I see Bullseye is coming back on Challenge TV? Another all-time classic!

Bruce Forsyth's Play Your Race Cards Right

[Huge round of applause, as Brucie enters and takes centre stage. A few cheeky gags, involving Mother-in-laws and fat wives roll out, much to the audiences amusement]

Bruce: [to his lovely assistant Tanya] Now lovely Tanya, bra bursting at the seam, please introduce tonight's first team.

Tanya: [standing beside husband & wife team] Ok Bruce, this is Bob and Jean, and they're from Essex.

[Round of applause from our audience, smiles and token waves from Bob & Jean]

Bruce: Now Bob. Marvellous. As our first contestants, tell us how much you managed to make this week playing your race card, and how did you go about it?

Bob: Not too good actually Bruce. We went to Iran for the week. When we got there, jean was wearing a top cropped at the shoulder, and they told her to cover her arms, [turns to Jean] didn't they love? [Jean nods] We said that our culture doesn't require that, but they told us we weren't in our culture now. Next we wanted to apply for a driving license for Jean, but we were told women can't drive over there, didn't they love? [Jean again nods and takes up the tale] Yes, thats right. We said to them nicely, that where we come from these things are things we takk for granted.

Brucie: And what did they say to that dear?

Jean: Well, they basically said if I don't like it I could bugger off. [Bob butts in] Yes, and when we asked directions to the nearest pub cos we fancied a bacon butty, they nearly hand-cuffed us. We played our race card, and said we wanted our rights, but they just told us that no-one had forced us to come here, we went by our own choice, and if we didn't like anything then it was simple enough to go somewhere else.

Brucie: [Chin at full extension, one hand on hip] Well, that doesn't look like you did too well in the money stakes then. But it's early days. If you two can just stay there, we'll meet our next couple.

Lovely Tanya with lovely hair, please introduce our final pair.

Tanya: Well this is the Nazib brothers, Safraj and Ramal and they come from Rotherham!

Bruce: Marvellous. Now who's gonna tell us how you placed your race card?

Ramal: Well we had an idea a few weeks ago. Safraj waited whilst I was released on parole from my prison sentence for drug dealing..[Bruce cuts in]

Bruce: Drug dealing? Isn't your belief that drugs are evil?

Ramal: Only officially. Anyway, we decided to go out on a long piss up, so we met in the pub about 6pm...

Bruce: 6pm? But surely that would have meant you would miss evening prayer?

Ramal: We were on the piss man! Anyway, after a skin-full, about midnight we were....

Bruce: Hang on! Midnight? Surely that would mean by the next morning you would still have had alcohol in your system? I thought you weren't allowed to pray with alcohol in your system?

Ramal: Yeah, yeah, but I can't remember the last time I went to worship. Oh, I tell a lie, it was when the news cameras came round before the trial I'm about to tell you about. Our lawyer insisted on it for maximum effect.

Brucie: Carry on, carry on..

Ramal: So what happens is, we saw those two famous footballers Lee Bowers and Jonathon Woodbridge with two mates, who weren't famous, and who looked like they didn't have a pot to piss in between them. So anyway, Safraj punched one in the face and we legged it...

Bruce: But isn't unprovoked violence against your beliefs?

Safraj: Only when its suits us. Anyway, they chased us, caught us, and the two factory workers gave me a good hiding. I couldn't run quick cos I was pissed. Anyway, at trial, the two skint lads got locked up but the millionaire Lee Bowers was found not guilty. Anyway, we played the race card, and got 170 grand in a civil suit from the officially innocent millionaire footballer. We didn't bother suing the factory workers who actually did the beating and biting, cos they had no money.

Bruce: Well thats just marvellous, this weeks winners are the Nazibs from Rotherham with 170,000 Pounds.

Join us next week, and remember, Tonights the night, if you play your race cards right!