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Poetry


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Not Today

By Noman

10 April 2006

Not Today
I don't feel well
Nothing's wrong
It's just
Nothing's right
Either

No there's
Nothing you can do
I'm sorry I'm
Not more
Available to you
Neither

Dancing clowns
Nor singing sopranos
Startling sunsets
Nor suffocating storms
Hallelujahing heavens
Change me

Reviews

Written by Nance (86 comments posted) 10th April 2006

It's something pretty nice, I regard it's difficult to construct a short work and to put there all you intended to do. For me your poem has deep sense. Thank you.

Written by amboline (183 comments posted) 12th April 2006

I like verse 3 a lot (although I think I'd change the "nor"s, they're a bit confusing - perhaps use "No dancing clowns / or singing sopranos") - there are some great vivid images in here, and the last line is very strong. Have to admit I'm not sure about verses 1 and 2, they're very abstract and don't really seem to go anywhere; compared with the power of verse 3 they seem rather weak and just a bit too self-pitying.

Good effort at condensing a lot of sentiment into a few short lines though. Keep going with the editing pen

!!
Written by no1butClo (337 comments posted) 25th April 2006

oh my goodness, you remind me of a friend of mine so much in this poem!

one thing, 'Hallelujahing heavens' wah! too much wordiness. just hallelujah would do the trick, and leave more impact for the end, so it has a double meaning as a plea?

i feel like such a hypocrite now cause i always hate suggestions from other people, grateful for the reviews as i eternally am...

waffling now, thank's for ur review
:grin

x ciao x

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