I always wanted to play golf,
Knock a little ball around.
But every time, I swung a club
I hit the flipping ground!

No matter how I swung it,
I missed the blooming shot.
And when it came to putting
I missed the whole damn lot.

I bought the finest set of clubs,
I thought I'd cracked the code.
But, next shot up from off the tee,
I killed a brown eyed toad.

I walked around my head bowed down,
As I staggered round the course.
I thought I'd try a 'tricky'shot,
But I lost it in the gorse.

What are you doing on the green?
The captain called out loud.
I'm trying to play golf - I said
I saw, I drawn a crowd.

Just then, a seagull swooped right down
Look out! the captain said.
But a reflex action - swung my club
Which hit the captain's head.

You utter silly useless fool!
The captain, screamed abuse.
I'm sorry captain, I called out.
My club, it just got loose!

The crowed they laughed as I walked off
As I slipped up in the rain.
They can stick their ruddy golf club
I WILL NEVER PLAY AGAIN.