This was a challenge of sorts. A friend and I decided to each write a poem that started with that opening line, and this is my effort...he'll put me to shame. He tried to read me poetry by the street light.
The orange kind that makes skin seem dirty,
and turns the memories into mugshots, where every face is guilt-ridden.
The words jarred in the night-time silence, and still
the street lamps passed over our heads;
rise...fade...rise...fade...
like the dull pulse of a beast, choking up the stars
and the dark, and the peace, with one filthy paw.
The poem evolved, slowly, into a tale. A story,
told in a cascade of images and issues,
about a sad state of affairs that couldn't resolve itself
because no one really wanted it to.
Each verse ripped through my mind,
dislodging every preconception and security,
forcing re-evaluation
of every topic i'd ever thought mundane, or beneath me.
My shoes rubbed and I kept walking.
He kept reading, so i listened.
And cursed myself for everything i'd ever thought,
every word i'd ever breathed in a lover's ear, or screamed
in the face of fear. Nothing seemed to matter.
On the doorstep, we said goodbye.
As if there were no other words to say.
But there were words to write, I was sure of that. |
Ooh yes. I like this.
Written by amboline (183 comments posted) 19th April 2006 | "Very atmospheric" is such a cliched thing to say in response to a poem, but this did it beautifully. I can just imagine being there with you - you describe things just right, giving snapshots of what's important and letting the reader fill in the rest with imagination (I saw mist creeping up around you as you walked, a sort of hazy film noir scene, almost in sepia!). Verses 1 and 2 are superb, you invest a single lamp-post with a universe of symbolism in lines 2-3!
Verses 3 and 4 were a little bit weaker for me. Verse 3 just seems as if there are too many words in it; you could omit the "narrative" words ("told in", "about") whilst leaving the "snapshot" words intact, and the overall effect would be much crisper:
"...A story,
a cascade of images, issues,
a sad state of affairs that couldn't resolve itself..."
(or similar). "Dislodging", "preconception" and "re-evaluation" in verse 4 are very heavy words; I'm not sure they need to be removed as such, but I think they need to be backed up with much lighter words, so that the sounds of these lines roll much more freely off the tongue. Perhaps just a couple of selective word replacements and a little tinkering with the word order would do the trick.
Verses 5 and 6 are lovely again. If anything, I feel you could make more of verse 5: "everything I'd ever thought / every word I'd ever breathed in a lover's ear, or screamed..." is really the emotional focal point of the poem, and might have more emphasis if you give each of these thoughts a line to themselves. But at this stage, this is just minor polishing. The scene setting is brilliant, the emotion is tightly controlled and hugely resonant without being self-indulgent, and the shape of the poem is perfect. One of your best, and one I could really identify with. | Pseuds Corner? Surely not!
Written by gerardconnolly (1186 comments posted) 19th April 2006 | Sorry. But I have to say that the poem did not pull up any trees in my garden.It's not just that the subject matter can easily look something of a cliche; that needn't matter if the treatment is original. For me it was rather too determinedly 'literary' and I found much of the imagery forced; sometimes to the margins of pretentiousness. I always sense that when the stiching shows, however skillful the seamstress, the garment wil not hang prettily. I am, mind, only one casual observer and others clearly disagree. You may take heart from that which is a fact as opposed to my opinion.
At risk of sounding flippant the subsequent review is clearly a different matter. I think it deserves as much attention as its erstwhile subject.I can imagine as much effort was expended as the poem itself. In many ways a compliment to the poet. But I do wish sometimes reviwers, really good reviewers in this instance, would consider the potential for hilarity generated by literary intensity ' ..you invest a single lampost with a universe of symbolism...' Amboline you cannot have written that with your face straight!! If the poem fails to make the Oxford Book of English Poetry, the review could certainly command respect in Private Eye.
My compliments to you both. | what's wrong with being literary?
Written by GilesLascelle (4 comments posted) 2nd May 2006 | I really don't want my first contribution here to be contentious, but I do wonder why people so often feel the need to criticise something for being literary?
This is a good poem. With some refinements it could be a very good poem. I like the complexity and impressionistic nature of much of the imagery. It has a depth and impacts me on more than one level. I am left with questions; whcih seems to have been the author's intention.
For me it works. Is it literary? Probably. Is it pretentious? Barely raised a blip on my bullshit detector. |
Written by IPFaulkner (83 comments posted) 27th May 2006 | Agree with Gileslascelle. I liked it a lot.
I had the impression too that all the things that seemed important when the poem was being read, the things that changed the world under that light might not seem so important in the morning.
One of those moments when you talk world changing events but from the vantage point of your bed the following day it all seems so silly.
IPF |
Only registered users can rate and write comments.
Please login or register. Powered by AkoComment 2.0! |
Previous item
