This was originally posted on Comedy last August. I have reposted it here to see what response it would get.

I've tried a re-title

"No, No, No, No, No, No, George (Flossie to his intimates), had shouted at the gormless, leaden-footed so-called operatic company that he had just watched maul his choreography. However the Company were perfect all rounders, that is they couldn't dance, act or sing. So it wasn't just the dancing that they buggered up. Flossie had long given up hoping that they might occasionally all be in the right key. He had not however given up all hope regarding them starting and finishing at the same time.

If Flossie hadn't needed the money so desperately he would never have agreed to direct a Gilbert and Sullivan variety show! That was how Flossie had described it to his friends. "It's just music hall really", he would continue "Operetta; how they give themselves airs and graces, G+S is no more than threadbare panto with attitude. It should have died with the pathetic Empire that had spawned it."
 

He faced the Company stood in a balletic pose, right leg crossed over in front of the left leg. The foot pointed down, its toes lightly touching the floor, his arms were akimbo and rested on his hips, his head was tilted back and was turned to the right.

"Excuse me, If you don't mind?" asked a middle aged tenor " Now was that "No, No, No, No, No, No or was it No, one beat No, 2 beats No one beat, No etc." cos you like to us get these things right and we don't want to upset you if it can be avoided.

Flossie glared at the man. It had to be him. It was always him. Flossie had nicknamed him Putrid Pain; it was a play on Peter Pan however he had shortened it to PP. Couldn't PP sees how absurd he was? What he might have got away with maybe up to his mid-thirties looked ridiculous now he was in the mid fifties?

But Flossie knew better than to take him on, because PP never lost. Brute force and ignorance always beat artistic elegance in a stand up. So Flossie held his pose but added to it a look of contempt.

PP had then said, "I see your piles are still playing you up, I suggest that we take a fifteen minute break and you could apply some ointment." Most of the company had suppressed their urge to break into laughter but when the lead soprano had erupted into a fit of giggles most could not hold their laughter in.

Flossie shot out of the rehearsal room and went down the stairs and out into the quad that the room's inward face overlooked, The Lead Soprano had followed him. PP had gone out the other door. At the 1^st floor landing the woman had turned and pushed through the landing's double doors and went into the corridor beyond them. Slightly afterwards PP had entered the corridor from the opposite direction. They had passionately embraced.

"Oh well" said PP "You win again Little Elf"

"Yes" she said, "I always do, so once again I go on top."

PP let her win for she loved winning. Furthermore he loved her going on top, she was in charge and got so carried away. He could almost just watch and occasionally touch her gently. He could also last a lot longer than he could in the other positions. However that was well ahead of them and could only be anticipated.

So they then entered the far landing, scampered down the stairs and had gone out into the quad. There was a shabby fenced oblong of bare earth and clover that pretended to be a lawn. Outside it's fence was a paved walkway. Flossie was in the corner that was diagonally opposite to the one in which the man and woman were stood.

A group of apprentices had bustled out into the quad and had stared incredulously at Flossie. They could not believe it, Tight Ski Pants a sequinned top and a headband. He looked like a character out of Little Britain.

A tall fat boy had started it when he'd said to the others "Lets give the Poof a slap, they like that sort of thing". Flossie retreated away from them but then froze. This had happened several times before but the last time had put him in intensive care and had cost him his career as a dancer.

To Flossie's astonishment PP had shouted a string of foul words at the boys and had hurdled the fence and was running towards them. PP stopped and addressed the big fat lad, "I think you're being a naughty boy and you need a little slap" PP was now stood on the lawn just a foot or two away from the fence's corner angle, Flossie was on the other side, cowered into the building's corner. The lads had stopped and had turned toward PP. Five of the seven were slowly backing away but the Fat lad and his mate held their ground.

However when one of the retreating 5 shouted "Come on we'll be late and we'll be black marked, my company fines me if I get a black mark" So off they all went as quickly as they had arrived.

PP clambered the fence and the woman walked round the pathway so the 3 of them were now in the corner furthest away from the rehearsal room. Flossie broke the silence "I suppose thank you will sound a bit limp, nonetheless thank you. I was so frightened. Why did you bother? You put yourself at great risk, if they'd all gone for you, you would not have stood a chance."

PP's answer might have in other circumstances been thought to be offensive, "Alright Flossie, yes I know all about you, so you are a raving Jessie but you're our raving Jessie and if anyone is going to thump you its me, alright. Any way I was not going to climb the fence. I merely tried to distract them to give you a chance to get to safety. I would have really hurt the first one who had tried to climb over the fence to get to me. I have a kick like a Mule. Coming from one of the roughest slums in North London I can ruck when I need to, but yes I'd have hurt 2 or 3 of them but could have ended getting a pasting. I'd gone for the big lad, so when the others fell back I knew I was all right but it could have been a close run thing.

Little Elf looked toward Flossie, "I'm sorry but he just shows one up, these coarse working class boys."

 Flossie interrupted her, "That's why you love him so much, they don't see it but I do, the way you look at him. The way you lightly touch him when you are close. I have re-written my choreography so that you get lots of chances to touch him and he you.

A very relieved Little Elf threw her arms round PP in an embrace that thrust him against the fence: her kiss delicate yet intense corroborated Flossie's statement. They broke apart.

The little woman was shaking, "You could have got badly hurt, and I was about to set off my rape alarm, when thank god they just walked off".

PP lit up a cigarette; Flossie asked if he could have one to calm his nerves. "Where's mine" asked little Elf. The three just stood and smoked.

It was PP's turn to break the silence, "Flossie, we are middle aged, enthusiastic but not very talented"
 

"You speak for yourself" interjected Little Elf.

PP continued, "G+S is move and then sing then move but not unless it cant be avoided the both at once. Also vigorous lifting and shaking of legs threatens the continence of some of the women who have had children. You need to calm it all down, but our entrances and exits are fantastic.
 

Flossie answered "We'll PP, I'll not tell you what it means cos you'd hit me, you are a fraud, the loveable thick barrow boy bit is a front. You've made some good points and I'll bear them in mind. Would you understudy the Tenor lead cos I'm not happy with a 70 year old playing a man in his 30s.

PP replied "Do you think a 50 year old would carry it off any better"
 

Flossie shrugged his shoulders "In all honesty a dead dog would make a better job of it at least they'd have good reason not to have come in on time. And they would never go off in the wrong direction.

Little Elf interrupted "Come on its time we restarted, right on your marks get set go", and she raced off, shouting, "Last one up's the softie." She'd got a head start on the 2 men but as usual had chosen the wrong stairs.

The men had jostled and bumped and though they had taken the shorter route they had slowed each other down. They were like a pair of good-natured schoolboys as they pushed, pulled and baulked in an attempt to get an advantage.

That was why the 3 arrived outside the rehearsal room at about the same moment. PP was leading, but Little Elf rugby tackled him and they fell to the ground, Flossie was slightly behind PP and so tripped over the pair of them and had fallen on top. They got up and giggled.

The company had heard the noise coming from outside but could not work out what was going on. "In we go," said Flossie. The Company were astonished to see the 3 of them come in together in such an affable manner. They were still giggling.

"Right" said Flossie after he'd taken his place facing the Company, "I am going to re-write the choreography it's far too fussy. Lets do some scales and things"

So off they all trilled, most of the company were almost in tune but Flossie couldn't give a damn for he was now hopelessly in love but not with PP. For though PP was no longer the frog that Flossie had considered him to be he had not made the full transition to Prince Charming. However PP now stood for Perky Pete.

No he was head over heals in love with the little woman. He found himself wondering whether she might have any siblings. They could be older or younger than her, he didn't mind as long as they were like her in manner.

Yes he so hoped that she had a brother. Well I mean she was a magical little elf, but not that magical!