A brief rape of history.

In one of my many previous lives a funny thing happened. Well, it wasn’t funny at the time. But I can always laugh about these things a life or two later.
So anyway, I was in the service of King Louie the twelfth or thirteenth or something like that. I’ve never been good with numbers. I was a member of the personal guard, that’s like a soldier but with a much cooler outfit. About half the army at the time was a personal guard of the king, but I digress. The king had summoned me to him. And what the king said you did. He was like the Son of God just a hell of a lot richer.

A wave of amazement washed over me as I entered the throne room. I still get shivers down my spine just thinking about it. It was big, really big, really unearthly big. The walls were plastered with gold and silver. Seven massive golden chandeliers lighted the hall.

I walked up to the throne. Kneeled down, bowed my head and waited for the king to make his request. ‘Have you heard of the Crips?’ asked the king. ‘No, sire’ I answered, but of course I knew who the Crips were. Every Parisian knew who the Crips were. ‘Still, I want you to find their leader’ he said ‘and ask him why he wants to disgrace me as much as he does’. ‘That is my wish’ he declared.

The Crips were known as a dangerous gang. They openly mocked the king by making highly embarrassing mural paintings. Most of which portrayed the king in various venereal positions with animals.

I decided that the blind guy was probably the worst place to start looking, so I asked the deaf guy if he knew anything. But he said he hadn’t heard of them lately so I ended up going to the blind guy anyway.  He hadn’t seen them for quite a while either. But he said they were probably laying low in the Estonian part of the city. Since even the constabulary did not dare to show their faces in there without the army.

There I was on the wrong side of the mote. Looking at the complete desolation, which was more commonly known as the Estonian quarter. It was filled to the brim with Estonian barbers. Most of them fled their country because of the brutal hair-tax.

There were a lot of barbershops in the Estonian quarter. But I wasn’t looking for a haircut. I was looking for information. So I searched for a Starbucks café. It took me quite some time to find one, just over fifteen minutes.

As I walked in nearly all the heads turned to look at me. I wondered if there was something between my teeth. Or perhaps I shouldn’t have worn my uniform to the Estonian quarter. While I was quietly ordering my café frappe medium light no sugar brewed in moonlight coffee, seven young men walked up to me. ‘Are ye looking fer trouble GI Joe?’ asked the shortest one with a rather cheeky grin. ‘No’ I answered perhaps somewhat too nervously ‘I’m looking for the leader of the Crips. ‘So ya are looking fer trouble’ roared the young lad to the left of the short guy ‘well you’ve found it’. They all drew their sables, while I whipped out my epee.

The tallest one was rather ugly, his face seemed to be carved out of granite by a blind monkey in a coca plantation. His voice didn’t do much to increase his appeal either it seemed more of a dog’s voice than a human’s. ‘So what is your business with our leader?’ he barked. ‘I’ve got a few questions for him that’s all’ I answered. ‘So if you could just tell me where I can find this leader of yours I’ll be on my merry way again’ I said. ‘Our leader is hiding out in the basement of the hair studio across the street’ said the tallest one again. ‘But it don’t matter since we’re gonna kill you’ said the shortest one.
They charged at me with their swords drawn, I’m preparing to parry, and in an instant they all keel over and stop moving. And blood started oozing out of their ears. I stood there perplexed. ‘What the… ‘

Then it dawned on me, all seven of them must have had a brain aneurysm at once. The chance of something like that happening was about 2857623478657593486:1. But it went on and happened anyway. Well at least I knew where their leader was. So I went on my jolly way again. Everybody in the coffee shop was still staring at me. What an odd thing to happen, I pondered. But I couldn’t ponder much more, because I was already at the hair studio opposite to the Starbucks.

When I entered an old barber looked at me in a strange manner as well. What is it with these people and their strange stares? ‘whot’s yer business here soldier?’ he said in a low rumbling voice. ‘I’m looking for the basement’ I answered. ‘You don’t wanna go in there’ he said. ‘I think I do’ I responded. He pointed to the veil in the back ‘suit yerself’ he mumbled. I walked to the veil and pulled it aside. There was a winding circular staircase going down. When I looked back the old barber was nowhere to be found.

Torches in brackets lighted the staircase. It was quite creepy. But it was an order of the king, so he’d have me killed if I wouldn’t do it.
The staircase was long and narrow and it was getting warmer. The air was getting more and more humid. About ten minutes later I was standing at the bottom of the staircase. There was a long hallway with a single door at the end of it. I reached for the doorknob. I missed. Not because of the deficient lighting but because the door swayed open quietly and without apparent reason.

The room behind the door was brightly lit, I could, however, not detect any light source. In the back of the room there was something that resembled a glass throne. A young and breathtakingly beautiful young lady was sitting on it. Strange, I had somehow expected it to be a man.

‘So the king has sent you, little soldier’ said the young woman in an ethereal voice. ‘He wants to know why I mock him, doesn’t he?’ she spoke again. I felt a slight shiver of fear running down my spine as I answered her ‘yes, but how do you know?’ ‘There is nothing I do not know’ she answered. I wanted to get out of there as quickly as possible. There was something not quite right in there. So I quickly asked the question I was sent to ask. ‘Because this country does not need a king that does such immoral things with animals’ she answered. ‘So it is all true?’ I asked ’the paintings that is.’ ‘Yes, not one brush stroke of it is lying’ she answered me. ‘Well alrighty then. I’ll be off to tell him’ I said trying to sound lightly. ‘Ok’ she said. ‘Pleasant day’ I called out as I left the room as quickly as humanly possible. ‘The same to you’ ringed her voice as I was running up the staircase.

When I reached the top of the staircase the barber was still nowhere to be found. But I wasn’t fussed. I ran out of the hair studio and out of the Estonian quarter. It wasn’t until I caught a glimpse of the palace that I slowed my pace.
My mission had been accomplished, now I just had to inform the king of my findings. So I went to the palace and was almost immediately allowed to enter the throne room. I walked up to the king and informed him of my findings. The silence that followed seemed everlasting for a second or two.
The thing that happened next caught me by surprise. The king had my head chopped of for being cheeky.

When I was reborn I became a plumber in the service of Queen Victoria.