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Shorts
A LAST COFFEE CREAM...
By woody44
03 May 2006

  A SHORT-SHORT STORY...


   Daniel began to cry. Quiet, almost inaudible sobs, the wet tears flowing unseen

down his chocolate-smeared cheeks. In the cloying blackness of the tiny box room

something soft and thread-like brushed across his eyes. Daniel began to scream...

     The old woman closed her ears to the noise. The boy had to be shown. His

parents, god rest their souls, had been far too lenient with him. Discipline. It was what
was lacking nowadays. Cackling softly she plunged her gnarled fingers into the ornate
chocolate box and drew out her favourite coffee cream. In her day if her mother had

even so much as caught her looking in the direction of the cookie jar...

      Daniel, his knees now thrust against his chest, began to rock gently back and

forth. How long had he been in there, minutes..hours..days; time had no relevence

for him anymore. Why had his Aunt done this to him? She had seemed so nice,

telling him how sorry she was about his parents tragic accident, how she would look

after him, keep him safe...
    
     The old woman, her thin, colourless lips sucking on the last of the coffee cream,

rose from the old, faded chair and began to hobble across the floor.

   "Stealing, I won`t have it," she muttered to herself, her gimlet eyes fixed on the

tiny door in the corner of the room. "I won`t have it, do you hear boy."  

   Was that her voice he heard! Was she coming to let him out, tell him how sorry she
was, that locking him in had been just a silly little joke...Eagerly he slid forward in the

darkness, his hands excitedly probing for the heavy pannelled door..

     The old woman reached the end of the room. Chuckling with excitement she

stooped to pick up a battered old suitcase. At eighty-six this would be her

fifth, and probably last, world cruise....    

Reviews
whoops!
Written by woody44 (761 comments posted) 4th May 2006
sorry about the spacing. I did it in double but it seems to have taken on a life of its own between me writing it and presenting it to the world....
Unsettling.
Written by alastair79 (47 comments posted) 4th May 2006
Not really sure if this works as you give no reasons why the old woman is a complete psycho. Plus for a coffee cream this is a slight knee-jerk reaction. 
 
But if you were going disturbing this certainly hits the mark. 
 
Regards... Alastair.
coffee cream!
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3138 comments posted) 4th May 2006
It's good to see grand parents taking their responsibility seriously. So many of them now are just hell bent on hedonistic pleasure. I blame the proliferation of cream tea cafes that are springing up everywhere. I reminds me of the Saki stories I to read with a shock twist at teh end.However I think you are really stretching credibility with the coffee cream, they always get left in the box at Christmas. My gran used to throw them at the budgie. 
If you're thinking of publication I wouldn't bother with Saga magasine 
cheers 
BBS 
exercise
Written by woody44 (761 comments posted) 4th May 2006
yes i suppose I should have made it a walnut whirl...this was actually written as an exercise at a writing class. The tutor just gave us a name (it was Marmaduke in the original) and told us to write up to a page. It certainly has room for expanding the old ladies character but I liked the ending because I didn`t know how it would finish until the last sentence... 
thanks for the comments alastair and MrsB...I`m still laughing about Gwynn`s dart player
Gwynn; the Queen of comedy
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3138 comments posted) 4th May 2006
Yes I agree Gwynn is a national treasure and an undiscovered comedy genius. 
I wasn't too worried about the old lady's character it was a plot driven story and anyway teh Saki stories didn't dwell on character and they were brilliant with that sting in the tale which yours had in spades. I do like those sort of stories that play on your expectations:- old women are basically well meaning (if strict) and then stand it on it's head. It was a fun read anyway 
cheers  
BBS
distractions
Written by robokent (84 comments posted) 4th May 2006
I'm not sure I understand; why is she going on an around-the-world voyage? Is she leaving the boy in the box? Or is he actually in the suitcase? I'm all for letting the reader make some interpretations for himself, but I was lost. 
 
The writing itself is fine, descriptive. It's easy to see the character of the old woman hobbling across the room, for example. 
 
As with the last time I read one of your stories, I was distracted by the small errors in grammar that you failed to catch before posting.  
 
Examples: 
 
'his parents tragic accident' 
 
should be: "his parents' tragic accident" 
 
'do you hear boy.' 
 
better: "do you hear, boy?" 
 
Some may say I'm nitpicking, but to be clear in one's writing means getting punctuation, grammar and spelling right!
barking...
Written by woody44 (761 comments posted) 4th May 2006
Hello Robokent. Nice to talk to you for I believe the first time. First the grammar and punctuation. Guilty as charged I`m afraid. No matter how many times you (sorry one) looks at a piece something always escapes. Sorry about that. Yes he was in a box room as stated in the second line and the world cruise was just a ploy to leave the reader with the uncomfortable thought that she was going off to enjoy herself without giving the boy another thought...she could equally have been going on a month`s winter break to Benedorm...either way, completely barking.... 
It's all been said.
Written by BrianRobertNeal (1195 comments posted) 4th May 2006
Anything that hints of child abuse set's the Pavlovian Bells ringing. 
 
So the tale got my attention and kept it. 
 
I notice that you have the same problem that I have regarding punctuation and grammar and in my case spelling. 
 
I read 4 ,no oops, that should be four, books over Xmas on Grammar. And came out more confused than I went in. It seems today's proper usage is yesterday's abusage and tomorrow's archaism. 
 
Brian.
wake-up call
Written by woody44 (761 comments posted) 5th May 2006
Good afternoon Brian. Regarding the punctuation and grammar I am usually okay, so although I was annoyed with myself when I received Robokent crit it has probably been a bit of a wake-up call to check things far more thoroughly. I`m going to put it down to severe old age Brian. Mind you when you see the kids today and their idea of english, ie texting, and some of the sloppy credits at the beginning and the end of TV programs. Finally have you read, Eats, Shoots and Leaves by Lyn Truss- quite hilarious... 
 
Thanks for the comments and happy writing...
wrong
Written by robokent (84 comments posted) 5th May 2006
Woody, 
 
One thing: sorry, I mentioned above that I've had problems with your written errors in the past. I realize only now that I was actually referring to another author's work. Sorry about that.  
 
As far as the errors go, I know they're going to occur here and there, and usually I wouldn't fault someone the first time, so again, sorry I did that with your story.  
 
I look forward to reading more of your work, and I promise I'll make sure I pay more attention to whom I am critiquing! :)
That`s fine
Written by woody44 (761 comments posted) 6th May 2006
Good morning robokent. No problem with the mistaken identity. I suppose it is a testament to the popularity of the site: there are just too many of us! I still agree with you regarding punctuation, grammar etc, it is important and I suppose we all have a certain amount of infallibility built into our psyche. 
 
Enjoy your writing, and I too look forward to reading more of your work.
Belated...
Written by gerardconnolly (1186 comments posted) 8th May 2006
Hi Woody, 
 
I missed this but still belatedly enjoyed reading it. I felt it could have been longer but that's because of the unanswered questions. Then I decided that some questions are best left unanswered and that in itself is a useful literary device. Spelling and punctuation are important but please don't get hung up on it. Scott Fitzgerald it is I think who famously holds the record for spelling errors in a submitted MSS. Over 6000 allegedly.You've guessed it. In 'The Great Gatsby'. I'd have given my right arm to have written that. 
 
Well done.  
 
Slainte!
sloppy
Written by woody44 (761 comments posted) 10th May 2006
thanks Gerard. Sorry but only just spotted your review. That`s the trouble when the weather is fine, my `thinks she`s better` half will insist on me doing silly things like weeding and sowing plant type things. As regards spelling etc, well who`d be a proof reader! I probably tend to be a little sloppy here but pay much more attention when submitting something for possible publication. Wrong I know but I won`t beat myself up over it.... 
 
regards 
 

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