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Comedy
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| Peer 'n' Edd [revised] | |
| By Bagheera | ||||||||||||
| 10 May 2006 | ||||||||||||
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It was suggested to me recently that I should make a few small adjustments to this, and offer it for Liverpool's "Capital of Culture" programme... Advice, anyone? Since we haven't [YET!!] got a Musical category, this feels more "at home" in this section than anywhere else. I have "borrowed" a line from a well-known song at one point, but the opening & closing 'numbers' are original pieces (and I have the librettos to prove it ..... !!) Fingers crossed for a formatting which resembles a SCRIPT!!! Peer ‘n' Edd Peer & Ed, suitably masked & garbed, sit on plinths (representing tops of their respective towers) imitating their (real-life) positions as Liver Birds [towards rear of stage, L & R]. They face the audience. Stage lighting represents early morning [from R = East]. Peer (looks round auditorium) Know what? Edd Norruntil yiz tell me! Peer Yeah, orright, I was gettin' t' that! (looks again) You don't half see some idjits from up ‘ere! Edd Ah come on, Peer: most of ‘em are OK, they can't - y'know - help it - bein' Yoo-man, an' that! (discreet flap, preening) Peer No, that's not what I meant, Edd! Jus' look at that one, for starters (cranes neck as if towards general far corner) Now there's one who's really got Legs all the way Up to her ... Edd ... Armpits, yeah, very original an' I don't think! But how d'you know that from up 'ere? S'pose you're gonna tell me you've got ... Peer ... a good imagination. Okay, we've both been here long enough now to have each other's jokes off pat: just once it'd be nice to make a wisecrack without you interruptin' me! Edd Not gonna happen, Our Kid! You've got about as much imagination as that ... wossisname, All Soppy - bloke who wanted to purra Cloud over there in the corner (points with wing) Peer Yeah: thank God that got kicked in touch! (pause) Tell yer what, though: if they was gonna put somethin' else there instead, why don't they get them Dozen Brothers (or whatever the name is) to build an extension on the Cains Brewery plenty o'room, an' a damn sight more useful! Edd Ey up! Peer What now? Come on. I can't see proper over that side! Edd Yer wo'!?? ‘S big enough! Dirty great big ship ... Peer ... Comin' up the Alley-oh, I s'ppose! Darrel be the Queen Mary, divvy: don'cher keep up wit' the news? Edd Thought that was flogged to the Yanks as a cheap B&B? Peer Nah, that was the firs' one: this is the new one, see? (beat) Jeez, there ’assen been that much noise since they launched the Titanic ............. ! [SFX. Explosions, rapid fire, whistles, etc] Bloody 'ell, mate: what's goin' on? Is it the Germans, bombin’ our chippy again? Edd Nah, it's just fireworks, a welcome display, y'know? Peer 'S orrite, then: only I 'member when St. Lukes got 'it that night, the shockwave left me deaf in one eyeball fer at least a week! [short pause] Know what, Edd? Edd Go 'ead, then Peer [suspiciously] You takin' the piss? Edd What? ... Oh, no I said "Go 'ead" - not "Go, Edd", dipstick! Peer Watch 'oo you're callin' dipstick ... Edd ... or you'll what? You're as stuck on that tower as I am on this, ain't nothin' you nor me c'n do 'bout it neither! Peer [resigned sigh] Yeah, orright, well anyway... Edd, you ever thought .... there 'as to be Liver chicks somewhere - don't there? Edd What, y'mean ... hens? floosies? tarts? Peer Skirts - birra stuff - yeah, fwuarrrr!! Edd Summat t'get yer leg over ... Peer Lilo Lil! Edd Nah (soberly, no more suggestive noises) - why should there be? (sly, significant look) You're not thinking of asking the old question... Peer ... 'bout the chicken and the egg? Nah - anyway, we both know the answer to that already, don't we? (pause) 'Course it was the chicken ... Edd Sez you! Last time we 'ad this out, I never agreed that ... Peer Anyway, don't change the subject ... Edd (sulky tone) Never did. Peer Nah, y'jus' gorra cob on ... y' avven gone gay on me, 'ave yer? 'Cause I don' think I'm ready ferra gay Liver Bird ... Edd Now ‘oo's takin' the piss, then? Come 'ead, ask yer bloody question an' 'ave done, willyer? Peer Orright, then. S'pose there is ... Liver Hens - tarts - floo... Edd Yeah, whatever y' want t' call them: let's s'pose there are: so? Peer So: 'ow the f*** do we get the chance t'pull, stuck up 'ere all day like this? I mean, it's Sat'dee t'night, innit? An' yer know 'ow they'll all be at it like rabbits later on: I'm startin' t'get all horny already, jus' wi' thinkin' about it! Edd What would you know? Yer just a birra metal, same's me ... Peer Hand made, Edd: hand made! Bloke who made me knew all about hand jobs: believe it, player! Edd F'k'n posin again, y' flash git! (beat) That fella was a bloody German anyway, y'know! Peer Says who!!!?? Edd Sez the 'ist-ree books, Our Kid!! Wit' all yer fancy posh git talk, y'shoulda learned t'read by now! (beat) Y' wooden know what t'do with it, I bet, even if y' had one! (crude, suggestive body mvmts) Peer Says you - an' you know naff all! (Stiffens, stares offstage) Now on the other hand, I bet she knows a lot! (beat) Lookit that, willyiz? (Wolfwhistles, agitated movements) Jesusmaryanjoseph, man, she's a stunner! Edd Peer, she's got legs an' tits, but no feathers: she's not your type! Peer Never said she was "my" type, Edd: but y'know what type I really, really think she ... might be? Edd You mean .... are you thinking of ... the "vee" word? Peer (nodding, excited) Certainly am, Edd! (flexes muscles) Edd Does that mean - we get to ... do our dance? Peer Oh yeah, I truly b'lieve it does! Both Liver Birds flex muscles, preen feathers, show signs of agitation. For the first time, they lift one foot at a time from their perches, flex claws, begin taking small hops, slowly flexing wings as if in preparation for flight. Edd 'Cause you know what they say: Together: If ever they spot a Virgin walk by The Liver Birds'll gerrup an' fly Closing Song [Duet] Peer & Edd pick up Everton & Liverpool scarves (concealed until now) and perform music-hall style "soft shoe shuffle" as they sing Both On a Saturday night, if you're feelin' all right Take a stroll where the Royal Blue Mersey flows All the talent is there, some astonishin' birds Are just waitin' to go datin' - yeah, they're ready to go So if you take a stroll past the ol' Pier Head You want some satisfaction? - each girl's a Main Attraction! Is she a Red or a Blue? Is it important to you? Just sway the night away and then say - Breakfast for Two! Me an' my mate's here early and late, nothing escapes out view From the top o' the towers, this city is ours, we know all about you So you can keep your Fog on the Tyne And let your London Bridges burn Cause here on the Royal Blue Mersey's banks Is where my heart will always yearn rall. (I'm going to .... ) Stroll .......... where the Mersey rolls Direct my feet to Back Buchanan Street Ain’t no place in the world can compare with our girls With their sunbed tans and their peroxide curls [molto rall] Oh, I wish I was back in Liverpool ........ Liverpool town where I was born ......... Exeunt with exaggerated “vaudeville-style” high kicks routine, singing: BECAUSE IT’S LIVERPOOL TOWN FOR ME!!!!!! Curtain
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