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Poetry
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Waterlogged
By Espiral
03 May 2006
I don't normally write poems but this one happened. I know there's not much metre - would it benefit from a smoother rhythm? The rhyming was fairly coincidental. Please be brutally honest with your reviews so I know whether to ever bother with a poem again!


 I was meant for you
 But you can't see
 Because I'm tied up
 While you are free.

 I am waterlogged
 Unable to flow,
 Beyond my dam
 I cannot go.

 If I could speak
 I'd tell you this,
 If I could move
 I'd show you bliss.

Reviews
A good read.
Written by BrianRobertNeal (1195 comments posted) 3rd May 2006
However consider changing "waterlogged" for a word suggesting obstruction and this would re-inforce the concept of being "dammed in". 
 
The best I could come up with was "constricted or perhaps entangled" 
 
Put your heart on your sleeve and bugger the niceties, such as rhyme and metre, 
 
Brian 
 
My 2p worth
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3590 comments posted) 4th May 2006
I think you have to wear two hats when you write poetry. The emotional one as BRN suggests and a constructional one concerned with meter, and scanning and rhyme That is what marks out a poem from prose (IMHO) The ability to do both marks out the poet (which is why I don't do poetry) Otherwise you may have the emotion but it will be unreadable. 
For me it was a respectable effort. I could understand the meaning and found it well constructed and easy to read. But then I'm not a poet, and they don't tend to review other poets so you have to make do with the likes of me. 
cheers  
BBS
Thank you both
Written by Espiral (44 comments posted) 4th May 2006
Brian - I appreciate your comments, however the word 'waterlogged' has the precise meaning I intended. I wanted to give the impression of being completely full, as well as the sensation of being unable to release any of this (hence the dam).......though perhaps these are conflicting metaphors.  
 
BBS - Thank you too, though I'm not entirely sure if you were complimenting or cautioning me? 
Your advice is is worth more than 2p - I am reassured that, based on your comments, I am a writer rather than a poet but as I rarely feel the need to write a poem this doesn't bother me too much. 
 
:grin

Written by Nance (86 comments posted) 12th May 2006
I just wanted to say I like your verse, and I suppose you should write poetry because you succeed at this. This one is short but very nice, and tuly pleasent to read. Perhaps, if it is longer, it'd lost its charm. Well done!

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