Back by popular demand this is the next installment in the hugely popular Cabbageman series.
In this episode Cabbageman finds out that falling in love isnt always as straight forward as it seems.
(I also managed to include the Zany tie gag as requested by some of my readers) Cabbage Man checked himself once in the large mirror by his front door, straightened his hilarious zany kipper tie (ladies love comedy, everyone knows that) gave himself a wink and a ‘fonzie’ style thumbs up, said; ‘lookin’ gooood’ to his reflection, and then confidently bowled out of his front door on to the street.
The reaction was instantaneous.
‘jeeesus fucking christ’ came one voice
‘What the hell is that god awful stench of rancid cabbage’ cried another
‘I think im choking to death on the fumes, my throat and nostrils are burning up’ gasped a third.
Yes indeed, Cabbage Man was back.
Although poor Cabbage Man (thus called due to his unfortunate body odor problem) was by now used to this particular brand of humiliation on this day especially he had to muster all his strength not to be disheartened. He had really tried to look and smell as pleasant as possible as against all rhyme and reason, Cabbageman had a date. His first ever. God bless the internet.
As he waited at the bus stop, the only person there as everyone else had either fainted or ran off, he started to make romantic speculations about his date to come. Her name was Olga, a retired Russian shot put champion who apparently weighed in at 28 stone and stood some 6ft 9 tall; a mountain of a woman who, like many Russian ladies, enjoyed sporting a full beard and pork chop sideburns.
She had seemed very nice when they had talked over instant messenger, and he had made some hints that he wasn’t the most fragrant of individuals, his exact words being ‘I have the musky smell of a real man’ hoping this would reduce the impact slightly. Little did he realize that his luck was very much in, as although they hadn’t discussed it in their conversations so far, Olga did in fact suffer from a rare condition called Anosmia, which meant that she had no sense of smell whatsoever.
Blessed be the heavens; happiness and loss of virginity were at last coming Cabbagemans way.
The number 12 bus eventually came along and, money in hand, Cabbageman boarded and stated his destination.
‘aaaaahhhh’ screamed the passengers and the driver in unison.
‘You fucking hum you stinking freak son of a bitch’ yelled one guy close to him.
Someone else jumped out of the window into the path of a car traveling at speed in the other direction. Fortunately two youths had the good sense to attack cabbageman with as much brutality as they could muster.
The blows came raining down on cabbage mans head, neck and upper body as other passengers on the bus joined in, their anger fuelled by the maddening stench that cabbage man had brought into their lives. People used anything they could find to hand to administer violent justice to the wretched bloodied and broken heap that was now cabbageman. Bottles cracked over his face, stilettos punctured his lungs, and umbrella ends gouged his eyes.
Eventually the passengers became worn out and at the next bus stop they expelled Cabbagemans ruined body. The only thing barley recognizable under all the blood was his zany kipper tie.
Looks like poor old Cabbageman will have to wait a bit longer before he gets to pop his Cabbage smelling cherry!
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Still smelly
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3590 comments posted) 1st May 2006 | The poor bastard gets beaten up in every episode. I really can't see him surviving much more of this. I don't think it's right to keep having him attacked just for smelling bad. We have a very smelly man in the village and he has only been hit once, mind you it was with a Ford Transit. I thought it was all getting a bit too grim but the inclusion of the Zany tie saved the day. You can't beat a zany tie.
BTW I thought you'd be in Hollywood by now Shmoozing with the Farrellys | Idea
Written by givitsum (651 comments posted) 1st May 2006 | It would be a good idea to kill him off here. Sure, we all love him, but you don't want to spoil us. Lets say kill him off and we will have to suffer without such an hilarious character. Cabbageman RIP!
Woe is me.
| NO!
Written by gwynn1970 (109 comments posted) 2nd May 2006 | I disagree that Cabbageman should be killed. I think he is very amusing, much funnier than that kid with the magic flannel.
Please don't kill cabbageman, he is a breath of fresh air to this moribund comedy section.
Not quite Fasten Your Seatbelt, but what is?
Gwynn
XX | Appreciations
Written by paulwalker (42 comments posted) 2nd May 2006 | Thanks guys,
I'm glad everyone enjoyed this so much and yes i too think this is his funniest outing so far.
The Zany tie was a stroke of genius if i do say so myself.
Givupson, I know what you mean about killing him off. It would be a spectacular peice and would surely represent one of the biggest events on this website so far. But as per the many great reviews it wouldnt be fair to those who follow the character. He still has a lot more to give and episodes including 'Cabbageman and the goblet of fire' and 'Brokeback Cabbageman ' are in the pipeline.
BlondeSurfer, ive not quite made hollywood yet but i am doing a lot of writing for the BBC at the moment, hence my absence from this site for a while. The offers for work just keep flooding in! | Hmmm
Written by givitsum (651 comments posted) 2nd May 2006 | More in the pipeline? Well I'm certainly looking forward to it. Let's just hope your creator doesn't realise you have worked out how to pick the lock on the door of your laboratory to get to his PC, or we'll never get to read it.
You are right, the zany tie is a piece of genius. I can just picture Tommy Cooper rolling in his grave, wishing he had thought of it first.
Again, well done.
Givitup | Yes
Written by paulwalker (42 comments posted) 2nd May 2006 | Yes indeed, the tie was a fantastic addition to the sketch, and i am of course flattered to be compared to the late great Tommy Cooper, although if im honest it is not the first time!
I think of myself as more Python esque in my comedy talent, but the slapstick style of Mr Cooper is also something I am happy to be associated with.
Well done Givitsum for noticing this, and thanks again. |
Written by paulwalker (42 comments posted) 2nd May 2006 | | By the way Gwynn a special thanks to you. | but russian women are hot
Written by robokent (84 comments posted) 2nd May 2006 | Being relatively new to the site, I was not familiar with Cabbageman lore, but having noticed that you received over 300 hits for something you posted just yesterday, I needed to take a look.
It didn't impress me that much, actually. (For one thing, and this is totally subjective, I know, and not anything to do with your writing: Russian women are usually pretty darn attractive, but anyway...)
I decided to check out your other two sketches, 'What do you want' and the first installment of 'Cabbageman'. Now, these had me laughing out loud. I could see the bartender (and hear him), and since I don't know who the comedian you mentioned is, that didn't faze me (although I did picture Mike Myers from an old Saturday Night Live sketch where he plays a similar character selling Scottish souvenirs).
Cabbageman, the original one, I thought was full of great imagery as well, and well-written.
The problem I had with your latest one is that it feels hastily written, like you just wanted to get another story out using Cabbageman, because everyone asked for one. The sequel's always a hard sell. But I am looking forward to part III! |
Written by paulwalker (42 comments posted) 2nd May 2006 | Hi robokent and thanks for the review.
Yes indeed, Cabbageman is a bit of a cult figure round these parts and is an exceptionlly popular character; there is always a frenzy when I release one of his adventures.
I know what you mean about this particular one, it was very well structured and the impact of the finale was especially effective.
Perhaps I was guilty of rushing the ending somewhat, i do like a sledgehammer ending though. On top of that I was busting for a richard.
I concede regarding russian women though, they are indeed incredibly attracive, even the bearded ones. They have the most marvelous accents too!
Stay tuned mate, there more crazy escapades coming soon. | before it is too late...
Written by woody44 (777 comments posted) 2nd May 2006 | | Word has just reached me that a very good friend of mine in the greengrocery business has just been found wandering in a daze on Beechy Head. It transpirers that he can no longer sell a single cabbage, resulting in the bank foreclosing on his house, his wife leaving him for an erotic doll salesman, and his only daughter being forced to take a job as John Prescott`s `big-words` speech coach. I am therefore begging you to pull back before it is too late and you become the instrument of my friends untimely demise... |
Written by paulwalker (42 comments posted) 2nd May 2006 | Haha, nice one Woody.
I knew my comedy was powerful, but not quite powerful enough to destroy an industry (the cabbage industry) and to drive a good man to suicide.
I'd say that although my writing can touch many people in a profound way it really shouldnt be taken to that extent.
Many thanks, | Afterthought
Written by gwynn1970 (109 comments posted) 3rd May 2006 | Having read this a few times now (which I laugh every time by the way) I really think Cabbageman should have a cockney accent. I know a few rhyming slang if you need help. Perhaps the phrase 'pen & ink' could be amusingly inserted as he ws in a stationary shop buying a fountain pen and bottle of ink. I am sure there must be an amusing scenario in there somewhere.
Gwynn
XX |
Written by paulwalker (42 comments posted) 3rd May 2006 | Hi Gwynn
I think it's a marvelous idea, well done. I've read some of your work where you have used this type of gag and it works exceptionally well. Im familiar with some slang myself;
Bananas&chairs = pears
Tina turner = Bunsen Burner
Gottle of Geer = Lager
I think with the inclusion of the tie, and now the cockney accent this character will just go from strength to strength.
Can believe all the hits ive got! Is it the best ever on this site? I'm so very proud. |
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