This is just a bit of nonsense I did for my own amusement, but I thought I’d put it up to provoke a response.
I’ve recently got into soaps and realised they all follow the same pattern and all you need to do is learn the rules to write one. I think I’ve worked out some but if anyone can add any more I’d be grateful. Some of these may be obvious to soap aficionados, or you may disagree.
I’ve also added an introduction to a possible soap for your perusal and excoriating comments
A few ground rules.
Everyone is on first names terms even people who would never normally meet, or even acknowledge each other.
Everyone has an opinion on everyone else
It goes without saying that no-one looks out side the street/square/village/farm for employment or marriage partners.
No- one talks about anything that hasn’t happened in the place. It’s all personal gossip. Wars and elections are ignored in favour of who is boffing who
Every facility is on hand you never have to go outside for anything, whether it’s a taxi or a contract killing.
When a newcomer arrives within 2 weeks everyone knows him/her and their well-kept secret is the talk of the place,
Their front doors are never locked, unless they are being chased, then the door is firmly locked and the key missing
Despite the complex variations of sexual liaisons no one ever has to visit the VD clinic
Women are either stupid or scheming, unless old when they are used for comic affect
And of course the local doctor/business entrepreneur/crime boss are all on hand despite the fact their salaries would enable them to live in the better areas and not drink in the local grimy pub “The Rabid Ox”.
They all spend every spare minute in the pub drinking but no one gets drunk and incoherent.
Every episode must have these two lines:- “Let me get this straight”
& “It’s time to put the past behind us” (duh? It’s already there)
Short memory span: - someone they tried to pole-axe last week they brush past in the pub without noticing this week.
No-one ever watches TV or listens to music. They are either doing something suspicious or shuffling about waiting for the door/phone.
No matter how furious or hate-filled they are they never interrupt the person talking but wait for them to finish and silently take the abuse when it’s their turn.
If you show a wedding it will end in tragedy. .
Everyone shops at the local store but never buys enough to require a carrier bag. Also no-one ever looks at their change
They never have trouble parking outside their house
They have no trouble finding finance to buy half the garage/pub/hairdressers despite the fact they live in rented accommodation and are wanted by the police
There is no happily ever after
No matter what happens, nothing happens You can never have conflict resolution..
OK ……any more for any more?
My soap 1, a work in progress
We meet Wayne Perret, head of the family, a disgraced hod carrier now eking out a living, sticking the nipples on blow up dolls. He harbours a guilty secret about his son, whom he convinced, was diabetic to save on sweets. He doesn’t know that his son is really his brother who thinks his mother is the sister he never had…so he does. The son then finds out she was actually his real father who had a sex change so she could marry his uncle and adopt him. The father has never forgiven him for torching the family business that he won in a card game from the local-secretly gay- mafia boss who let him win to impress the real father who he secretly fancied so was furious about the sex change which caused him to accidentally run over the boys twin sister who had been parading as the adoptive uncle. (stay with me) The father mistakenly accuses the son of the killing; the son reacts by trying to commit suicide by overdosing on pick-n-mix. The father confesses his secret but before the reconciliation, is carted off to prison for dealing in contraband nipples. To get her own back the twin-sister’s lesbian lover goes to work as an undercover agent for Weights and Measures dept. She goes into the Rabid Ox and finds the beer is actually cold tea, and shuts the place down. Immediately all other feuds are forgotten and arm in arm in arm they barricade the pub and spend the night in jolly ribaldry followed by mutual recriminations.
I realise this is a bit simplistic for a soap but if anyone has any ideas to improve it please feel free….. And ,gwynne, before you say it -Yes I know it’s not as good as FYSB nothing else is.
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Written by paulwalker (42 comments posted) 14th April 2006 |
Blondie, firstly although i am flattered to be associated with Givitsum as his work is of a fine standard (and im sure he feels the same about me) we are two very seperate entities.
You covered most of it on this one. Another rule you could add is they never get away with it. Ever. Their secret is always exposed eventually.
They also seem to be able to escape from prison with ease, either this or their sentence for murder is drastically and inexplicably reduced.
Also on the rare occaision they bring in people of ethnic origin they are raving steroetypes. |
Added
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3590 comments posted) 14th April 2006 |
| Thanks for your comments,Paulwalker, I take on board your rules. I should have got the"never get a way with it" and you are sadly right about the stereotyping of ethic origins. I suspect all the writers are white and male! |
Very Funny
Written by givitsum (651 comments posted) 14th April 2006 |
My goodness! Well I was very impressed with that BlondeBobCarolgees! Very witty indeed, and very perceptive.
I do wonder how you managed to miss the legendary line that is invariably inserted into every single episode of Eastenders at least twice? You know the one...
"Wot's that sapparssed to mean?"
I think the soap has potential. Sounds like a small Welsh Rural Village to me.
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unaware
Written by woody44 (777 comments posted) 15th April 2006 |
nicely perceived MsB. There is always the `wot`s goin` on` line which appears several times in each half-hour slot. I know we can be quite disparaging about soaps but I think that Coronation Street is wonderfully written, mixing pathos with humour (This is the only soap I`ll `waste` half an hour on!)
happy writing... |
Few others..
Written by gwynn1970 (109 comments posted) 16th April 2006 |
I also have noticed a few things..
No-one ever gets their anorak cord caught on the handle as they walk through the door.
Nobody ever treads in dog mess.
Nobody ever swears, not even in the pub!
Nobody is ever seen having a crap.
There are others, but these are the ones that stand out to me. Maybe an idea for brookrivers to incorporate a few of these into Fasten Your Seatbelt to make it more realistic.
Gwynn
XX
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Two Sides to this Coin.
Written by gerardconnolly (1186 comments posted) 17th April 2006 |
Hullo Ms Bottleneck.
Well done. I enjoyed reading your bit of fun. Quite witty.
More seriously I cannot recall whether it was to you or some other I mentioned that, an age ago, ' when the earth's dawn was an infant' I worked on Coronation Street. Mind you I was only covering maternity and never got to script independently [though Peter Eckersly said I made the best cup of tea in the studio]. But I was hugely impressed at the professionalism and discipline of the writing team. Some of it may appear trite and the storylines sometimes banal but believe me the crafting that goes on to maintain a major TV soap's credibility and rating is no laughing matter. Woody is right to point this out.
Also soaps have produced some of the best scriptwriters around. When I was at the then Granada TV, two of Coronation St's writers were Paul Abbott and Kay Mellor. It's easy to poke fun at the silliness of soaps and truely some are better than others. But whilest I agree with you regarding the absurd nature of some of their traits, it's not as easy as it seems or as straightforward to reproduce them ourselves. [ As the writers of THE VILLAGE here know only too well!!]
Again well done. |
so perceptive
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3590 comments posted) 17th April 2006 |
| Well done Gwynne, perceptive as ever; don't know how I missed the anorak cord,does that happen to you as well? |
No offence, Gerard
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3590 comments posted) 17th April 2006 |
Thanks for your comments Gerard and I meant no offence to a fine body of talented writers. But as you said
"Some of it may appear trite and the storylines sometimes banal"
It is not their talent I was sending up but their cynical and patronising attitude to the viewer. I am sure they are professional and disciplined writers and I was impressed to find you were involved in the process, not so much your involvement in the writing but to make the best cup of tea, now that is a rare and wonderful gift and as my mother would say "Your place in heaven is assured"
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Written by brook_rivers (486 comments posted) 18th April 2006 |
Your post was amusing and I dont want tp knock it as you do have a certain comical knack but I have to agree with gerard & woody here the process of script writing is not as easy as it may appear to the viewer, a lot of time and effort goes into the process!
Whilst I have to admit you can tell the good script writers from the poor on a show such as corrie many of them are outstanding and have the ability to make viewers laugh/cry & become engaged with the characters.
It also has to be remembered that a soap is not meant to be a reflection of reality but an exaggeration of it. It wouldn't be nearly as interesting or plausible if it was otherwise.
On the other hand traits such as those you have mentioned are easy to spot because there are several dramas/soaps ect trying to compete with each other these days so all is not original and the media especially as ever pick up on these small flaws and criticise them heavily!
You certainly have achieved your aim and provoked a response!
Brook x
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Hello BBS
Written by BrianRobertNeal (1195 comments posted) 18th April 2006 |
Glad I made you feel easterenogy.
Marginal things I would add:-
Nobody seems to cook their own breakfast or lunch during the week, all preferring to go down the cafe.
People leave the show and come back and there is no physical connection between Version 1 and Version 2.
Some do better than Lazarus i.e. come back from the dead without divine intervention.
But my real angst is based on the fact that it is Drama but many believe it to be "real life". Unfortunately Oscar Wilde was correct when he stated that "nature imitated art".
The more the former apes the latter, the more extreme the latter has to become to stand out.
The Killing of Sister George and the marvelous Hancock half hour says everything that needs to be said about soap opera. (And don't forget of course the classic soap, "Soap".)
Brian.
Brian.
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Thanks for the review!
Written by jaydeschizo (2 comments posted) 19th April 2006 |
It could be a great comedy show, though it might be a bit too extreme for a soap, if that's actually possible  .
However the ground rules are a marvelous read, and very true to boot. |
Written by sasquatch (125 comments posted) 21st April 2006 |
Dear Surfing Beetlebonnet
You are a devious genius.
The end.
Sasquatch.
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Spot on!!
Written by SammoR (132 comments posted) 10th May 2006 |
So, so, so true....
I remember (shocking admission follows) watching Family Affairs (defunct five soap)- and noticing that everyone hated Pete Callan - FA's Dirty Den - yet they still drank in his pub.
Also reminds me of a joke that Martin and Sonia on EE are in a bitter courtroom battle - for custody of the scowl!
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Tee-Hee
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3590 comments posted) 10th May 2006 |
Thanks SammoR
Yes I liked that one about Martin and Sonia. It's true they all seem to have one expression regardless of what is happening- that should have been another rule!
Thanks for your comment Sasquatch I've never been called a devious genius before I shall treasure that
BBS |
Written by jean.day (2387 comments posted) 6th June 2006 |
| What a lot of fun I have missed over the months. I think your list of rules is great - and also the additions by everyone else. I must say the thing that annoys me most is that they are forever pouring a drink of tea or opening a bottle of something, or ordering food at the cafe, and then they leave it. Such a waste. Get a doggy bag, I want to shout at them. Or, "Don't waste your money. You know you won't have time to finish that!" |
Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 6th January 2007 |
I just came across this and enjoyed it tremendously. Thank God that someone else notices things like this! I read through all your rules breathlessly and then waited to make my own comment about how soap opera people never have to go to the bathroom, even after drinking all that beer and tea -- only to find that others beat me to it! And the anorak string thing as well as the stepping in of dog-do -- glad to know that I am not the only unlucky klutz who manages to do these an untoward number of times in a week. Certainly enough that I would want to script it in myself if I were ever given half a chance. As for the doggy bags, Jean and I have a lot in common. I cannot bear the waste that you see on TV -- gallons of wine, platefuls of food, enough tea and coffee to sink a battleship. Just thrown away! Perhaps that is why I stopped watching.
One thing I remember about American soaps: the people are almost always beautiful. No warts, no zits, no pot bellies or double chins, unless they are on comfortable older women with maternal ways about them. And everyone is flawlessly dressed, unless they are obvious scum-bags, and no one seems to shop at thrift stores. |
Written by Livinginanattic (473 comments posted) 26th April 2007 |
Hello Blonde Surfer of the Cyberwaves, I was looking through the archives and found this. Got totally lost by the ins and outs of your plot but still very funny and I enjoyed reading the ground rules. This has given me an idea...
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