Its not meant to rhymn, its just a collection of words that represent what I thought and how I felt, designed to create imagery and tell a truth. I was extremely sad when I wrote it.
This is the second incarnation, changed when I was not so sad but based on feedback, I do think it makes it better.
I have shed more tears, over
For she I loved, in recent time
And her kin who gave so freely.
Even those you work for the best, can come to pass.
The journey began with an embrace, not with this end in mind
For we would never have given so much, which pains me now
Not for the giving, but for the loss.
She is mighty, to be wondered at
Such fortitude, bathing in her glow
But only from below
It is the simple things we all desire, she craves
But from an unsure footing she consumes
Her retribution for the ghosts, has grown
So hurtful, too often
Life unfolds another page, not shiny or new
The glow will live, if only within
A childs small arms will haunt me
But can never leave
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*sniff
Written by shirley_keeldar (67 comments posted) 11th April 2006 |
your sadness comes across for sure...
loved the image of "she is mighty, to be wondered at" is love idolisation? Your idol is "unsure" and "hurtful"; she is a goddess to you and also human, her "small arms will haunt me", an unusual thing to be haunted by but more real because concrete not abstract, and individual.
constructively: i'd leave out the first two lines or incorporate them elsewhere; you said it isnt meant to rhyme (i like that) but pass/best is kind of pseudo-rhyme, as if you'd tried to make it work... "I have shed more tears..etc" is more of a hook - made me want to read on...  |
Thanks for the feedback
Written by johniebg (538 comments posted) 11th April 2006 |
The ''and for he who gave so freely' and 'Small arms will haunt me' were refering to her son. Your spot on about the first two lines, will have a think.
Appreciate you taking the time to give feedback. |
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