Sorry, had nothing better to do today so have writen and posted two things. One of the things that people said about my "Tales" story was the amount of prose you have to waid through, so have tried to do something as stark as pos.
Alastair. An old dishevelled man fought clumsily against the mass of people in the market place as he tried to get his wooden crate to the middle, he gave up and placed it two thirds in. Climbing up he fished for something from his long brown overcoats pockets, eventually producing a twig, which he held triumphantly aloft.
“This is not a twig!” he proclaimed loud and clear, and then looked expectantly around for people’s interest to turn his way. A few looked most didn’t.
“This is not a twig!”, he was now waving the twig back and forth. More people this time and a voice from the crowd.
“If that’s not a twig then I’m not hung like a donkey”, a few muted laughs and another voice obviously the statement-makers wife.
“Well it’s absolutely not a twig then”, several more laughs but the old man stood quiet. More people stopping now, a crowd of about thirty now stood waiting. Eventually a small child’s voice floated up.
“If it’s not a twig, then what is it?”, the old man beamed around at the whole throng, then bent double toward where the voice had come from.
“Good question, someone’s been eating brain food this morning, probably some sort of porridge I wouldn’t wonder”. The old man straightened up; still grasping the twig high in the air looking like a war statue.
“This is paper, this is lumber, this is fuel, and this is natures bounty”, he paused to catch his breath, during this natural break a woman shouts up.
“It’s still a flippin’ twig”
“Wrong, young lady, very utterly wrong. You couldn’t be more wronger if you tried”, his smile widened showing more yellow stained teeth to the mob.
“This helps you breath, this helps the planet breath, this helps clean the water you drink, and this is life”. The old man, now finished pushes the twig back into his pocket, climbs off this crate and begins to wonder away. A few people look quizzically at each other and couple of “what the” comment are made, but most people just drift back to their shopping.
A small boy catches the sleeve of the old mans coat and gives a sharp tug. Looking down the old man smiles and waits patiently.
“So, is it not a twig then?” he asks. The old man pulls out the twig and gives it to the boy.
“No, This is all we have left”.
|
The local nutter.
Written by BrianRobertNeal (1195 comments posted) 2nd May 2006 | I loved this, unusual topic, well handled, but the ending is too cryptic.
"“No, This is all we have left”."
It did not answer the boy's question. I am dim, and I could not "twig" (oops, sorry.), what it was answering or saying.
I like "economical" writing and this paint a very life-like picture.
Brian | Maybe I was a bit cryptic
Written by alastair79 (47 comments posted) 2nd May 2006 | Was trying to get across that we are using all our natural resources on the planet and fairly soon we maybe looking at a twig in a museum.
Mind you, if it got that bad, we wouldn't be around any way.
Thanks for the comments Brian. | Pipes and twigs
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3590 comments posted) 2nd May 2006 | | At first I thought we were in Rene Magritte territory and it was going to be all existential and surreal but you pulled me back down to earth some sound ecological arguements. I thought it was all the better for being mainly in dialogue I found it easy to read and assimilate. | Hypocrit
Written by gwynn1970 (109 comments posted) 3rd May 2006 | I think the old man ought to practice what he preaches. He's there telling everyone not to abuse the environment and teaching how valuable trees are and he's standing on a wooden crate to attract attention. People like this should be shot.
He could have used an old plastic milk-crate. Recyclable of course.
Gwynn
XX | Pipes / Hypocrit
Written by alastair79 (47 comments posted) 3rd May 2006 | Thanks BBS for you comments, I don't think I could do existential if I tried
Gwynn your right of course, I shall be having words with him later 
Thanks.....
Alastair. | Indeed it isn't!
Written by Espiral (44 comments posted) 3rd May 2006 | This is funny, clever and surprisingly well formed for something written in a moment of idleness. I wish I could produce something as complete when I have nothing better to do!
Actually just noticed you switch tenses from past to present towards the end.... intentional? | Thank you.
Written by alastair79 (47 comments posted) 3rd May 2006 | Very kind comment, thank you very much.
Until you mentioned it, I did not know that I had switch tense, to be honest it's a case of brain to page and very little thought as I wanted to keep it very simple. I tent to ramble on so this was really an exercise in trimming the fat and just leaving the core story.
Thanks........ Alastair. | As promised...
Written by gerardconnolly (1186 comments posted) 9th May 2006 | Hello Alistair,
I had a gander at your pieces and decided I liked this one best. Incidently I noticed I have had my say previously about Montague Smith and it's nice to see you taking on board some of the constructive advice others offered.
First off I should admit that simply because I like it is no general endorsemnt and doesn't even mean its your best piece. However all your pieces strike me as competently written. Which puts you ahead of at leat 50% of the stuff I have waded through in my brief time using this site. [And remember this is a very good writers orientated site as opposed to the blog detritus prevelent elsewhere] So you are obviously doing something right.
What impresses me most about your pieces is their 'off beat' quality. I don't think I could be accused of being excssive were I to say that this is your real attraction and for me your strongest card as a writer. So much of what appears not just here but generally betrays a glaring parentage from the cliches of current preoccupations [It's god/religion/schoolboy comic horror/fantasy at present, as far as I can tell] Nice to read someone producing vignettes that explore and relate the individual foibles of humankind far away from the spotlight. OK so you probably won't be a millionaire. But I genuinely do think there is a market for this kind of thing and you will have hours of pleasure easing your way into it. Don't worry too much about format and style. Believe me no writer will ever be rejected on the basis of spelling mistakes. Being a god awful indifferent phoney/totally boring/ pretentious/ useless/unimaginative/.......Yes. But not spelling. Thankfully you don't have to worry about that. Write as you feel and frankly the rest is incidental.
Oh yes. I almost forgot. When someone comes along and tells you they can't understand your work, thank them for the courtesy of their time and then remind them that you cannot be made responsible for other people's stupidity,
Well done. | Thank you.
Written by alastair79 (47 comments posted) 9th May 2006 | Thank you for your fantastic comments Gerard; to be honest I think this is probably the best thing I have written (not that that’s saying much) and coming from a writer of your obvious quality they are most welcome. I don’t like to structure too much before I start to write, I think this where the ‘off beat’ comes from.
Regards.. Alastair
|
Written by Veronica_Milvus (768 comments posted) 2nd February 2008 | | Yes but you need to know the difference (noun, verb)between breath and breathe. |
Only registered users can rate and write comments.
Please login or register. Powered by AkoComment 2.0! |
Previous item
