Well this is my first piece of wrk for the site, im a little oblivious about exactly wot 2 write about. I don't think i've ever had a story which carries a decent ending. I fond it difficult to get inspiration and sometimes things cn be a bit too autobiographical il try and make this one less so. I'd appreciate any comments about the strength of my work and any improvements to make for the next one!! Thanx.:) The lake always carried a sense of foreboding, that something interesting, exciting, dangerous could happen there. I never thought that it would affect me though. How could it, i never even went there. But in some way this work of nature would change my life.
My brother died there you see, fell in the water and couldn't swim so his friendshad to stand and wait for help whilst he drowned, slowly suffocating under the pressure. You can only imagine how my parents felt. They'd explicitly told him not to go there that day, that it was dangerous and should anything happen it wouldn't be their fault. They blamed themselves anyhow. My dad turned to drink, mum just engrossed herself in her housework and i just couldn't do anything, after all, it was Luke's fault for going to the lake in the first place but it hurt. How could an intelligent brother be so stupid. I knew that i had to move on and live through the trouble.
Thats when i decided to start anew, rebuild a better life for myself and my parents, as a tribute to Luke. This is my new life. I decided to start a new course, teching me french, a new language which was bound to broaden my horizons. I got a new job for a notional firm, sending me all over and paying me well, good for making sure that my parents weren't slumming it as neither of them were working.
My new life, of course i'd never forget the old one, but the new one would now be there for me too, one where i had control and all in honour of my brother. It's strange what people do for their family. :) |
Righty ho then..
Written by steve666 ( comments posted) 29th April 2006 | Your first line was excellent. Full of drama, foreboding. It set the story up for...and then it went a little wrong.
Please bear in mind that these critiques are my opinions as a reader.
You described the lake - alluded to the fact it could affect you and then said you never went. Too fuddled.
Then a good line about nature changing your life - but how it changed held no drama.
There are a couple of grammatical errors - it is always best to read and re-read aloud to catch these.
There is no problem with writing autobiographically, as long as you write something people will want to read, and will enjoy reading. After all, there is only you who knows what bits are autobiographical.
I would combine the auto-stuff with something not quite real - have fun with the writing.
Hope this has helped a tad.
 | My 2p worth
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (5077 comments posted) 29th April 2006 | As you asked for comments I'll give you mine but they carry no worth or authority,just a reaction.
The theme is a good one .
You set the lake up so strongly in the beginning that I expected it to feature it the story esp at the end;- for example maybe the lad could heave Luke's treasured old bike in as a symbol of moving on (or something more subtle!)
Also I would have liked to know more about what brought about the change, it seemed a bit too easy. Human nature isn't that smooth i'm sure you'll agree.
And then you just rattled through to a happy and well adjusted end which was just a bit too glib and quick for me (but as a lapsed catholic I believe nothing comes easy so maybe it' s just me!)
It was a good little story though which if filled out could
be a great one
cheers
BBS | welcome to the site!
Written by brook_rivers (486 comments posted) 29th April 2006 | I agree with most of the above, the opening sentences were great but you lost it after that and it seemed to me more like a summary of what was going to happen rather than the actual story. As Mrs B says it has great potential but needs filling out for it to make more sense.
For instance you could show a scene/some dialogue of between the guilt ridden parents. If you want to keep the story short, you could detail the feelings of the sibling in the days immidiately after the death & then maybe the positive turning point could be at the funeral?But you definatley need a when, where, how, why explaination of the turning point. Delve more into the persons emotions & thoughts.
The last few lines also deserve credit.
Good first post though, will look out for the re-work!
brook |
Written by jean.day (2908 comments posted) 29th April 2006 | | I think that this story needs expanding. It's got so much squashed into a few sentences, and each of those sentences could almost be a chapter in a book. But the fact that all of us who have commented think it has potential should be encouraging for you. As far as putting in things that are autobiographical, most of my stories are, and that's what works for me. I don't think you should worry about it. | All of the above
Written by Espiral ( comments posted) 3rd May 2006 | Hello,
I agree with all the above points, and have more of my own to add:
Compare
"The lake always carried a sense of foreboding, that something interesting, exciting, dangerous could happen there. "
with
"...good for making sure that my parents weren't slumming it..."
This obviously wasn't written to be an especially literary piece but I did feel some incongruity between the style of the first line - more descriptive and atmospheric - and the second line i've quoted - a bit too slangy-sounding.
Anyway keep going and I'm sure you will develop... my attitude is that if you have something to say you will find a way of saying it. I also lack inspiration and decent endings - I accept the former but the latter can be worked on so have faith!
It would be good to hear your response to the comments you've received. | Good first story!!
Written by NuttyWithIt (38 comments posted) 21st May 2006 | | It's easier to write about things that you know! Especially when you're starting out!! As you progress you will gain confidence and experiment more with your imagination too!! Critisism is helpful but it can also leave you deflated, so be aware of that. We only critisise to be supportive with our advice, but as has been said before, we all write differently and have our own opinions and views. For instance, I totally get the first line!! You don't have to see a monster to be scared of the one under your bed, or to need a light on for the rest of your life!!! But it could also make you find your bravery and question things more, which affect your life immensely, which is all part of the learning processes of childhood!! Yet we never actually see the monsters, but as children we knew they were there!! I'm getting off the point now!! Anyway, I think you should have another go at writing this and take your time with it. Take each sentence and see how you can extend it into more sentences, then put them all together and refine them so they fit in with each other and maintain a rythm. I hope you do this because i think we would all like to read more, and know more, because we are a nosey bunch who crave information!! Good luck babes!! |
Written by twriter (117 comments posted) 31st March 2007 | An excellent start puffinsrdabest to your life on the site, so why didn't you continue?
Also an excellent start to your story - drawing the reading in and give us plenty to think about. It did feel a bit rushed but if you took time to unravel it, give more detail then you would have a really excellent short story here!
Let me see more!
VBW,
TW |
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