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The Easter Bunny - A CHILDREN'S POEM |
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By brook_rivers
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13 April 2006 |
This is my Lazy Writers h/w.
Again I have gone out of my comfort zone attempting a childrens poem, which I have never done before, and its also a rhyming poem, which again I don't usually do!
Of course my inspiration for this one has been Josie's work so thanks to her, this is obviously no where near her standard but I try!
Do you think that the shape of the poem reflects the outline of a bunny???
A child awaits the Easter Bunny
She excitedly cries out:
‘I can see him, he is hopping here Mummy’
And to her Mothers surprise but without a doubt
The Easter Rabbit was making his way
Hopping and falling and looking very funny
Oh what a wonderful sight on this special day
On an Easter weekend when its lovely and sunny
He is a lot bigger than an ordinary rabbit
But just as cute and cuddly, with floppy ears
He makes delivering gifts and chocolates a habit
Like Father Christmas he has been around for many years
Oh how we love the generous Easter Bunny!
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Lovely
Written by Iheoma (20 comments posted) 13th April 2006 | I started of with poems. This is easy and simple. Will need graphics. I liked it.
| Hello Brook Rivers
Written by BrianRobertNeal (1195 comments posted) 13th April 2006 | "Do you think that the shape of the poem reflects the outline of a bunny???"
No, unless the Bunny has got that shape from having eaten GM crops, pesticides and Nitrates.
As Josie might tell you, I run children's poems past my Primary School Teacher Wife.
She believes this poem would have to be aimed at the 6 years and unders. If so
"And to her Mothers surprise but without a doubt"
A child of that age group would not follow that line. Or this one,
"He makes delivering gifts and chocolates a habit"
Writing for kiddies,
is an art that I,
Quite conciously,
away from, shy?
Brian
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Written by brook_rivers (484 comments posted) 14th April 2006 | Thank you both for taking the time to review this poem.
Thanks to Iheoma for your positivity.
thank you Brian for your advice. As I said this is the first time I have written a childrens poem, and I dont usually do rhyming poems either, but I thought a child would respond better to a poem that rhymes. However, this also meant that my words were more constrained. I agree 'habit' may be a bit above the understanding of a six year old but personally I dont think that the other line would be. I will have to try it out on my cousins & see!!
Take your point that childrens literature is not as easy to write as it may first seem
i still think,it may be my eye sight, that if I was able to take a virtual pen the out line would resemble a Rabbit, especially the first stanza as the head? But each to their own!!
Thanks again
x | I think you have formatting problems
Written by amboline (183 comments posted) 14th April 2006 | Did you copy and paste this from Word directly into the GW text editor? Because you've copied across a lot of hidden formatting which (at least when I view this using Internet Explorer) pads ouut the text with a large number of blank lines. So any "shaping" that you may have done to your poem has been lost.
My standard advice in this situation is for people to copy and paste into Notepad first. This removes all the hidden formatting that comes across from programs such as Word. You can then copy and paste from Notepad into the GW text editor, and add any line shaping, bold type or anything else that may be necessary.
As far as the poem goes - good effort, but I think you should pay a bit more attention to the rhythm of your lines. Rhyming poems don't just have to rhyme - they need a consistent rhythm to them, particularly if you're aiming at writing children's verse. The metre in this piece varies quite a bit from line to line, and the result is that the poem feels more jumbled than it actually is. |
Written by jean.day (2279 comments posted) 21st April 2006 | | I think this is not nearly as good as a lot of your other poems. It seemed strained and awkward rather than flowing and natural. But good on you for trying something new. | Bunny
Written by Espiral (44 comments posted) 25th April 2006 | I can see a bunny shape, though the ears are a bit stunted.
I agree with amboline's point about the varying metre, and brian's point about the complicated nature of some of the lines. I would also like to add that they sound more like sentences than lines of a poem. I know you have rhymed some of them, but it doesn't feel rhymed - I think that for a child short, simple and evenly rhymed lines make a much more enjoyable poem.
It's a sweet idea though. | Nice idea...
Written by twriter (117 comments posted) 31st March 2007 | Hi,
I liked the idea of this poem but it did seem forced and I agree about the line changing suggestions.
TW |
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