SCENE . MATCH OF THE DAY STUDIO. THEME MUSIC. FOUR BARS AND HALT .DRONE LIKE FAILING TAPE. REPLACE BY NATIONAL ANTHEM. ONE VERSE. FOCUS GARY LINEKER. CUT TO:


Gary. As many of you will be aware from reading today's press, the FA's decision to appoint The Queen as the new England manager has given a whole new meaning to the term State Coach and taken everyone by surprise. Brian Barwick, speaking from the FA's headqurters in Soho Square, has justified the move by stating ' OK she knows FA about football, but then neither do we and we are the FA!! Anyway at least she is English!.......Well, mostly. '
We've sent Garth Crooks round to the Palace, Buckingham that is not Crystal, to find out more.

CUT TO THRONE ROOM AT BUCKINGHAM PALACE. HM the Queen is sat in a tracksuit emblazoned ER [ 'Erry Redknapp ].  Behind her is a screen bearing the logos of the usual match day sponsors: GORDON'S GIN; THE FIELD SPORTS ASSOCIATION ; GUIDE DOGS FOR THE BILND; ALTZHIMER'S SOCIETY. THE MATCH BALL SPONSOR IS BURKE'S PEERAGE. On close up The Queen really does seem oddly to resemble Harry Redknapp in a tiara.

Garth. Congratulations Your Magesty on your appointment. You must be very pleased to have found a useful role at last.

Queen. Yaaa Kushdie, Johno! One is well chuffed. Well chuffed, my son. Better late than never.

Garth. Er........Some people are asking what you actually know about football?

Queen. Game o' two 'arfs, Johno. Like life, innit. First off One's sick as a parrott. Next fing One knows, One's over th' friggin' moon! I ask One!? Alf Ramsey or what?

Garth. Alf bleedin' Garnet more like.

Queen. Oi, One! Watch One's lip!! Cheeky little sambo!! Mind One! Funny ol' game. T' win one's gonna need t' score more the th' other bastards. Right? An' f' that , my son, One's needs th' ball. One knows the ball? Fick skin, full o' wind. Feck all use f' nuffin' but bootin' about. Bit like One's ol' Man, Pip th' bleedin' Greek. Possession, my son. It's all about possession.

Garth. You know all about keeping possession?

Queen. Too bleedin' right One does! Twenty four friggin' homes an' four billion knicker stashed away!!?? One's 'avin a larf! Possession?! Quality, my son. No smartarse Paul Anka can teach me nuffin' about possession, Johno!

Garth.It's Garth by the way.

Queen. Whatever, sunshine. Whatever. All yous colonial wogs looks th' same t' me.

Garth. I know just what you mean. I thought you was Gabby Logan. Now let's talk about the team. The word is you're out to make some changes to the squad?

Queen. Yaaa. Bit o' duckin' an divin', my son. First off any gobby littl' D'Oyly Carte what's not bin t' Eaton's straight out on 'is Whitehall Farce. Get One's patter, Tonto? Need th' diamond geezers f' this blagh. One's talkin' pucker nobs, my son. So straight up, new strip! Full mornin' dress! An' while One's at it, One can junk them three bleedin' lions pronto! Three Corgis!! Rampant!! 

Garth. And what about that dog eared excuse for a mascot?

Queen. You leave my daughter out o' this! Mouthy littl' David Platt!

Garth. Speaking of family, there's a lot of controversy over your deciding to play Prince Edward and Prince Harry as you strike pair. Does that mean you are going for an all out attacking formation?

Queen. Naaa. Leave it out, Tonto. Jordan formation, my son.

Garth. Eh?

Queen. Two big tits up front.

Garth. And you'll stick with that for the French game? That's looking a real needle match!

Queen. Yaaa, my son. One's lads rolled last time. Showed 'em who was gaffer good they did. So this time theys gonna be up f' revenge. 

Garth. For Wembly.

Queen. Agincourt. Poncy bastards never got over us turnin' 'em over on their manor.
Typical nancy boy frogs. Give 'em  th' ol' bows an' arrows through th' midfield, and theys goin' down like Jacques Cousteau. Tactics!? Roofless my son. Roofless. One sez t' One's spearmen, 'Get inside th' poxy buggers an'get busy up th' jackzie', right Johno. Then One's givin' th' word t' One's big number three, Randy Andy. One sez ' In there wi' th'  ol' secret weapon an' start puttin' it about. Lova duck!! Would One Adam an' Eve it!!! Dozey runt goes awol down some night club an' pulls a load o' posh totty!!  One sez you right royal plonker!! One's talkin' a spot o' th' ol' studs through th' tutu. ' Course One's got t' rest 'im  now 'cause he's too shagged out t' lick stamps.

Garth. Fascinating. I hear you watched that game with Arsene Wenger. Did he offer you any advice?

Queen. Advice!? Leave it out will One! One's windin' One up, my son. Seventy thousand killed in th' first arf alone, an' th' daft ape runt sez he didn't see a thing!! Specsavers or what !!?  They should make 'im Prime Minister! 

Garth. Talking of your son, I see you have named Prince Charles as you Number Two.

Queen. Too bleedin' right One 'as, Kimo Sabi! Any barmy tosser what goes around talkin; t' friggin' cabbages an' then goes off an' weds one has got t' be a perfect contender t' take my place!!........


PAN OUT TO MUSIC. PRINCE PHILLIP GOT UP IN DRAG AS MARIE LLOYD BELTING OUT ' MY OL' DUCH '!.....

CUT TO GARTH He smiles as a warm feeling begins to envelop him. Patriotism? Sadly not. He looks down to see the two Corgis, Chas an' Dave have pissed in his turn ups.