This piece was born out of a trip to Rome recently, the joy of which was only marred by having my wallet stolen on the underground Metro.
The scene is the Housing Benefit reception desk at the local Council Offices.
Woman (stony-faced and just visible behind reinforced steel mesh)...Yes
Myself... I wonder if you could help me I`ve had-
Woman...Speak up I can`t hear you.
Myself..Oh sorry(leaning closer to grill) I`ve had my wallet stolen in Ulan Bator and I was wondering if you could replace my bus pass.
Woman..What county?
Myself...I`m sorry?
Woman(deep sigh rolling of tongue round mouth)..Ulan Bator..what county.
Myself..Oh I see..no it`s not actually in any county.
Woman...What do you mean it isn`t in a county..everywhere`s got a county.
Myself...No..sorry..look Ulan Bator, it`s abroad..Mongolia.
Woman...Mongolia! Are you a council house tenant?
Myself...Well no..does that matter?
Woman..Got a Police number?
Myself...A Police number, I don`t quite-
Woman(further deep sighs and shuffling of paperwork) If you reported the theft to the police and they gave you a crime number there`s no charge- otherwise it`s five pounds.
Myself...Right..well no there weren`t any police out on the Plain.
Woman...I thought you said your wallet was stolen in this Mongolia place.
Myself..Yes that`s right it was.
Woman...Then what`s all this about the Plane.
Myself(executing forced smile)..NO..no..when I said Plain I meant the Savana.
Woman..Savana?
Myself... Yes you know..a bit like the Derbyshire Peaks, only bigger.
Woman...Can`t stand the countryside, all them cow pats and smell of wet sheep.
Myself (now looking furtively at my watch)..Five pounds you say.
Woman..S`right
(I hand over money) Now if you could just let me have the new pass please.
Woman...You`ll need a photograph..............
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Hi Woody...
Written by gerardconnolly (1186 comments posted) 11th April 2006 |
Nice try, Woody. There's so much you could do with this. I certainly like the idea. My instinct is to urge you to introduce some out of dialogue variety--such as accents- or an ongoing distraction via such as a queue. That way it will begin to develop itself and like all good gags take on a life of its own. You of all people should have no problem with accents after all you are the author of a good line in Alan Bennett. Also I tend to think you are a better storyline writer than a gags man.
slainte!
PS I noticed your request attached to The Village piece. I would rather reply by PM for obvious reasons. Aso I should send a note to Bagheera on the same subject.
By the way did you look at Iheoma's Pastor Saul? That's a classy bit of business. Let me know what you think. You should possibly be expending your talents on something akin to that. |
mind your language
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3288 comments posted) 11th April 2006 |
Personally I think you would have a better chance of being understood in Mongolia than at the council offices! I recently had to go to mine with an unusual query and it was scarily like your sketch, I'd have been better off with a couple of semaphore flags. I really like this sort of comedy of misunderstanding but it is very difficult to do,the trouble is it needs to keep on building to avoid repetition. Having said that it was a sharp and witty effort with some laugh out loud moments
"Yes you know..a bit like the Derbyshire Peaks, only bigger".......Oh, yeah,right!
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much appreciated
Written by woody44 (774 comments posted) 11th April 2006 |
Hi Gerard. many thanks for the crit and all point duly taken on board. To be honest this is the first piece of `comedy` writing I have submitted for public consumption and I am the first to admit, `it ain`t easy` I must admit to feeling more at home with storyline writing (I have had about a dozen short stories published in small press magazines so I suppose I must be doing something right).
I will continue with comedy. I love humour and at least on this site I know I will get an honest and helpful opinion from people I respect (most of the time!). As for being a gags man l I have had three `one-liners accepted by greetings card companies over the years (damn good pay too!) so I suppose I am not a totally lost cause. Perhaps that is my trouble. Too much diversivication.|Maybe I should stick to one thing. Enough of this browbeating - a very good evening to you and thanks again...
ps I`ll take a look at Iheoma`s piece and let you know.
happy writing... |
Hello
Written by simon.ward72 (60 comments posted) 12th April 2006 |
Hello there
I would agree with the others, apart from the general frustration of being misunderstood there wasnt much to latch onto, and not a lot in the way of gag attempts.
As Gerard said the scenario offers a lot of potential. The two Ronnies spring to mind.
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Advice
Written by gwynn1970 (109 comments posted) 12th April 2006 |
Hi woody44 I used to have a couple of comedy characters who were very funny I think what you need to do is add a cockney accent to the woman, then she can use rhyming slang this would definitely liven up your piece and make it more amusing.
Even better if the other person didn't understand what word the rhyme replaced. Let me know if you need some examples of rhyming slang because I know quite a few.
Gwynn
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apples and pears
Written by woody44 (774 comments posted) 13th April 2006 |
thanks gwynn. I think the trouble with the piece(apart from it being crap) was my eagerness to get it into the public domain before honing it. It really is nice to see so many helpful comments..a lovely site to waste a morning when I should be wizzing round with a duster and Dyson in preparation for the arrival of our offspring from deepest Devon.
thanks again and happy writing... |
More patience
Written by gwynn1970 (109 comments posted) 18th April 2006 |
I think your eagerness shone through. I used to be like that with my postiigs, but now I take time to read them back carefully and make sure I haven't made any mistakes.
Gwynn
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