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Comedy
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| Judgement Day | |
| By Bagheera | ||||||
| 28 April 2006 | ||||||
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I hate giving up: this is my fourth attempt to load up a script the way it looks in my MS Word document! This bit of slapstick sat up and BEGGED to be written down! Judgement Day JP Good afternoon, welcome to “Judgement Day”. Our panelists today are Buddy Holly and Billy Fury – representing the Heavenly Court – and speaking for the Forces of Darkness the Infamous Infidels Alice Cooper and Johnny Rotten! SFX Audience catcalls & cheers, FADE IN/FADE OUT JP (continuing) The prize they’ll be contesting is the soul and ultimate destiny of the recently departed Gene Pitney. Buddy Holly, your opening statement please.You have two minutes to make your case! BH Oh, Boy! Well, alright!! All I can say is, on this “Midnight Shift” it should be clear that this “Brown Eyed Handsome Man” deserves a place in “Fools Paradise”! BF And can I just add that we’re more than “Halfway to Paradise” already ..... JP No interruptions, thank you! BF Oooooooohh, sounds like “Jealousy” to me ...... ! AC You know the man’s “Guilty”, and he’s gonna “Go to Hell” ...! JP (starting to lose his cool) Same rules for both sides, please: no interr.... JR “Watcha gonna do about it”? JP WHAT??????????????? (angry now) JR “Don’t gimme no lip, child” JP Order! The Chair recognises Buddy Holly ........... AC The Chair needs glasses ..................... JR He can borrow Buddy’s .................. ! BF (exaggerated ‘Scouse’ accent) Calm down, calm down, stop pickin’ on my mate!!! JP Silence in Court!!! AC (sarcastically) Ooooooooo – ohhhhhhhh, get him! JR (camp) No thanks, not my type! JP I declare the Heavenly Court’s case closed, and call the Demon Duo to present their case (mops brow, exhausted) AC The accused, Gene Pitney, stands accused of crimes against bad taste: also wilful lyricism, revolting romantic rhymes and saccharine song titles SFX offstage. GP singing “Twenty Four Hours from Tulsa” [tape] ends with sound of “spaghetti tape” and tape player being destroyed FADEIN/FADEOUT ALL (hands over ears) AAAAAAAAAAAAA – RRGGGHH !! JR They useter say it was us wot couldn’t sing .... ! AC Whoever said that never went to one of his concerts.... ! SL, front apron. Hologram of GP projected, mike in hand, suitably ‘retouched’ to represent him as a ghost GP sings: “Backstage, I’m lonely, backstage I cry .......” AC, JR attempt to attack with fire extinguisher & folding chair. Fortunately both weapons pass harmlessly through hologram. JP soaked by foam, ducks just as chair passes over his head. FADE OUT music & image as song ends AC Know what, mate? (looks at JR, who nods) AC /JR together: You’re welcome to him! Exeunt SR BF And don’t think you can persuade Him Upstairs to put up with that awful noise for all Eternity, either! starts backing out SR, leaving BH Here’s lookin’ at you, my friend! takes off glasses (oversized caricatures), places them on JP’s nose. Leaves, following BF GP (hologram) reappears at JP’s side, singing: Half heaven, half heartache, my loving you, darlin Oh let my love be strong enough to take away the heartache And make my life a heaven on earth with you-ou-oo-oo-ou JP collapses, picture of total misery, nervous breakdown candidate Freeze, fade lights, curtain as music ends FINIS
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