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print friendly version
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Wars Reflection Chapter Three |
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By Dragonshadow
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24 April 2006 |
plz leave feed bak Chapter 3 War Affects Everyone
As sun broke through the breaks of the curtain and peeling onto the young princes face he slowly opened his eyes and began to realize that today he would meet his fate, his destiny. And the more he thought about it the more he realized that even though he was to be king he was still just a small, insignificant person. His fate had no moral meaning just to lead others to their death and even possibly his. A loud knock at the door startled Tobias. “Tobias, are you awake, it is time for the ceremonies to begin but King Senka would like to see you first,” said the maid as she slipped quietly in the door. “Quickly now” and she slipped right back out. What could he possibly want to see me about, thought Tobias, the ceremonies is simple read from the book of sermons, have the blood of my father smeared across my face and walk through the city. As he walked through the corridors the possibilities ran through his mind. But they all came back to the question of why. He finally reached the doorway of his father’s room. And as he slowly put his hand up to knock his father, feeling that there was someone there, said “Come in”. Tobias opened the door and saw his father sitting there. “Good morning my son, how are you feeling”, “nervous” and as hard as he tried to sound natural there was something just not right in the air. “ I just thought that we should spend a little moment before you become my king, and to give you some advice about the upcoming of your ceremony” his father said. “Ok then, father” “Well one thing i thought i should tell you about is that when you read out of the book it is an ancient language you will not be able to understand” advised Senka. “Oh so its a lost language” “Well yes but now you better get dressed into the ancient garments all of your ancestors wore” and Tobias’ father walked to the cupboard and drew out gold robes and a crown with a central ruby. “Take these and be ready for the ceremony” “Thankyou Father” and he left the room. Wow these are very heavy, I wonder if it is real gold? Thought Tobias and he quickly returned to his room to get changed. He then slowly crept up a never-ending staircase to the balcony over his city, his kingdom, all his.
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Crowds started to gather and the armies were already kneeling off to a side. He found the place of which he was to stand, to the right of The Book Of Sermons. His father would stand to the left. When all the people from the city were here the trumpets blew, Senka walked out and everyone kneeled. “Today we celebrate the becoming of our new king Tobias!” boomed Senka. Cheers came from every direction. Tobias walked to the centre of the book and slowly talked from the book. “Akama dis cloresti oklser penrith weismer thgil krad reverof” shouted Tobias. I wonder what it means, but the language is so different. Then Senka turned towards Tobias and cut his wrists. He then let the blood pour down onto Tobias’ head. “It is done!” Senka yelled vigorously. “Son u may now march through the city alone as you have never done before because today you have become a man” proudly announced Senka. He then kneeled before the king. As Tobias walked outside the gates everyone kneeled. Wow maybe war isn’t so bad he thought. But as he continued on there were more people but less bowed. Most of them were doubled over in the streets. He continued through the alleyways hoping it would get better but it got worse. There were fire-burning, people homeless and they were eating rats. How could a war thousands of miles away affect all these people, I must help them, I must end this war and i will stop those evil creatures who brought war upon my people. Tobias thought hatefully and he made his way back to his peaceful, comfortable home.|
Interesting
Written by johniebg (538 comments posted) 13th May 2006 | Well as you had no reviews I thought I would have a read. Love the login name by the way and despite the honest comments below I thought the whole was good.
First, I think the main reason why you have no reviews is because of the layout of the text.
Its basically bold, so in the readers face and exists entirely in two paragraphs. I worked hard at understanding the vocal from descriptive.
I like the premise. I think if you actually formatted the text as maybe you would expect to see in a book you would see for yourself the occassionaly moments when the description is awkward but on the whole its a good story, just needs a bit of editing. Which is always a pain if your writing by yourself.
Did the father really cut his wrists, like commit suicide in handing over the role of king, if so you would want a moment where he slumps to the ground or something so the reader understands. The blood is a good image but you dont give us the impact to the new king i.e. tasting it on his lips, it running warm over his face.
I didnt get the tension in his fathers chamber either, is this because the king knew he was handing over a nation in calamity? Were people on the roadside actually knawing at rats or for instance could you have described them being caught or just hanging outside shop windows freshly cooked??
These are the things that stuck in my mind when I was reading that slowed the pace, all that said you had me hooked. I had to resist skipping to the end to see what the punchline was going to be, and that cant be a bad thing. I am also a fan of stuff like lord of rings and elric of melnibone etc which initially this put me in mind of (i think maybe the login name got me there though).
I look forward to reading evolved writing mr dragonshadow.
Keep going. |
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