I respect. But I'll be buggered if I'll stand banter with some ignorant cloth eared cropeen in his mammy's knitted pullover that can himself scarce string together a coherent sentence.
Slainte!
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GERARS IRISH GERARDS IRISH GERARDS IRISH
Written by paulwalker (42 comments posted) 9th April 2006 |
Regarding your above comment
''some ignorant cloth eared cropeen in his mammy's knitted pullover that can himself scarce string together a coherent sentence''
eh?
That is perhaps the most dire attempt at an insult i have ever encountered, and for that I thank you.
Gerard, your prose is as pleasing as flatulence and your attempts at wit about as funny as having teeth pulled without anesthetic.
Slainte (its Irish for 'i talk shite') |
Mmmmmarvellous!
Written by givitsum (651 comments posted) 9th April 2006 |
Well I for one thoroughly enjoyed the banter that was going off in the reviews. Great crack!
I was hoping to find an installment of fasten your seatbelt up, but this helped comfort my disappointment.
Well done you lot.
PS Nice one Mr. C. I'll give this one a thumbs up. I think this section needs livening/spicing/funnying (is that a word?) up a bit and the piece combined with the reactions generated is certainly a step in the right direction.
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Read or dead!
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3590 comments posted) 10th April 2006 |
Well whatever else you are certainly racking up the hits.
I have been following the Donaldson affair with a feeling of depressed inevitability. What possessed you to put a funny slant on it I can’t imagine and as you say probably too near the truth for comfort. But I think what you came up with is a master-class in extracting humour from a very barren source. It’s a dangerous road to tread but I do like dangerous humour. When it works it’s funny plus. If you ever do a “how to” book on humour put me down for a copy (but I’ll expect a discount my mother is Irish)
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live dangerous my boyo!
Written by woody44 (777 comments posted) 10th April 2006 |
| I too liked this Gerard. So it`s a touchy subject, but if all touchy subjects were left alone what a barren world we`d inhabit. Not being of the Irish persuasion I had to read it several times to soak up the dialect and it was all the nore delicious for it. More power to your elbow my friend... |
My thanks..
Written by gerardconnolly (1186 comments posted) 10th April 2006 |
Thank you Chris, Mrs B, Woody for your kind words. It's good to get a sensible and measured reaction to a piece I thought a while about before I posted it. The theme is wearily predictable an maybe even vacuous laughter is a valid response.
You are, of course right, and I am still not sure to what extent it constitutes a funny script. I flatter myself that it might be an illustration of the old cliche that humour and tragedy are two side of the same coin. Whatever. On a further note I am told Roddy Doyle, whose work I admire enormously, once said that he was always amazed at the extent to which his wrtiting in a deliberate Irish idiom aroused discomfort and even incomprehension in the wider public. Mmmmmm. I'm not sure I care for the inference of that if it's what I think it is. Though, frankly, I should hardly be surprised.
Again many thanks to you.
Slainte! |
Sick
Written by gwynn1970 (109 comments posted) 11th April 2006 |
I must have missed this one. I hardly think to write about a chuckle brother being bummed by a kray twin counts as comedy. You should remember 13 year old can join this site and arse stabbing should not be encouraged until you are 16!
I know I did one about swearing, but at least I put stars in place of 'uc' when I wrote the F word.
Gwynn
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Tredeagar URC Chapel Sermon
Written by gerardconnolly (1186 comments posted) 11th April 2006 |
I am unsure which piece you have been reading but I assume it is the one above as an element of your review appears to relate to it. I have no idea whence the rest comes.
It is a shame you are put off by bad language which suggests to me you are either on the wrong site or in the wrong game; or both. I think it is time to concentrate on the scripting skills of individuals which is what this site does best and leave aside attempting to provoke.
My compliments to you. |
At first I was confused
Written by gwynn1970 (109 comments posted) 12th April 2006 |
Ahh. Yes. Now I see what's happened here I thought I had been reading the chuckle brothers story not the Irish story but now I see where I've gone wrong. I think I must have read the chuckle brothers story before this one and thought I was still there.
Now I see the mistake I think it's very amusing. Also I don't mind swearing as long as people use stars to hide the swearing bits of the words.
Gwynn
XX
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Least said Soonest Mended.
Written by gerardconnolly (1186 comments posted) 12th April 2006 |
There you are you see. A moment's reflection stems a lifetime's reaction.
Slainte! |
Dia Duit! Ca bhuil e...
Written by Nearlypastit (50 comments posted) 12th April 2006 |
Gerard?
Why are you sparing with these people?
If a piece is written for peformance, (though this I feel is classic RTE radio material) then that's the best way to go public with it, not a web forum.
Just a thought but why don't you get this sort of material on a read-through at the local am dram theatre.
Slan agat |
Point Taken.
Written by gerardconnolly (1186 comments posted) 13th April 2006 |
Thanks NPI, You are right , of course.
I have worked for RTE through Black Shamrock and while they pay well [and promptly ] there is always a slight unease with material from a conflict so many of the now prosperous Irish of the South consider something of a growing embarrasment. That plus RTE's fabled illiberalism in respect of anything akin to what might be called ' bad language'. 'Keep it decent the Pope's listening' may sound a joke but the joke is often on the scriptwriter. The ghost of Dave Allen still haunts them.
That said, since I write almost totally from the spoken word, professional outlets are limited. I use the site for guaging reaction to ideas and looking at thing in print [for free]. I would love to help the am/drams to help me but I really do need to get paid!!
Many thanks for you kind advice.
Slainte! |
Hello GC
Written by BrianRobertNeal (1195 comments posted) 13th April 2006 |
You asked, so don't shout at me.
The piece is written to be orated and heard rather than read. If, as I am, one is not familiar with the dialect, it is difficult to read. I could not follow some of the allusions.
"ten pints o' treacle plain"
I also had no idea who Denis Donaldson was. This wouldn't have mattered if he was fictional but your intro gave the impression that he had been a real person. If so, then some of the irony may well have been lost on me.
In principle taking an horrific reality and then staging it in an Irish Keystone Cops setting is a difficult trick to pull off. I think you have but it is a little on the long side and could be sharper.
It's not the best of yours that I've read to date. However the approach is spot on.
Finally it will really depend on who your audience is. Niche market Irish and your reader will follow you. If it is for a much broader readership then you might have to soften the dialect and be a little less "obscure".
I've read a piece and it could be yours where a woman is phoning the IRA help line. It runs along the same lines as this piece but it is more accesible to the non-Irish.
Now for your penance, I would be grateful if you could read Mea Morphic-I've got a feeling you'll hate it. It's on Sci-Fi. I'm always trying new approaches and subject matter and hardly ever pull it off,
Brian.
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Ian Paisley
Written by paulwalker (42 comments posted) 13th April 2006 |
Regarding Bryans comments Gerard, they are similar to the point i was trying to make. Your writing is a bit too exclusive, like a very 'in' joke. In addition aside from the phonetics and use of localised dialect you bombard the reader on occaision, making it tricky to comprehend.
Why a grown man would get so upset from this type of comment i dont know. You clearly rate yourself, but come on..!
It is also possibly relevant to add that my mother is from Belfast, as are all her side of the family. My uncle did two years for suspected connections, if you get my meaning. Not that i condone that in any way, but you are not the only person who is familiar, or indeed connected with Ireland.
Stop larging it.
Word. |
Quick on the draw...
Written by gerardconnolly (1186 comments posted) 14th April 2006 |
Thanks Brian. I have to say I was unprepared for so swift, shrewd and comprehensive a respose. Much of which I agree with. You deserve the courtesy of a detailed rejoinder and I will certainly have a good look at Morph, which on the face of a quick scan strikes me as a teasing and intriguing piece. But then I seem to like most of what you write which is why I asked you in the first place. I am away for Easter but as soon as I am back I will give consideration you both your posts and reply in detail.
Thanks again.
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Ian Paisley 2
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3590 comments posted) 14th April 2006 |
| Now, Ian Paisley really does wear Zany ties! Or is it Ian Zany wearing Paisley ties. I'll have to leave the politics to you boys. |
As promised....
Written by gerardconnolly (1186 comments posted) 17th April 2006 |
Thank you Brian and to you Ms Milkbottle. I have left you both reviews on Morph and Soap respectively.
I do concur with you, Brian, that the above piece is not for the faint hearted and you are surely right to draw comparisons of access with my IRA Helpline.
In my defence I would add that I do inhabit a niche market from whence most of my income comes. And while I take on board your point, I have never felt it wise to adapt or even explain in this context; fundementally for fear of patronising the reader.Put another way, sometimes, --intriguingly as you yourself have done with Me Morphic-- the writer has a right to require the reader to work and use their inteligence. As you quite correctly infer, the problem arises when they either can't; or worse, have none. This said the above is never intended for mass readership but I will bear in mind your remarks when I take it to syndication'. Thanks again, and for calling in on poor Iheoma.
Slainte! |
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