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Great Writing - Home > Short S. > In Praise Of The Fart
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| In Praise Of The Fart | |
| By penless | ||||||||||||||||||||||||
| 04 May 2006 | ||||||||||||||||||||||||
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A commonplace bodily function can become a joyous experience. It has been said that farts are like children in that your own are fine but other peoples' can be obnoxious. Not always true though. Those of us, like myself, old enough to recall when schools had a daily assembly will frequently have an amusing tale to tell of when someone cracked off a loud fart in the middle of prayers or the head's address and everyone rolled up in uncontrollable hysterical fits of laughter. And I'm not talking public school japes necessarily, this happened on occasion at Anonymous County Grammar where I was unfortunate enough to spend my secondary school days. In a similar vein I remember well a particular chap in my class, so adept at farting that he could damn near manage this on demand. Letting rip in the middle of some dull lesson given by some even duller and frustrated teacher whose wife probably wasn't giving him any sex, Pete would render the whole class helpless with giggles whilst himself sitting there poker faced. Which of course made it even funnier for the rest of us. Anyone wondering about the identity of the culprit would find it obvious by the conspicuity of the sole non laugher. But all that is in the distant past and in the antics of callow schoolchildren. But now, as a callow adult at the age of 58, I have to tell you that I continue to find farting funny. But more than that it has become a meaningful experience to me in a way that no silly schoolkid would appreciate. A good example of what I mean is the ceremony to be followed having purchased new pants or trousers. Until a fart has been passed through them, these garments are not truly and officially mine. Kind of like launching a ship by breaking a bottle of champagne over it. But once I've done the business through them, that's it, the need for such ritual will have been satisfied. So pleasurable and important to me has this ceremony become that I find myself with drawers full of more underpants than I could ever possibly use, having bought them not due to any shortage in my wardrobe but for the pleasure of the launch ceremony. Another way of putting the noisefull fart to good use rather than waste it is to employ it in a brief bit of play acting. I've invented several scenes for this purpose. For example The Gunfighter. Here, you are facing your enemy in the streets of Tombstone. He goes for his gun but you, much faster, reach, outdraw him and fire first, the fart representing the sound of your gun. You then stylishly spin the gun and replace it in its holster. A not too dissimilar scene is the Clay Pigeon. When you feel you've got a good loud one coming. You shout "Pull!" An imaginary clay pigeon is fired from its trap. You bring up your imaginary shotgun, let it follow the trajectory of the flying clay, and boom, you shatter it, the fart here representing your shotgun firing. A good one I used to demonstrate to the amusement of my kids is the Test Pilot. You need a bit of room for this one, it is more dynamic than the above two. Again it requires that you have a good loud one developing plus, because you will be taking a short run, you need supreme self control to prevent premature release. You are testing a new plane to try and break the sound barrier. This requires a short run for take off followed by a leap in the air. Whilst in the air you break the sound barrier, and let the fart go at this precise moment to represent the sonic boom. I should warn people that this is quite a tricky one to get right and may need some practice prior to its public performance. You don't want to look a fool by letting it rip at the wrong point. One fart trick which I never really rated was lighting them. I always saw that as far too puerile and studenty, lacking any kind of maturity. My above tales refer to the uses for the loud fart but thus far I have not referred to the smell value and it is here perhaps that my opening sentence rings true. Whilst we all enjoy thoroughly the odour of our own, few feel similar emotions towards other peoples'. Biologically this is actually quite strange. It means that fart odours may be as personal as fingerprints with no two persons the same. Something perhaps into which the police ought to research as an additional means of identifying crims. Yet when you consider that this is the case even if two people eat the same food, you can see how odd it is. I must admit I don't understand from a medical point of view why two people who've had the same biriani last night should produce such differing fart odour signatures. Aren't we all the same inside, near as makes no difference? A PhD thesis awaits someone here. Another valuable use of the fart, also one of the things I taught my sons as part of my job to inculcate in them a sense of what it means to be a worthwhile human being was a test of the strength of their relationship with a girl. I said to them that if they can fart in front of her with impunity then they may be alright there. I mean, you're probably not going to do it within five minutes of meeting her, but once you feel you can, you'll probably be able to score as well though try not to do both at the same time. Finally, those moments when we need to resist the fart breaking free as it struggles heroically against its unjust imprisonment. Let those amongst us who haven't at some point clenched our bottoms for fear of giving offence, cast the first fart. For example you're at a job interview for a situation you really want, but feel the growth of a real beaut within the latter part of your bowels. No way can you let it out, so you struggle internally, praying that you are not giving away any signs of the battle, maintaining that forced slight smile on your lips to hide the kampf. Or maybe you are best man or lady at your best friend's wedding. You're not going to crack off when the old vicar starts up with "Do you take..." so you need to do something to resist. My dictionary defines a fart as "an emission of wind from the anus". Whilst true, this prosaic definition is like describing a Rembrandt as a load of old paint daubed on a bit of old canvas. If you cultivate it, a fart can be a work of art.
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