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New Life
By brook_rivers
29 April 2006
Browsing through the other h/w posts for this month I noticed the theme of new life is always associated with happiness. I started thinking of situations in which this unfortunately may not be the case. For example, when another child is born in a HIV ridden africa, or a mother dies whilst giving birth. 
I am currently writing an extended story in which my focal, character, who is a young teenage girl, gives birth to a child she is unable to care for and has to give up for adoption. Combining these two ideas the h/w gave me a new perspective on how to write her diary entry after she has given birth, and what her feelings are. 


I look back on the birth day, and even through it was several weeks ago now the mixture of intense emotions that I experienced are still very vivid.
 

I wonder what it would have been like had I not had to leave baby Hope so soon after meeting her. I wonder how all the other mum’s feel now that they have a gorgeous child safely at home, in sight, with them for always.
 

It really was bizarre to feel so happy, sad, relieved, satisfied – as well as being in so much pain- in one moment. I can not fully describe how I was feeling – how I am still feeling for that matter. But I will try.
 

I think the first and foremost thought going on in my mind was complete and utter relief. Understandably so as I did not have the specialist aid of doctors and nurses, and I was so terrified that something would go wrong which would cause my baby to suffer because of the decision I had made.
The second emotion ripping through me was pride. Pride at the new life I had successfully delivered into the world, and pride because she was so beautiful, so pure, so innocence and so tiny! Just thinking about the sight of my little one makes me dissolve in tears. The one thing I am glad about is that I did feel pride, and an instant connection with baby Hope, because of the circumstances of Hope’s ‘conception’ my feelings may so easily have been different. Perhaps I would have felt different if I had given birth to a bo, but the fact that I loved my baby the first moment I saw her felt so natural.
Thirdly I was just amazed that this little person had come from me! The wonder of life I think I shall have to term it!
 

Then of course after a few ecstatic hours with my baby reality dawned upon me because she could NOT be MY baby. I never imagined that I would feel so much love and be so protective towards her. But I did.
However, I knew and had already decided that it was impossible for me to keep her and she needed to be checked over and then taken to a family who could look after her properly. For a few moments I convinced myself that it would be ok, I would cope, love would be enough. But I had to stick to my plans.
 

I am still unsure if I made the right decision. But however much I am hurting I know that Hope will be well looked after, and that is what matters. That still doesn’t stop how I feel though. From the moment she was born until this very second she has pre-occupied all my thoughts. I can see her little toes and tiny nose. I can hear her meek cry and feel the warmth of her against me. I took a few photos on my phone and I treasure them. She probably looks really different now; in the few weeks that have passed she may have changed beyond my recognition. That horrifies me to think that I could walk past her in the street one day and not even realise.
 

Lastly was the agonies I was experiencing after having a natural birth. Nick desperate tried to persuade me to go to the hospital but to me the pain of physically giving birth was so insignificant to the emotional pain of leaving Hope.
 

I have rattled on and on here trying to make sense of myself. I think this is the longest entry that I have made, but this is all going round in my head and I am hoping that writing down how I feel will relieve some of this anguish that I have.
 

The happiness of holding Hope for those few precious hours of her life and the absolute sadness of not being able to keep my own child and build a relationship with her was and still is devastating. I wish thing had been different, but most of all I wish that my darling Hope will be happy.

Reviews
interesting
Written by misscontrary (17 comments posted) 28th April 2006
I LOVE the idea of this and your synopsis for a future book sounds interesting too 
 
But reading this, the first thing that struck me was that it did not read like something a teenage girl would write. The style and words just don't seem to fit that scenario, particularly as i am assuming she must be very young to be in a position of having to give up her baby? 
 
It is written in the first person but reads like a much older person is writing ABOUT the teenager and her feelings, rather than the girl herself. 
 
Towards the end you imply perhaps this is an entry into the girl's diary? If this is so, she may well have written something in shorter, almost staccato sentences, a jumble of them, even, which would convey her anguish very well. 
 
I still have my diaries from when I was an angst-ridden teenager and my bad times are marked by this unconscious change of writing style. 
 
Alternatively, a "Dear Hope" letter expressing how she feels and to be given away with the baby for her to read when she is old enough, could be another way of getting it across.  
 
Having said all that, although i was distracted by the writing style, I really did enjoy reading this and you show great insight into the subject, which is not an easy one. 
:)  
 
Best Wishes 
 
Mary xx
to misscontrary
Written by brook_rivers (484 comments posted) 29th April 2006
Thank you for your comments. 
Later on in the development there is actually a dear hope letter! Great minds think alike eh!  
 
I did also think about the style in which I wrote this diary entry. And as you suggested a lot of the other entries are in fact shorter, more confused and use more stunted and colloquial sentences. 
 
However, this is an entry towards the end of the story and one of my aims was to show how much the character has matured throughout the book by gradually changing her writing style. As the different disasters in her life have a profound change on her. This entry especially is meant to be a moment of clarity in the book after several failed attempts at expressing her feelings, and I did actually find it quite emotional to write (hope that comes across).  
 
Also, the teenager comes from a very rich and upper class background, she has been privately educated, very clever ect ect so this may also explain the style? 
Do you think, bearing this explaination in mind, that the style is more understandable or do you stick to your original opinion (would be helpful to know!) 
 
I am glad you liked it though. 
 
Thanks again 
 
brook x
Interesting
Written by steve666 (50 comments posted) 29th April 2006
This is not my normal choice of read, but as usual for me - the title won out and i had to have a peek. 
You managed to set things up very quickly, which i prefer. 
There are 2/3 spelling issues. 
The idea of the piece is good, but i agree with Mary - i feel the style would have benefitted from being more 'broken up'. Just my humble though. 
Emotionally, i think you could afford to 'lose' it a little more - some really raw anguish - and written the same. 
Overall, it was alright, but could do with some tweaking. :)
my favorite sentence
Written by robokent (84 comments posted) 29th April 2006
Hi, first time reading your work... 
 
At first I was kind of agreeing with Steve that there should have been more 'raw anguish' on the girl's part. But then I re-read it and read your own comments again, and I kind of saw it differently: the fact that it has been a few weeks since she had the baby does lend her a bit of perspective -- thereby reducing some of the utter angst she would have felt immediately postpartum -- and just the idea of carrying the baby to term over nine months definitely helps to explain the maturity 'beyond her years' that she may have achieved through the process.  
 
However, there was line that you threw in there, a great sentence, that I wish you had done more with. 
 
That horrifies me to think that I could walk past her in the street one day and not even realise.  
 
Maybe somewhere in the novel version, you can explore this anguish. I imagine her as a 40-year-old woman wondering if every twenty-something girl she walks by is her daughter... This could be a great little part of your book, and would make a great short story in itself!

Written by jean.day (2266 comments posted) 29th April 2006
I enjoyed reading this and think that the language is okay for a teenager. You don't have to be old to be able to write well. You did put across emotion in it, and I think there is lots of potential for a book in the story. 
 
PM
Written by woody44 (774 comments posted) 30th April 2006
I liked this Brook - I am sending you a PM which will probably explain my empathy for this story 
 
 
happy writing...
So true
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3329 comments posted) 30th April 2006
It's funny how we can express ourselves so clearly in the written word.somehow the act of writing it down forces us to evaluate and clarify our thoughts. There are some real heart wrenching moments here and if you haven't experienced this for yourself then you have a great insight into the feelings of such a person. And, as I have said in another post, your conversational style is your strong point. 
BBS
New Life
Written by twriter (117 comments posted) 31st March 2007
Really enjoyed this a great idea, view and a clearly written piece using plenty of character to tell a sharp tale. 
 
VBW, 
 
TW

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