Cataclysm
 
Kaleidoscope
 
My mind dizzes and spills

No drugs here, just deep, open thought
 



Anxiety grips my throat, breathless, my chest flutters and tingles
 
Have I been holding my breath again, without realising? So lost in cosmic contemplations as to starve my body of vital air?

And now, I come to write.

I knew I had to or I would lose this moment for ever. Missed, it would mount the spiral, recycled through the soft rotting humus of my thoughts to be reborn some time in the future, exposing itself as another facet for my contemplation.

I am struck by the feeling if I don't catch this moment now, the next time I see this question phrased, I will have missed some vital piece of knowledge, my moment will have passed, I will have failed in my mission.

Am I mad? Are these the ranting delusions of a lost soul, craving importance, necessity, purpose?

I am a creature driven by a need for meaning, the need to fulfil some great purpose of creation wide importance. When I have completed my work, the ripples will reach to every part of the All. Thus, I envision my importance.

Yet in this lifetime, I keep myself small, useless, at the bottom of the pile. No job, mentally ill, living in a bedsit smaller than a changing room. A writer's garret, where I dream of my cosmic usefulness and think it all through. That is my purpose, to allow the questions to be asked and considered, the big questions.

My latest consideration: when human beings stop existing so indivually and recognise that as a group we are a super-organism, like army ants. The bad things that are happening, the deaths, the illness, the starvation, the disorder and the people that we give the responsibility for them to, these allow us to package our bad feelings as belonging to someone else.

Yet if we were to own our part in their creation, we could integrate them into our selves and change them. This isn't making much sense, because I haven't yet got all the words that I need to explain the movements and images of my thoughts. I can't explain yet because I am ashamed to tell you where my thoughts came from, my lips are sealed and will not open at my command.

How can I explain what I learnt from 18 months daily attendance at a therapeutic community, learning how to understand the power of the group in how we as humans behave.

I am exhausted, I am spent, I can no longer express what I need to. I need to stop now. Reflect. Gather my energies for another day.

Until we meet again, may God hold you in the hollow of his hand.