|
By racerx74
|
|
10 April 2006 |
I wrote this ten years ago and have just recently renewed my interest in writing. I don't have any formal training in writing so please keep that in mind when reading this. My technical skills are definately not perfect but I hope you enjoy it anyways. When I found you your wings were broken. Your feathers were torn and tarnished by the elements. You had barely begun flying when the hard cold wind of the world had blown you down.
I could see the pain and hurting in your eyes. And even though death was inevitable you still fought. Many times you struggled to your feet and tried to fly away. But each time you fell, becoming weaker and weaker. And when I looked upon you I did not notice the broken feathers or the dark mud slewn across your body. What I did see was one of Gods most beautiful creations; something I had never even paid attention to before but now found irresistible.
At that moment I looked into your eyes and I saw your heart talking to your soul. It was pleading with it to not leave. And as your soul drifted farther and farther away your heart began beating faster and harder, it started screaming. Your heart was frantically beating out its code, begging for another chance to live, another chance to love.
Seeing all this I had no choice but to pull you up and out of the mud. As I cupped my hands around you, caressing your worn feathers into place, you looked into my eyes with wonder and fear.
I held you under my jacket to protect you from the harsh weather. And as you lay there warming yourself against my chest, you listened to my heart beat as yours drifted away. |
very evocative
Written by Bagheera (683 comments posted) 9th April 2006 | short and powerful.
If it has a fault, the fact that you use a lot of VERY short sentences makes it read a bit "staccato" (for me, at least!  ) and you might get a better, more 'dlowing' effect if you combine some (not necc. ALL) into longer sentences - for example, gramatically you shoudn't START a sentence with conjunctions such as "and" or "but".
This has to be based on a personal experience - am I right? | grrrrrrrrrrrrrr !!
Written by Bagheera (683 comments posted) 9th April 2006 | for "dlowing" read "flowing"
 Hate it when I miss a 'proofie' and spot it as soon as I've posted (but too late to correct it!!) | Thanks
Written by racerx74 (3 comments posted) 10th April 2006 | | I appreciate the feedback. It was loosely based on a girlfriend at the time and has a lot of meaning to me. I will look at it again and maybe I can come up with an improved revision of my old work. Thank you again, I always like to get feedback from others. |
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3457 comments posted) 10th April 2006 | | Just read this and as well as being a powerful and moving story in it's own right. It has a wider universal theme that almost anyone can pick up on and refer something of their own life to. O.K your technical skills could improve, but that can be learned. The former albility is something you have or don't have and you obviously have that talent. Good Story |
Written by B.D. (82 comments posted) 1st June 2006 | | I agree with BBS. It's a wonderful story and anyone can identify with it. Great work!! |
Only registered users can rate and write comments.
Please login or register. Powered by AkoComment 2.0! |
Previous item
