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By shirley_keeldar
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02 May 2006 |
*ooft*
(This being the revised version) Our love was like shifting continents, an Inevitable slow tectonic collision, the Massive churning seething heat; Underground passion felt beneath the feet but Invisible, and so hot we couldnt touch the earth. Until the crash, the Eruption, the rapture then The fallout that blackened the air and Suffocated our little world. |
An intrigueing read.
Written by BrianRobertNeal (1195 comments posted) 2nd May 2006 | I would be tempted to change the word rupture, for something less connected with male abdominal problems, as half wits like me will giggle a little.
This weakened the impact of an otherwise powerful poem.
Well meaning Brian-I'll get me coat. | oops..
Written by shirley_keeldar (67 comments posted) 2nd May 2006 | ...i dont know what you mean... whats rupture mean to a guy?! In fact dont say it; it sounds gross!  | Distant memories
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3174 comments posted) 2nd May 2006 | | Christ, I haven't felt anything like that in years but I know what you are trying to say.Another powerful and unsettling piece.I suppose those emotions are always there under the surface except in your case where they seem to be on the top (and we can all benefit from that in your poems) | ...again you're right...
Written by shirley_keeldar (67 comments posted) 2nd May 2006 | ...and it gets me in trouble a lot!  | ruptured rapture
Written by patterjack (1095 comments posted) 2nd May 2006 | Am I misreading ? I can see a possible confusion for someone to read *rupture* for *rapture * following on from the similar sounds of the word * eruption * but *rupture* itself does not appear on my screen, at least
I have a feeling that the second stanza is too suddenly compressed in plot, and the imagery not quite linked logically , thus leaving it open to some odd twists of Freudian interpretation.
But like your other material , it's a strongly emotional work | re:rupture/rapture...
Written by shirley_keeldar (67 comments posted) 3rd May 2006 | the line originally read 'the eruption, the rupture, the rapture' but it was a bit clanky anyway...
i think youre right about the second stanza but i did mean it to be overly sudden to suggest how instantaneous&intense the end of such a passion could be...
thanks for reviewing it!  | i like it...
Written by no1butClo (337 comments posted) 1st December 2006 | I can empathise with this in a strange way...so well written, thankyou.
clo x | A bit distant and impersonal
Written by Bats (13 comments posted) 8th October 2007 | These two stanzas leave me with a feeling that they should be in the middle of a bigger poem. The metaphore works fine and is well-structured but I don't get any sort of feeling as to who it is a metaphore for, just ephemeral, perhaps lust-based, realtionships in general? Who is feeling the heat - are they burning - how are they showing the emotions???
The lack of a closer focus anywhere lessens the impact of the strong words and imagery for me. Just a hint of who why and how perhaps, a bit of teasing!!!
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