A piece of journalism really. But someone could easily make a courtroom script from it. Alas not me. I read it yesterday and thinking of recent excanges with BRN, Woody and Givitsum, I just couln't resist it. On 22 March 2005, the Arriva Trains North 7.44 from Hull to Grimsby was brought to a halt for almost half an hour by signal failure. It was stopped alongside a field behind a farmhouse. As the train stood motionless, those inside looked through their windows in horror and amazement to see Paul Stalker, an unemployed Vegetable Chef from Coatbridge in Ayrshire, not long released on licence from Broadmoor, vigorously committing a vile and unnatural act with a goat. Everyone was incensed and soon the carriages were buzzing with frantic mobile calls to the police. Officers responded and were on the scene quickly and the unfortunate wretch, Stalker, apprehended and arrested. Almost a year later the case came to court before a Circuit Judge in Carlisle, Mr Justice Campbell-Lowrie, an educated and erudite Scot, fabled on the Bench for his liberal- minded tolerance of the foibles of humanity and for his acid wit. He adjourned the case calling for Psychiatric Reports on the palpable nutter, Stalker. Then added, speaking Obiter Dicta : ' It would be churlish indeed to let this unseemly matter pass without extending the congratulations of The Court to Arriva Trains North for the outstanding cleanliness of their windows on their trains, through which the passengers were easily able to witness and report on this felony. Had these same passengers had the misfortune-- as I myself often have-- to be travelling on Virgin Trains, its is likely the foul and deranged miscreant would have been able to have his evil, henious way, should he have wished, with the entire blasted farmyard without any soul being any the wiser.' He then directed that the goat should not be named or subpoenaed to appear before any subsequent proceedings, and that the poor distressed and violated creature should receive counselling through Victim Support. Stalker is back in Broadmoor as far as anyone is aware. Though with the present laxity in supervision of itinerant deluded idiots, he could be anywhere. Just anywhere. Slainte! |
Current thinking
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3362 comments posted) 28th April 2006 | You have your finger on the pulse of current legal behaviour. Judges are getting funny!! The one judging the Dan Brown-Da Vinci plagiarism case included a coded message of his own in his written judgement for his own amusement. The world is going topsy turvy--what next police shooting guilty people--John Presscot speaking English...
Current and funny as ever, gerard, and I see the names have been changed (slightly) to protect the gullible.
I'm sure Gwynn will be glad you didn't make him Welsh
....Still waiting for the Towel Head Ramblers song! | Seen the Certificate.Certified sane!
Written by gerardconnolly (1186 comments posted) 28th April 2006 | Yes. Ms B. I like coded behaviour. As for any coincidences, you may think that , but I couldn't possibly comment. Re your last line. Be patient, woman. I've some Ossie on hold for when I next get a mo.
Slainte! | Cracking good rap Grommitt.
Written by BrianRobertNeal (1195 comments posted) 28th April 2006 | (It's no good I've left a piece on another Web-site and I'll have to sneak back and copy it as I do not have it on file. It's called "Modern Policing Strategy")
I can't get over the Judge who informed one of the parties that, "I'll not have common sense in my court" and I'm sure there wasn't any.
An enjoyable read.
Brian.
(PS I would be grateful if you could peruse and comment on "Octopus" which is on Short Stories.) | Got it.
Written by gerardconnolly (1186 comments posted) 28th April 2006 | Thanks Brian. Will do later on today. Actually I saw it earlier and really liked it. I wanted to give it a proper and fair asessment. Coming soon to a cinema near you. 'New York, New York, its a wonderful town.....'
Slainte! | tall story
Written by woody44 (775 comments posted) 30th April 2006 | I often travel down to Devon and have wondered why their hedges at the side of road/track are always so high. I now realize they cannot control their sex-crazed inhabitants so have built these hedges to spare the blushes of us unworldly northerners...
Glad you have spared the guilty to protect the innocent Gerard..well done.. | You couldn't invent it....
Written by gerardconnolly (1186 comments posted) 30th April 2006 | Thank you Woody.
Yes, as I am always saying you can never be sure what kind of tick brained psycho you meet up with these days just going about your normal business. It's quite alarming. Why, do you know, just recently, I started getting reviews from some wozzock called.....Oh never mind. It's not worth it. Back to Ossie and fun.
Slainte! | coded
Written by robokent (84 comments posted) 2nd May 2006 | I have tried reading several of your pieces before, but unfortunately as I don't usually understand them, I have never seen fit to comment on them. As you explained to one unlucky commenter who like me could not get through the dialectical nuances of your pieces, I don't speak 'Irish'. (I found it therefore apropos that you mentioned your affinity for codes in a comment at the finish of this piece.)
This piece, however, was quite easy for me to understand (though I probably didn't get most of the references), and I liked it. You took a ridiculous premise and made it even more hilarious with the paragraph where the judge complains about dirty train windows. Brilliant!
Despite my lack for your lingo, I will continue to check out your posts... | Many thanks...
Written by gerardconnolly (1186 comments posted) 3rd May 2006 | Thank you Rob.
The Irish pieces are written in a deliberate idom and I can undrestand it takes some getting used to. Frankly it's a large measure of what I produce professionally and only a small proportion of this appears, mostly for trial purposes, here. As you can see I write in other modes too. Since most of my work goes to syndication I have to keep up with the news and that means having a varied portfolio, if that is not too grand a term. For example the QPR piece on this site was adapted through three syndication netwoks ATM; Black Shamrock and Bull's Eye, and appears in different formats in each one. That's the trouble with syndication; you sometimes don't recognise your own work when it's finally used! But it does pay well and I have never understood why more aspiring writers don't get started by going down the syndication route. Or rather I do, but I don't accept the drawbacks are as limiting as some would have us believe. Whatever, I have rarely seen this option seriously discussed in a writers' advice forum.
Again thanks for a constructive comment. I will look out some of your postings when I have a moment and get a feel for the kind of thing you write.
Regards. | Apologies
Written by givitsum (651 comments posted) 3rd May 2006 | Sorry mate for not getting round to this one, I've been very busy tossing it off up in Sabah.
Another good one sir, I did get the references by the way which only added to the value. I think I see where you're going here, and if you don't mind I might jump on the band wagon and have a little stab myself, just for the craic!
givimsum | Confused
Written by gwynn1970 (109 comments posted) 3rd May 2006 | Why did they lock him up? Is this illegal in your country?
Gwynn
XX | Where shall I begin.....?
Written by gerardconnolly (1186 comments posted) 3rd May 2006 | Hello Gwynn.
Well, Gwynn, sweetheart. You see he had been a very very bad man. And you know what it's like when you have been a very naughty person. Like when your mummy finds out you've wet the bed again. She gets very cross doesn't she. And locks you in your room without your wrap of scagg. And you know how that makes you feel don't you? Well now that's the answer. Run along now and play with your teddies. | utter confusion
Written by robokent (84 comments posted) 3rd May 2006 | Gerard,
First off, thanks for the comment to my piece, and I'll respond more to what you said there...
This is going to sound like a bit of a simple wish, but it sure would be nice if those of us who truly loved to write, and who possessed some bit of talent, could just write what we wanted, and magically enough money to live by would show up in our bank accounts, without having to jump through so many hoops as it sounds you've done to make a living at this craft.
I truly admire people like you who can be termed successes in this 'business'. Unfortunately I am not yet one of them, and though I've written for years, I feel like I'll never see anything I've written actually get published and me get remunerated!
I could go on, but this is supposed to be a space reserved for comments on your piece. I just wanted to say thanks for your comments here and again, at my piece's space. | Missed opportunity.
Written by gerardconnolly (1186 comments posted) 10th May 2006 | I read this again and I take your point. I had forgotten I had not acknowledged it prviously. My apologies. Yes. 'Being a writer' is a loaded term. You are more often than not writing things you would prefer not to have to do. But then every now and again comes opportunity.
In my life it has had to knock several times as I work via attrition.
Regards. |
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