Please give as much feedback as you can, thank you.
It was cold out side.
The day the old man died.
He died so peacefully in his sleep,
it made it hard for his widow to weep.
She placed her hand so gently on his, as she whispered,
"I know he is better off now where he is"
She looked up towards to sky and asked,
"God, please take care of my husband untill I die".
"I know I will be up there soon enough,
So save my place next to him, in the world above".
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A reaction Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3331 comments posted) 22nd April 2006 |
| I'm not really a poet but as you asked for comment I'll give you mine. It was a simple but moving piece. The rhyming pattern made me stop and think, but it made me concentrate more on the work (if that was your aim) I personally like poems that rhyme and scan so it wins on all counts You made your point clearly and succintly and i'm sure many a woman has said those very words . |
Written by k_l_a (5 comments posted) 22nd April 2006 |
Thank you very much for your comments, I really do appreciate them alot as I am new to this site, this is my second poem I have submitted on to here. And as a fairly new and young writer I need all the feedback I can get! |
A nice read Written by steve666 (50 comments posted) 22nd April 2006 |
Just a couple of teeny-weeny criticsms! If you are going to write traditional rhyming poetry, i think your verses need to be more similar in their layout. If you imagine it as a song beat, it should sound regular. If you want to do it differently, you could always have your verses alternating - that is, 4 lines, 2 lines, 4 lines, 2 lines. The sentiment and feel of the piece was spot on for its subject matter, so well done. It is also quite a skill to say what you need to in so short a space, so well done again. |
Written by k_l_a (5 comments posted) 6th May 2006 |
| Thank you Steve for your advice, I will remember that and try to work on it! |
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