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By zarah
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16 March 2010 |
6 yr old Sweetie hardly gets something to write in her daily dairy. But today is different, she is happy to have a day to write.
Daddy told me yesterday, if I stay with him, I would get a new mom and a sister too. Nanny made my favorite bacon and egg. I ate till my tummy ached.
Puddle was sad to stay at home. But we can’t take him there. When we reached the street Sid, Mary and David were taking Skipper for a walk. I too wanted to go.
Dad and Mom were waiting for me in the red building.
We all sat in different seats. An uncle talked to Mom and Dad. He made me sit on a cozy chair and gave chocolates. He asked whom I loved the most. I told that I loved both dad and mom.
He asked with whom would I like to stay. I said, with Nanny.
We bought biscuits for Puddle. I had chocolate ice cream from Beaches and Cream. In the evening I played with Teresa. Nanny helped me do my homework. Tomorrow I have school and have to get up early. I am going to sleep.
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Intrigueing story
Written by JamesBrown (39 comments posted) 16th March 2010 | Hi zara
It wasn't until the 2nd paragraph that I realised the slightly shaky writing style was supposed to be Sweetie's. Even the title is cleverly mis-spelt.
That style would have worked much better if it had been more consistently bad but, having said that I loved the sense of a solicitors voice asking her 'with whom would you like to stay(?).
I look forward to more of this...
James | It's difficult
Written by Katanga (4072 comments posted) 16th March 2010 | to tell, for me, whether some of the 'errors' are deliberate or not, given that you're writing in a six-year-old's style.
e.g. 'I wanted to sleep for sometime'
Is that deliberately naive, or did you mean 'some time'?
I think there's a problem with 'authenticity' here - the mistakes are fine if they are the child's, confusing if they are yours.
The use of 'whom' - what six-year-old child would write,
'He asked whom I loved the most . . . ' or 'He asked with whom I would like to stay.'?
Maybe I've got it wrong, but for me It needs either an authentic child's style or an adult one, but not a mixture as I think you have here.
John
| Thanks John $ James
Written by zarah (31 comments posted) 17th March 2010 | Thks a lot for comments from both of you. Glad you found time to read it. I just wanted to go through the mental state of a child in such a situation. But I think a 6 yr old can't in take it wholly.
John I will try to keep away mistakes further. Here I avoided proof reads, as I may have changed it to an adult one. If you find it a mixture of two I am sorry.
zarah. |
Written by wendycat (2180 comments posted) 17th March 2010 | I agree somewhat with both the above points, I think the child's voice is not entirely authentic, it doesn't quite ring true, but it is a very difficult style to pull off.
having said that I like the idea and it's an interesting perspective to take something that s so emotionally weighted in later life and draw it from the childs view.
Wendy |
Written by zarah (31 comments posted) 17th March 2010 | thx wendy for your comments. Will take care in future.
The child couldn't get the actual seriousness involved in the issue. I wanted to show this off.
zarah. |
Written by remoh (104 comments posted) 17th March 2010 | I liked this a lot zarah...i do believe that some 6 year olds can write in a bit mature way... u dont necessarily have to make them talk in a conventional kid's tone. u just chose sweeties voice to be a bit more smart. and that is ur choice...
but even if smart , a child's heart shud be pure and wudnt necessarily know wat is really going on...and in that aspect u did very well... the kid was observing the ongoing divorce and was talking abt eating ice cream with same enthusiasm...
u didnt try to make it emotional in the end...u ended the proceedings with a subtle tone which made the short even more effective...i hv read ur previous works and i can very safely say that this is the best one yet....
cheers
regards
remoh
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