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Have you seen this Octopus?-Minor re-write.

By BrianRobertNeal

27 April 2006

One of my ultra-short stories.

Have you seen this Octopus?

I remember buying the toy. Its bright cheeky smile was so like my youngest son’s cheery grin. It was bought as a stocking filler and he loved it. He’d put it on his head and shout “funny hat”. He became hysterical when it fell off..

When you squeeze the Octopus it plays “Row, row, row the boat”. By touching each of its tentacles you can play a natural octave. I wrote a silly song: -

Buy a blue toy octopus,
Such Octopi are fun,
Unlike Doggies,
They never bite your bum!

That was eight Xmas’s ago. This year my son’s school felt that a Nativity Play might upset some children so instead they were to have a “Winter’s Fun Show”. My son decided he would do a Police Five spoof about a missing Octopus. So I photographed the Octopus, printed it out and put it on the toy. I then photographed it again. The resultant photograph looked as though the octopus was holding the original photograph in its tentacles.

The script for the spoof started “Have you seen this Octopus.”

I paused and looked across the Police Five Studio. I could see in a monitor the screen go into auto-dissolve, as the image of the Octopus was replaced by that of a 10 year boy. I continued, “If so you may have seen the little boy now showing on the screen. The Octopus was in his school bag at the time he disappeared."

I stood up and strode silently across the studio. When I reached the exit door; I turned and looked at the photo-montage behind the table that I had been sat at. It might be a reflection of my state of mind, but I am sure that the Octopus bearing the photograph, was crying.

Reviews

Cool
Written by steve666 (50 comments posted) 27th April 2006

Short, sweet, complete.
Great work.

Thanks Steve
Written by BrianRobertNeal (1195 comments posted) 27th April 2006

Now my youngest is 21 I can relax. But the thought of losing a child is the one thing I could have never have survived.

Though I wrote it, the piece still makes very emotional.

Brian.

i'm a little dense, but...
Written by robokent (84 comments posted) 28th April 2006

...after a couple of reads, I got the piece. Wow, very well done.

I liked the little nuances you pulled off in the short work: the comment about the nativity play being replaced by the 'winter fun show', for example.

Re-reading it, I see how the octopus is really any parent, who maybe never has enough arms to hug his/her child with, always wanting to keep that child tightly within their folds... great imagery...

Emotional
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3590 comments posted) 28th April 2006

I must say no parent could read this without getting a little lump in the throat. You say so much in so few words. Just wanted to say I loved it
BBS

Thanks Rob+BBS
Written by BrianRobertNeal (1195 comments posted) 28th April 2006

When it is "heart on sleeve stuff". it is really great to get it across to others.

So thank you both for your kind words,

Brian.

Loved it
Written by misscontrary (17 comments posted) 28th April 2006

A totally unexpected twist at the end which made me catch my breath.

Very effective.

Simply told but with a punch more powerful because of it.

Superb

Mary
xx

Thanks Mary
Written by BrianRobertNeal (1195 comments posted) 28th April 2006

Footnote.

Xmas 2004, I bought the Octopus as a "Stocking present" for my wife. She agreed with me that the facial expression reminded her of our youngest son, who's now 21.

I took a digital photgraph and printed out. I put the photograph on the Octopus, the story seemed to come from nowhere.

Thanks for your time and comment, I'll kep an eye out for your next posting.

Brian.

Sour puss?
Written by gerardconnolly (1186 comments posted) 30th April 2006

Sorry to have taken so long to get round to this after you specifically asked me.

I suppose it was a short story and I certainly enjoyed reading it as it was, as always, very competantly written. Also I had no trouble getting it first time as some of your other readers did. I find single short pieces are ideal for that one off emotional appeal and I thought you did that exceptionally well.

Given an emphatically positive response, not to mention that of others I am left wondering why it did not really pull up any trees in my garden. I suspect this is because it was not perhaps not meant to. Also I felt it may have lacked a context which left me wondering what it was for beyond a good piece of writing. Not that there is anything amiss with that as a goal. Indeed there are rather too many for whom that in itself would be a blessing to be welcomed. Maybe I have come to look for more in your writing than you sometimes intend. Which probably says more about me than it does this piece and therefore a signal to sign off.

Again well done. Eight out of tentickles using present government target guidelines. [ Key Stage Two]

Slainte!

Ta GC
Written by BrianRobertNeal (1195 comments posted) 30th April 2006

At least you can be bothered to read and comment, for which I am grateful.

Brian.

through the wringer..
Written by woody44 (777 comments posted) 30th April 2006

Quite an emotional piece Brian, which did not descend into something maudling or crass. My wife and I are fairly recent grandparents and whenever I look at Luke his innocence makes my heart sing. To try and put oneself in the position of a parent who has lost a child is, I think, impossible. Well done...

happy writing...

Thanks Woody
Written by BrianRobertNeal (1195 comments posted) 30th April 2006

When my eldest was in the Construction Industry I was in constant fear for his well being. I wrote a story called "After the Fall" in which I tried to come to terms with the possibility of him suffering a fatal injury.

I am an obsessive parent and have written several "emotional" pieces focussed on children, their hopes and dreams.

I'll keep an eye out for your next piece so I can say a proper thank you.

Brian

Written by jean.day (2387 comments posted) 30th April 2006

I liked this very much. The emotional bits were subtle and much more effective for being like that. You know I have come to change my image of you over the last few months since you have come back on the site. I remember you saying before that you needed to put more of yourself into your wriiting - and I think maybe you are doing that now.

Hello Jean
Written by BrianRobertNeal (1195 comments posted) 30th April 2006

Thanks for your time and comments.

You've certainly stopped me "in my tracks".

BBS commented that she could not believe that the same person wrote Mea Morphic and Am Drams.

I think I have a wider range of styles than most. At one time I'd use the Alter Ego-Cynic Sid, to try to keep the serious side of me away from the silly.

I'm always trying out new (for me that is.) approaches to writing.

Brian.

Non parent but still liked
Written by alastair79 (47 comments posted) 2nd May 2006

As a non-parent this probably didn't have the same impact on me as some of the other people, but it is still a fantastically well crafted short and is one of the best things I have read on here so far.

Alastair.

Thanks Alistair.
Written by BrianRobertNeal (1195 comments posted) 2nd May 2006

Would you believe that this story was slated on another web-site.

This is a "heart on sleeve story" and it is a delight to be able to touch others and get a positive response.

Brian.

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