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Poetry
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It all felt a little funny...
By kitten_princess
02 May 2006
The first line was given to me by no1butclo. She had a line given to her by a mutual friend and wrote something amazing.

Well, I wrote something!

It all felt a little funny.

A frenzy of pure passion.
Fruity... dark.

Yet, those placid tones
Still reside in your eyes.
Why?

Awkward footsteps
Crunch on a motel floor.

The emptiness
Left by a scrumpled sheet
And a closing door.

Screaming wallpaper...
Murmuring boom box.

Then... still.
Still felt funny.

Reviews
Subtle
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3351 comments posted) 2nd May 2006
You certainly did...maybe not amazing but there is more there than you think a clever piece full of subtle emotion. I actually think the first line has little to do with the poem it may have inspired it but I'm not sure it adds anything to it. Just my reaction, Your poem my reaction....funny game writing!
very nearly amazing
Written by GilesLascelle (4 comments posted) 4th May 2006
I love the sparse feel of this. If it isn't amazing it's certainly pretty getting there. 
 
I think I might have stripped it down even more to emphasise that empty, on your own, feeling. Maybe done away with that 'yet' in line 4, and perhaps lines 8 to 10 could read something like: 
 
'the emptiness 
of a scrumpled sheet 
a closing door' 
 
I also have a personal prejudice against too many words ending in 'ing' in a poem. Sometimes they are just right, but at other times recasting a line to eliminate the 'ing' words can heighten the sense of immediacy, e.g. 
 
'wallpaper screams 
boombox murmers' 
 
These are just my thoughts - it's still a very good piece.

Written by no1butClo (337 comments posted) 22nd August 2006
1) don't blow my trumpet like that, it's rude :P 
 
2)...duuuuude I love this. Perhaps it's because I know you, but it's on such a different level from your other work, less self pitying and more objective.  
 
I feel bad about the line now, because what came out of it was awesome but i'm not sure what I gave you actually works! 
 
your choice whether to keep it in, but you've done great things with it 
 
yay well done! 
 
x clo x 
 
[6 As...tsk]

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